Zen and the Art of the Absurd Football Prediction Parody

HIGH TECHNOLOGY

In a Best Buy store in Stockton, California this Friday morning, a young man is playing Madden beside his companion on a jumbo hi-def screen.   In this world of high contrast plasma, his red clad Niners faced the ultimate evil, the Minnesota Vikings.  (Who is it that asks the question where he got that idea?)   In cyberspace, the soaring avatar spirit of Nate Clements leaps and intercepts the spiraling football of Favre.   Madden has spoken.   The oracle sees all.  Is the truth thus so?   Who is it that asks this?  There is no you.  There is no me.   Who is it that doubts Madden?  Damn you, Favre.  Another December dud.  Let's all go meditate, but not with Jets fans.

THE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE

Garbage in; garbage out.

Zen is screwed up.  In Zen, there is no you or me, and the only way to attain enlightment is to wake up and realize that there is really no one to wake up.  Well, it's much easier to talk a good game than it is to play one.  When predicting, just predict.  Yes, folks, Zen is so simple.  Life is exactly as it is.  But in that sleep of just-so stories what dreams may come?   Aye, there's the rub.

Fortunately, the Vikings are not playing the Niners this week.   Singletary looked really hot under the collar.   Inside sources tell me we are playing at night in Carolina.  (Stupid Madden.)

WHEN THE VIKINGS HAVE THE BALL

Probability and statistics and quantum mechanics do things and brains make up stories about what happened, no matter what.  The butler did it.   So Billy Preston had a story ain't got no moral -- let the bad guy win every once in a while.   Preston is a good cornerback.   Favre will have to watch out for him.

Hey!   Stop that!  What about Carolina, Elgar?  

Oh, nothing could be finer.  I did some exhausting research, as if that makes any difference.  I hate it when those quanta take all the paths at once.   My mother said never talk with food in your mouth.  When you eat, just eat.

WHEN THE PANTHERS HAVE THE BALL

I asked my dogs about Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin.   I consulted an incompetent neurologist about migraines.   I asked Steve Smith if he were in a bad mood or not.  My old friends left Minnesota for the Carolinas. (You can leave Minnesota too.   Some airlines have astral planes now because the Boeing 787 Dreamliner is late.)

WHETHER CONDITIONS

If Jared Allen jumps off sides in the woods and the instant replay camera does not show it, did he really make a noise?  It depends on whether something was called on the field, which the officials have all huddled and spoke, if the mike was working.

CONCLUSION

Therefore, the Minnesota Vikings will defeat the Carolina Panthers on Sunday Night, 31-17, at least in the universe that true believers occupy.   Others will suffer damnation and watch a werewolf start at quarterback for the Panthers in a parallel brane.  (Heavenly shades of night are falling: it's twilight time.)  That's how the multiverse works, folks.   I kid you not.

No wonder Zen masters taunt each other.  What you see is what you get.  Don't let anything Judd Zulgad says confuse you otherwise.