The whole truth and nothing but the truth is that before the Minnesota Vikings arrive in New Orleans to defeat the Saints this fall, approximately three cornerbacks, five defensive linemen, two linebackers, two safeties, seven offensive linemen, three running backs, one fullback, two tight ends, five wide receivers, and a partridge in a pear tree, who all will consider themselves Minnesota Vikings when bunks are assigned in Mankato, will be informed by the coaching staff that it just didn't last.
Darwin was right about reality TV: If you put enough competitors into the environment and shake well, those who fit advance to the next round, and it's much easier than intelligent design, unless, of course, you are one of those who goes extinct.
Like the fateful decrees from votes on Survivor or the scales of The Biggest Loser, all these unlucky contestants of So You Want to be a Minnesota Viking will find themselves on the short end of their competitions to qualify for the marathon to see which will be the last team standing in Dallas come February. That's how musical chairs is played: The silence begins, and the furniture shortage unfolds itself before our very eyes.
Whether it is nobler in Alan Faneca's mind to be a Bear or a Viking and many other mysteries will be revealed to us in good time, as surely as at least half of the confusion on Lost will be unscrambled in a few more episodes.
Sure, "que sera sera", but we all must realize that inquiring minds want to know, so we haul out the astrolabes, the large hadron colliders, the voodoo dolls, some antique football cards, an eye of newt, our three crystal balls, and a Poor Richard's Almanac, toss them in our Cuisinart of choice, and demostrate that we cannot break our addiction to forecasting the future.
The odds are good that Petrus and Rolle won't be among that number when those Saints come a-tumbling down, so sign up for psychotherapy or else the whisky-of-the-month club and get over it. History makes a strong case that if you can't deal with disappointments, then your selection of observing the Minnesota Vikings as a pasttime was your first mistake.
And now, without further any ado, my winners in the category of prosnostication are:
Gehrhart will make most forget who that new Bear was this year, and renew ancient hopes that white men can still be great running backs, if they only work hard enough.
The Vikings will rotate as stable of killer defensive ends that will inflict the Madden Curse on Drew Brees and several others, making safeties insignificant, because no one will have enough time to throw that far.
Those who could never understand why a son of Tonga ever went to a college founded by Mormons will learn to love Ryan D'Imperio.
Chris will baffle those who believe so ardently that too many Cooks spoil the Vikings.
Brett Favre will retire with two Super Bowl rings.
Mel Kiper will be exposed (once more) as a blithering idiot.
Now, would I tell you something that wasn't so???