The Coaching Staff Makes Halftime Adjustments

SCENE:  The locker room, halftime of any game the Vikings have played this season.  As they head in from the tunnel the team is pretty hyped up--they're probably ahead or tied, and there's no reason to think that a second half collapse is upon them, for they have Leslie Frazier, Motivational Strategic Genius on their side.

Ap_smiling_medium WOOOOOO!  WE ARE KICKING ASS!!  I am on my way to 275 yards and 4 TD's.  FEED ME THE BALL!

Ponder_smirk_medium It looks more and more like I'M GONNA BE AWESOME. 

Jared_allen_smile_medium Sorry rook, but I can't hear you over the sound of HOW AWESOME I ALREADY AM!  WOOOOO!

Loadholt_medium Uh, yeah, and I've only given up three sacks! 

Jared_allen_smile_medium  Ponder_smirk_medium Ap_smiling_medium  Huzzah! Huzzah!

Smiling_percy_medium So coach, we're pretty sure that the team we're currently beating will make adjustments to our First Half Of Awesomeness.  What shall we do to counter and bury them?

Smiling_percy_medium  Looks around

Smiling_percy_medium  Coach?

Frazier_medium  Musgrave_medium  Pagac_medium (looking up from cell phones):  Hey quiet down, we're locked in a pretty intense game of Words With Friends.

Iphone_medium Ding

Musgrave_medium  B-O-R-I-N-G-O-F-F-E-N-S-E...3 points!  I think that's a record, boys.

Pagac_medium  No, I gave up 48 last week with T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E-S-C-H-E-M-E

Frazier_medium  Yes, yes I believe you did, Fred.  That was good!

Ap_smiling_medium Ponder_smirk_medium Loadholt_medium Jared_allen_smile_medium Smiling_percy_medium...

Wilf_medium I MUST GET IN ON THIS CONTEST OF SKILL YOU ARE COMPETING IN.  LESLIE FRAZIER IS THE BEST HIRE EVER!

Studwell_medium God damn it, here we go again.  I'm killing everyone.

Studwell_medium  FRAZIER!  For God sakes, say something, DO SOMETHING!  ANYTHING!  TELL THEM HOW THEY'RE GOING TO RIP THE HEAD OFF OF THE OPPOSING QUARTERBACK AND USE IT FOR A SOCCER BALL!!

Frazier_medium  I don't like soccer.  It's a boring game.

Studwell_medium  THEN YOU SHOULD LOVE IT!  BECAUSE YOUR HALFTIME SPEECHES ARE AS MOTIVATING AS A TAX AUDIT!

Frazier_medium  But I'm an honest and decent man.  I pay my taxes, why would I need to be audited?

Musgrave_medium  Well, with all the changes in the tax code, you need a good accountant.  And with the way this team is playing, people might think we're stealing our paychecks, so finding good shelt--

Studwell_medium  SHUT...THE..HOLY...JESUS...UP...ANDMAKEADJUSTMENTSRIGHTNOW!!!!!

Frazier_medium Oh, yeah.  Right. 

Frazier_medium...

Frazier_medium...

Frazier_medium Good William, what would you like to do?

Musgrave_medium W-E-B-B-C-A-T... -2 POINTS?

Frazier_medium Pagac_medium Nice!

Musgrave_medium It should be more...I don't understand how it could be a negative number.

Studwell_medium Because the Webbcat sucks even in Words With Friends, genius.

Musgrave_medium Then how about we quit running Adrian Peterson?  We don't want him to get tired for next week.

Frazier_medium That's a good idea.

Ap_wtf_medium ...

Gerhart_medium Does that mean you'll actually use me?

Musgrave_medium  Of course not.  We'll go take a knee, take a knee, throw it out of bounds, punt.

Mcnabb_smiling_medium So I'm starting the second half?

Musgrave_medium  Oh, God no.  We need to get Christian some experience in second half collapses.  You're an expert in it already, Donovan.  Go in to the bathroom and vomit or something.

Mcnabb_wtf_medium ...

Ponder_smirk_medium...

Loadholt_medium Well, maybe I could commit a few more false start penalties, and give up a sack here an there, to mix it up.

Musgrave_medium Splendid!  I-N-E-F-F-E-C-T-I-V-E....5 YARD PENALTY!

Frazier_medium That sounds good, William.  Solid plan.  D-I-S-I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-E-D...0 POINTS!  Fred, what do you want to do?

Pagac_medium Well, I felt sorry for the opposing quarterback.  Jared Allen has 11 sacks in the first half, and we really mixed up our defense well.  What I'd like to do is drop the linebackers 64 yards off of the line of scrimmage and leave an area larger than the Great Plains available to our opponent to exploit us at will.

Allen_wtf_medium...

Frazier_medium That's an interesting plan.  I like it.  What about the defensive backs?

Pagac_medium They'll play 84 yards back from the receivers, and allow them to catch passes at will.  And then we'll miss tackles.  And I will put Asher Allen on their top receiver, one on one, because I have their quarterback on my fantasy team, and...looks down at phone, opens FF team app...I really need the points.

Frazier_medium Marvelous, marvelous.

Pagac_medium Greenway, where are you?

Blank_greenway_medium Right here

Pagac_medium  Looks around

Pagac_medium  Looks around some more

Blank_greenway_medium  Coach, I'M RIGHT HERE!

Frazier_medium It looks like he's still invisible.  Keep it up Chad.

Blank_greenway_medium  Okay, coach.

Frazier_medium yawns

Frazier_medium stretches

Wilf_medium MY LOINS ARE STIRRING FOR THIS PLAN.  MOST ASSUREDLY THIS WILL LEAD US TO VICTORY AND A NEW STADIUM.

Frazier_medium  R-E-C-I-P-E-F-O-R-D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R, 0 POINTS!  Annnnnnd that's a winner! Now let's go get 'em.

Allen_wtf_medium Ap_wtf_medium Blank_greenway_medium Loadholt_medium Ponder_smirk_medium Mcnabb_wtf_medium We're gooned...

Studwell_medium  God damn it...

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