The Vikings Hire Charlie Sheen

Scott Studwell, Original American Badass, Vikings Ring of Honor Member, and Former Uber Linebacker for the purple and gold, is holding a meeting in his office regarding the upcoming draft.  Owner Zygi WIlf, head coach Leslie Frazier, VP Rick Spielman, and LB coach Mike Singletary are in attendance. 

 Scott_studwell_medium Here’s the deal.  We don’t have a lot of money this year, and we’ve only got enough cash to hire one scout.  Mr. Wilf feels we need a guy that can give us quick, snap judgements, and cut right to the chase.

 Rick_spielman_medium Uh Scott, would you mind looking at us as opposed to looking away?  That’s really distracting.

  Scott_studwell_medium No Rick, I won't.  If I look at you, you will pee yourself then die.  My stare is more fatal than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.  Remember the intern?

Rick_spielman_medium That happened before I got here, and I think it’s an urban legend.  I AM A SPIELMAN AND THAT RHYMES WITH STEEL, MAN!  BRING YOUR HEAT!

Scott_studwell_medium Fine.  Jesus, Rick.  I'll at least wear sunglasses so the worst thing that happens is you'll need to change your pants.  Do you have an extra suit hanging up in your office?

Rick_spielman_medium I SHALL OVERCOME YOUR FREAKISHLY INTIMIDATING STARE BECAUSE I AM AN OHIO SPIELMAN AND MY BROTHER WAS THE BEST LINEBACKER TO EVER PLAY AT OHIO STATE.

Scott_studwell_medium My last name has the word 'stud' in it, you foolish Ohioan.  Just remember you asked for this, so when I mock you at the Christmas party, you just sit there and take it.

Studwell_medium

Studwell_medium

Studwell_close_up_medium

 Rick_spielman_medium I have to go to my office for a minute.  Be right back.  Anyone got extra underwear?

Singletary_medium Wow, that was impressive, Scott.

Scott_studwell_medium Thanks, Mike.  Welcome aboard, by the way.  Oh, I was a better linebacker, you just played on the ’85 Bears and got more press.

Singletary_medium I’m in the Hall of Fame.

 Scott_studwell_medium I don’t care. 

Mike-singletary-eyes_medium

Studwell_close_up_medium

Mike-singletary-eyes_medium

Studwell_close_up_medium …

Leslie_frazier_medium Guys, guys, knock it off.  Take it to a girl scout meeting and stare them out of some cookies later.  We have some serious decisions to make regarding the future of our franchise.  Scott, what do you mean when you say we can only hire one scout?

 Scott_studwell_medium Oooh, good idea.  Mike, you a thin mints guy or a lemonades guy?

 Singletary_medium Thin mints.

 Scott_studwell_medium Lemonades.

Singletary_medium THIN MINTS.

Scott_studwell_medium LEMONADES!

Mike-singletary-eyes_medium

Studwell_close_up_medium

Rick_spielman_medium Hey guys, did I miss anything?

Studwell_close_up_medium Mike-singletary-eyes_medium

Rick_spielman_medium AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Leslie_frazier_medium Mike, Scott, you just caused Rick’s head to explode.  Good job, now we don’t have a GM.

Scott_studwell_medium Uh, Les, we’re the Vikings.  We’ve NEVER had a GM.  

Leslie_frazier_medium Good point.  Okay, back to the scout thing.

Scott_studwell_medium Yeah, right.  Well, Mr. Wilf feels we need to bring in a guy that can not only do quick talent evaluations, but also has some "juice".  With the stadium fight gett—

Wilf_medium I MUST HAVE A STADIUM IMMEDIATELY, AND I MUST HAVE BUZZ TO ACCOMPANY IT!!

Leslie_frazier_medium Well, we could get Brett to come back.

 Studwell_close_up_medium

Leslie_frazier_medium Right, bad idea.

Scott_studwell_medium No, Mr. Wilf feels that we could—

Wilf_medium I AM A REAL ESTATE WIZARD, AND I CAN COMBINE MULTIPLE THINGS INTO ONE PACKAGE.  WE SHALL CREATE BUZZ WITH OUR NEW TALENT SCOUT, AND HE WILL SECURE US A STADIUM.

Scott_studwell_medium Zygi, if you interrupt me again, I will shove your Triangle of Authority so far up your New Jersey ass that Snooki, The Situation, and the Apple Valley Volunteer fire department will need three weeks to find it.  DO NOT make me stare at you.

Rick_spielman_medium You really don’t want that, Mr. Wilf.

Leslie_frazier_medium Holy hell, what have I gotten myself into?

Scott_studwell_medium Anyway, our new talent scout.  May I introduce…sigh…Charlie.

Charlie_medium Hey everyone.  Look, there’s going to be a tsunami of media over this.  We’ll ride it on my mercury surfboard.

Scott_studwell_medium I’ve known you for one second and I hate you.  What do you know about football? 

Charlie_medium Cool out, bro.  I’m a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. 

 

Scott_studwell_medium If you call me bro one more time, I promise you I will put your cocaine polluted head in between my forearm and bicep and will pop you like a zit, and the last thing your eyes will see before they pop out of your filthy skull is my maniacal laugh..

Wilf_mediumTHIS IS THE SMARTEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE, AND I HAVE DONE MANY, MANY SMART THINGS.  EXCEPT WHEN I TOLD ANOKA COUNTY I LOVED THEM ONLY AND KEPT FLIRTING WITH MINNEAPOLIS.  THAT WAS DUMB.  OTHER THAN THAT, I AM ALL GENIUS.

Leslie_frazier_medium Well, uh, Charlie.  What can you tell me about Auburn DT Nick Fairley, for example?

Charlie_medium Whoa, NFL scout?  I was told I was going to be working for the Pope as a Vatican assassin.

Wilf_medium CHARLIE IS PART OF OUR FAMILY AND WE WILL LOVE HIM VIOLENTLY.

Leslie_frazier_medium Can we get back to some rookie evaluations?  How about Jake Locker?

Charlie_medium Most of the time, and this includes naps, he’s an F-18, bro, and he will destroy you in the air and deploy his ordnance on the ground.  You sign him, there’s a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins.

Rick_spielman_medium That’s an impressive evaluation, Charlie.

Leslie_frazier_medium Says the man who traded a second round pick for AJ-frickin’-Feely.  Charlie, talk to me about Cam Newton.

Charlie_medium If you borrowed his brain for five seconds, you’d be like,  ’Dude!  Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’  It fires in a way that’s maybe not from this terrestrial realm.

 Leslie_frazier_medium Wow, not bad.  How about Ryan Mallet and his alleged drug use?  Do you know anything about that?

Charlie_medium He’s on a drug.  It’s called Charlie Sheen.  It’s not available because if you try it, you will die.  His face would melt off and his children will weep over his exploded body.

Leslie_frazier_medium Whoa, Mallet has kids?

Singletary_medium Les, you really think anything that has come out of his drug addled pie hole has any merit at all?

Leslie_frazier_medium Well, he was spot on about Newton and Mallet, wasn’t he?

Singletary_medium Well, actually, yeah.  Let’s ask him about a defensive player.

Leslie_frazier_medium Good idea.  Charlie, what can you tell us about JJ Watt?

Charlie_medium He’s different.  He has a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart.  He’s got tiger blood, man.

 Rick_spielman_medium Is that like blood doping?

Scott_studwell_medium Rick, if one more word comes out of your stinky Ohio mouth, I will stare at you until your Irritable Bowel Syndrome is incurable.

Leslie_frazier_medium All right, Charlie, not too bad so far.  One more question, and if you answer this correctly, we’ll let you stay.  Talk to me about Packers coach Mike McCarthy.

Charlie_medium I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if they wind up in our octagon.  Clearly we have defeated this earthworm with our words—imagine what we will do in 2011 with our fire breathing fists.  Boom, print that.

Mike-singletary-eyes_medium AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!  LET US GO HIT BLOCKING SLEDS IMMEDIATELY!

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