Scott Studwell, Original American Badass, Vikings Ring of Honor Member, and Former Uber Linebacker for the purple and gold, is holding a meeting in his office regarding the upcoming draft. Owner Zygi WIlf, head coach Leslie Frazier, VP Rick Spielman, and LB coach Mike Singletary are in attendance.
Here’s the deal. We don’t have a lot of money this year, and we’ve only got enough cash to hire one scout. Mr. Wilf feels we need a guy that can give us quick, snap judgements, and cut right to the chase.
Uh Scott, would you mind looking at us as opposed to looking away? That’s really distracting.
No Rick, I won't. If I look at you, you will pee yourself then die. My stare is more fatal than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Remember the intern?
That happened before I got here, and I think it’s an urban legend. I AM A SPIELMAN AND THAT RHYMES WITH STEEL, MAN! BRING YOUR HEAT!
Fine. Jesus, Rick. I'll at least wear sunglasses so the worst thing that happens is you'll need to change your pants. Do you have an extra suit hanging up in your office?
I SHALL OVERCOME YOUR FREAKISHLY INTIMIDATING STARE BECAUSE I AM AN OHIO SPIELMAN AND MY BROTHER WAS THE BEST LINEBACKER TO EVER PLAY AT OHIO STATE.
My last name has the word 'stud' in it, you foolish Ohioan. Just remember you asked for this, so when I mock you at the Christmas party, you just sit there and take it.
I have to go to my office for a minute. Be right back. Anyone got extra underwear?
Wow, that was impressive, Scott.
Thanks, Mike. Welcome aboard, by the way. Oh, I was a better linebacker, you just played on the ’85 Bears and got more press.
I’m in the Hall of Fame.
I don’t care.
Guys, guys, knock it off. Take it to a girl scout meeting and stare them out of some cookies later. We have some serious decisions to make regarding the future of our franchise. Scott, what do you mean when you say we can only hire one scout?
Oooh, good idea. Mike, you a thin mints guy or a lemonades guy?
Hey guys, did I miss anything?
Mike, Scott, you just caused Rick’s head to explode. Good job, now we don’t have a GM.
Uh, Les, we’re the Vikings. We’ve NEVER had a GM.
Good point. Okay, back to the scout thing.
Yeah, right. Well, Mr. Wilf feels we need to bring in a guy that can not only do quick talent evaluations, but also has some "juice". With the stadium fight gett—
I MUST HAVE A STADIUM IMMEDIATELY, AND I MUST HAVE BUZZ TO ACCOMPANY IT!!
Well, we could get Brett to come back.
Right, bad idea.
No, Mr. Wilf feels that we could—
I AM A REAL ESTATE WIZARD, AND I CAN COMBINE MULTIPLE THINGS INTO ONE PACKAGE. WE SHALL CREATE BUZZ WITH OUR NEW TALENT SCOUT, AND HE WILL SECURE US A STADIUM.
Zygi, if you interrupt me again, I will shove your Triangle of Authority so far up your New Jersey ass that Snooki, The Situation, and the Apple Valley Volunteer fire department will need three weeks to find it. DO NOT make me stare at you.
You really don’t want that, Mr. Wilf.
Holy hell, what have I gotten myself into?
Anyway, our new talent scout. May I introduce…sigh…Charlie.
Hey everyone. Look, there’s going to be a tsunami of media over this. We’ll ride it on my mercury surfboard.
I’ve known you for one second and I hate you. What do you know about football?
Cool out, bro. I’m a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.
If you call me bro one more time, I promise you I will put your cocaine polluted head in between my forearm and bicep and will pop you like a zit, and the last thing your eyes will see before they pop out of your filthy skull is my maniacal laugh..
THIS IS THE SMARTEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE, AND I HAVE DONE MANY, MANY SMART THINGS. EXCEPT WHEN I TOLD ANOKA COUNTY I LOVED THEM ONLY AND KEPT FLIRTING WITH MINNEAPOLIS. THAT WAS DUMB. OTHER THAN THAT, I AM ALL GENIUS.
Well, uh, Charlie. What can you tell me about Auburn DT Nick Fairley, for example?
Whoa, NFL scout? I was told I was going to be working for the Pope as a Vatican assassin.
CHARLIE IS PART OF OUR FAMILY AND WE WILL LOVE HIM VIOLENTLY.
Can we get back to some rookie evaluations? How about Jake Locker?
Most of the time, and this includes naps, he’s an F-18, bro, and he will destroy you in the air and deploy his ordnance on the ground. You sign him, there’s a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins.
That’s an impressive evaluation, Charlie.
Says the man who traded a second round pick for AJ-frickin’-Feely. Charlie, talk to me about Cam Newton.
If you borrowed his brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ’Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from this terrestrial realm.
Wow, not bad. How about Ryan Mallet and his alleged drug use? Do you know anything about that?
He’s on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. His face would melt off and his children will weep over his exploded body.
Whoa, Mallet has kids?
Les, you really think anything that has come out of his drug addled pie hole has any merit at all?
Well, he was spot on about Newton and Mallet, wasn’t he?
Well, actually, yeah. Let’s ask him about a defensive player.
Good idea. Charlie, what can you tell us about JJ Watt?
He’s different. He has a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart. He’s got tiger blood, man.
Is that like blood doping?
Rick, if one more word comes out of your stinky Ohio mouth, I will stare at you until your Irritable Bowel Syndrome is incurable.
All right, Charlie, not too bad so far. One more question, and if you answer this correctly, we’ll let you stay. Talk to me about Packers coach Mike McCarthy.
I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if they wind up in our octagon. Clearly we have defeated this earthworm with our words—imagine what we will do in 2011 with our fire breathing fists. Boom, print that.
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!! LET US GO HIT BLOCKING SLEDS IMMEDIATELY!