So as I told you before, Dr. Prometheus (I know, odd name for a Voodoo Witch Doctor- but hey, you gotta keep an open mind in these kinda things) also revealed to me the results of the post-season of 2011-2012, right up through Super Bowl XLVI. I did forget to mention, however, that he in fact told me of the pre-season results as well. So this follow-up post will be like both a prequel and a sequel all at the same time- kind of like The Godfather Part II. (Yes, I just referred to my insane story as a legendary Academy Award winning film.)
So, prior to the miracle of a perfect... 17-0 season, as well as after, how did our beloved Vikings fare? Or better I should say, how will they fare? Read on, my friends.
Many chickens died to bring us this information.
Vikings at Tennessee: Vikings win, 14-7. Side note: a major surprise occurs when Chris Kluwe is listed not as the punter, but rather as the new OLB. Despite having never followed through on his threat to use steroids and HGH during the non-testing period of the lockout, his whiteboard diorama of why he would be a good fit is solid enough to convince Mike Singeltary to give him a shot. Also, Kluwe promises to not tell Leslie Frazier that Singeltary dropped his pants five times during the meeting. Kluwe did cry.
Vikings at Seattle: Vikings win, 10-3. Side note: in a bit of a surprise, post-lockout negotiations with Matt Hasselbeck succeed, and he returns as the starter for the Seattle Seahawks. However, he pulls a muscle upon seeing the new Vikings D-line: Brian Robison, Kevin Williams, Amobi Okoye, and an angry Jared Allen complete with mullett. The LB corps only confuses him, however, when he sees Chad Greenway, EJ Henderson... and Chris Kluwe. Hasselbeck is too startled to cry into his post-game meal of Chunky Soup.
Cowboys at Minnesota: Vikings win, 3-0. Side note: the low scoring game is not caused so much by the fact that few notable players are on the field as by the fact that both teams spend the majority of the game staring nervously at the roof. A preseason record for dropped passes is recorded. Several players on both sides do, in fact, shed a tear or two in pure fear.
Texans at Minnesota: Vikings win, 17-3. Side note: Joe Webb has secured his job as starting QB in this game, throwing a touchdown pass as well as rushing for another score. Unfortunately, Chris Kluwe, while retained as the punter, does not make the cut for his dream of becoming an NFL linebacker, with Singeltary favoring Jasper Brinkley for the role. Kluwe again cries.
Wild Card Round (Vikings Bye): Vikings win again, 7-0. Side note: several football commentators' heads explode upon trying to figure out how the Vikings keep doing this. Terry Bradshaw and Dan Marino, however, are occupied by a slinky that they find amazing, and are spared. John Madden comes out of retirement to explain to the entire football world that by having higher scores, the Vikings win their football games.
Divisional Round- Giants at Minnesota: Vikings win, 41-3. Side note: several key Vikings players are disappointed in the lack of a shut out to avenge the 2001 NFC Championship Game, but a field goal does occur when Madieu Williams, for some odd reason recently reactivated as the starter, allows Eli Manning to QB sneak up to field goal range when he is distracted by a butterfly. Tom Coughlin does not cry- but he does yell a lot.
NFC Championship Game- Packers at Minnesota: Vikings win, 56-52. Side note: during the game, Visanthe Shiancoe catches a touchdown pass in both hands while on his feet, stops in the endzone, and prepares a three course meal while never placing the football down. However, the referees rule that it was not a TD catch, as Shiancoe failed to show competency with a musical instrument during the process. Enraged, he suddenly pulls a sharpened toothbrush from his uniform, screaming that, like Joe Webb, he will prove his nickname is more than just a pun. The referees take great delight in ejecting him from the game, and secretly come up with a plan to call the game unfairly in favor of the Packers.
The plan is halted, however, when they suddenly realize that Shiancoe has snuck into the audience in disguise, and distributed bottles of Corby's whiskey to Viking fans in the stands. As the referees stand in fright at the unnerving stares from the Viking faithful, they quickly scrap the plan and decide to call a fair game.
In an incredibly exciting, high scoring game, the day is saved when Cedric Griffin intercepts a pass and runs it in for a touchdown at 0:13 in the fourth quarter, just as many Viking fans had finished tying their nooses and/or poured their allotted amounts of cyanide; the lives saved further reinforces Griffin's role as an absolute super hero. Upon this, Aaron Rodgers does not cry- but his head does explode. That said, rumors of a flight departing for Mississippi with an intended destination of Indianapolis do make several Viking fans cry in terror.
Prior to the game, Leslie Frazier is busy working in his office when a thought slowly begins to occur to him. He realizes that this season has not only brought miracles, but it has also brought avenging wins against the Falcons, Chiefs, Raiders, Saints, and Giants- and now the Steelers are in his way. Upon this realization, Frazier has an epiphany- much like Keanu Reeves in that awesome movie followed by those two terrible movies, Frazier realizes he is The One- it is his destiny to bring the Lombardi to Minnesota.
During the game, much excitement ensues. At one point, referees are forced to remove Jared Allen from atop a sacked Ben Roethlisberger, as Allen apparently intended to utilize his brand of ‘street justice' upon the man for his past... allegations. After putting his pants back on, he is fortunately allowed back in the game upon promising to no longer attempt to sodomize the opposing QB- this is thanks to the fact that this was actually not previously banned in the NFL rulebook. Later, Troy Polumalu is confounded when Adrian Peterson shocks him on a scoring run, having slipped on a luscious wig at the sidelines- Polumalu is paralyzed with jealousy, and does not make the tackle. During the third quarter, poor coverage from the Vikings' special teams results in Chris Kluwe actually making a saving tackle- leading him to storm over to the sidelines and demand "one more shot at linebacker" from Mike Singletary.
It is in the fourth quarter, however, when history is truly made. In an early offensive Vikings drive, Sydney Rice re-injures his hip. Zygi Wilf shakes in fury while thinking about the lucrative contract he had been signed to, and many Viking fans quickly begin grabbing bottles of cyanide and ropes. Just as the game is to proceed, however, ESPN announcers are suddenly startled by a conspicuous absence... and then their eyes are drawn to the field. A mysterious shaft of light has illuminated the exit gate from the Vikings' locker room, and an angelic chorus is heard. As a hush falls upon the teams and the crowd, a flock of white doves erupts from the tunnel, followed by... CRIS F'IN CARTER IN PADS AND UNIFORM. Declaring that he is enraged at the sight of a possible Minnesota loss, and further incensed that his bust still remains outside of Canton, The Great One has returned for one final run. Bill Musgrave quickly whips through his playbook to find what would be appropriate- before being shushed by Carter, who assures him to "just let it be" before entering the huddle.
The game proceeds and the drive ends with a Carter touchdown reception- as well as a penalty, as Carter forgot that he is no longer allowed to place his knee on the ground in celebration. Being a legitimate ruling, Frazier quickly urges Visanthe Shiancoe to put his sharpened toothbrush away.
Meanwhile, security guards are furiously trying to keep a very desperate Brett Favre out of the stadium, as he continually yells that "Carter was the one I really wanted to throw to all along!" Fortunately, Frazier had the foresight to confiscate Steve Hutchinson, Ryan Longwell, and Jared Allen's cell phones prior to the game, and they are unaware of what is transpiring.
The game concludes in the fourth quarter when Antoine Winfield intercepts a pass, lateraling it at the last moment to Chad Greenway, who barrels past the remaining Steelers for the game sealing score:
Vikings win, 32-25.
Afterwards, Viking fans across the nation weep at the final and just follow up to years of torturous existence. The Minnesota legislature quickly pushes through a bill to give the Vikings whatever they want for a new stadium, and a sullen Brett Favre cries as he finally goes home once and for all. Pat Williams makes a triumphant entrance into the stadium to fulfill his promise of taking off every article of clothing down to his jockstrap, throwing it all to the fans. Many children do cry upon the sight. Ragnar keeps his playoff promise, breaking his own record by shaving his beard with an axe in thirty seconds. is rushed into the HoF in the following vote, retiring once again to a life of deserved luxury.
But in the hubbub, there is one man who feels somewhat, and strangely, unsatisfied- Leslie Frazier. He realizes that while the Vikings had revenged themselves upon most teams... the Miami Dolphins remain unscathed. In the dead of one night following the Super Bowl, he finishes it all off by sneaking up to Jeff Ireland's house, leaving a bag of his own feces burning upon the step and ringing the doorbell. As Ireland is furiously ruining his leather Italian boots putting the small blaze out, Dez Bryant suddenly emerges from the shadows, punching Ireland in the face for asking if his mother was a prostitute.
Jeff Ireland does cry.