Ahem. Ahem. AAAAHEM. *Clears throat of phlegm, adjusts tie that shows the complete cast of the Simpsons, places half eaten turkey sandwich back in tin lunchbox*.
Distinguished members of the jury, you have heard thus far two gentlemen (using that term loosely of course) give you thus far some seemingly compelling arguments for one Mr. JJ Watts as well as... apparently, every other member of the draft class that could potentially go in the first round.
Now these arguments have used some fine statistics and logic and whatnot to try and convince you that they are indeed the correct ones. But to all of this, I have one thing to say- slander! Slander and lies!
Allow me to now present the full facts and truthiness of what we should do with our first round pick.
Ladies, Gentlemen... LLV*... we have but one option before us. We MUST address a situation that can only be described as ‘tragic'- our offensive line. While yes, one can make the argument that quarterback is the most important position today in football- who, exactly, in this draft class is the sure fire bet? Nobody, that's who.
Consider this. A strong front seven can make up for a weak secondary, and vice versa. A great passing game can make up for a poor running game, and vice versa. But what, exactly, can make up for a weak O-line? Nothing, that's what. Our superstar running back, his Royal Purpleness Adrian Peterson, is suffering a decline in production thanks to its porous nature. (It's true, look at the statistics. It's hard to notice, I know, because a ‘drop in production' for AP still equals a season that about 95% of other NFL RBs would give a body part for.) And he is starting to age for his position- just last season, he was sat out of some games due to injury. The man cannot do it alone.
And what of quarterback, the seemingly most glaring need for our beloved band of heroes? Say what you will about ol' Mr. Camera Phone, but last season, we happened to have a quarterback who had an incredibly quick release, a nearly supernatural sense of opposing defenses, and a body that, prior to a certain Bills LB, appeared to be able to survive a shotgun blast to the chest. And yet... he collapsed, both figuratively and literally, thanks to our O-line.
And if you don't believe me in regards to what happens with great QBs behind a bad O-line, I draw upon evidence submitted now from the rest of the league. Compare '09 Colts and '10 Colts. Did Mr. Peyton Manning suffer a decline? Yes. Why? O-line. Compare '07 Patriots and Super Bowl XLII Patriots. Did Mr. Tom Brady suffer right at the end of a then 18-0 run? Yes. Why? O-line. (To be fair, it was less a decline in the O-line as it was in an apparent super rage from the Giant's D-line, but the point remains valid- if you can't protect your QB, even Mr. Magnificent can't win the game for ya.)
Yes, yes- about a month ago I was stumping for Mr. Nate Solder. Why? Partly because at the time, it appeared to me that Castonzo would not be available to us, and partly because I had improperly reviewed available videos. No longer! Indeed, we may have out LTOF appear right before our very eyes in the draft, and it will be a talent that cannot be passed up. Castonzo has been described somewhat as ‘soft', in as much as he's not a ‘mauler'. So be it! We don't need a ‘mauler', we need someone who can BLOCK. Currently, our Left Tackle is Mr. Bryant McKinnie, who I intend to bring before this court in the near future on charges of ineptitude and utter laziness. The man has been given long enough, far too long in fact, to prove he can live up to his potential. We need someone to roll into that most crucial position on the O-line yesterday, and Castonzo will be able to step in right away. Furthermore, we could then try out McKinnie at Right Tackle, where perhaps his penchant for taking a down off will have less ramifications for us.
Imagine: a side of the O-line featuring both Anthony Castonzo as well as Steve Hutchinson. In a league featuring Suh, Peppers, and Matthews, we could actually have a wall there that these fearsome men could not penetrate. And imagine the holes and lanes opened for AP- he might get sucked into a black hole, because the gaps opened would be that intense.
If we're rolling with a vet for one more season in '11, we'll need to keep them upright. We can't have Mr. McNabb breaking ribs or Mr. Hasselbeck pulling butt-muscles. No sir. And with Anthony Castonzo on our team... we could... we could... ensure... wha... what's happening...
*crowd gasps as KJSegall suddenly faints into his chair, and then, zombie-like, rises back up*
Hello my friends. This is KJSegall's good friend, Dr. Prometheus. I have come to address you all through the medium of this blogger. Why do I not have a Jamaican accent, you ask? Because if spoke patois, you would not understand me. So I shall draw through his speech to make myself clear.
For those of you who think that the QB class in this draft holds the answers, behold! I come with grave warnings of the future. If the Carolina Panthers take Cam Newton... trade the 2012 first round draft pick with them now, for they shall own the #1 spot again! I foresee a big paycheck for Newton... and jail time shortly thereafter when he is caught for running an illegal hamster death race circuit! For the team that takes Mallett, beware... he shall play only three games before suddenly quitting the NFL to join Charlie Sheen on his tour, for they have a bond, a nose-bond! The team that takes Jake Locker will try and talk Brett Favre out of retirement, because they will need to lower their INT percentage... and the team that takes Blaine Gabbert shall discover that his most amazing talent is his ability to be amazingly mediocre! Farewell my friends, and be warned.......
*KJSegall collapses again, and slowly, groggily arises once more*
Whoa, what happened there? It feels like I went somewhere... anyways, no matter. As I was saying, Anthony Castonzo will be able to two key issues on our team- QB protection and run-game decline, and he'll be able to do it from day one. Let us draft this man forthwith, and claim the Lombardi that is so rightly ours!
*Told ya I'd get you.