In the words that the immortal Crash Davis spoke to Nuke LaLoosh, don't think. . .it can only hurt the ball club. - Chris
Y'all gather around. Come over to the Dark Side, Celie. I am your father, Luke, and I'm here to teach you what being screwed over is really all about.
No, you won't be seeing this stuff on the Oprah Winfrey Network (..."I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more"...). You're about to travel through another dimension, the six stages of grief. (...I'm so funny, I ought to be on the stage, and I hear that there's one leaving with the Vikings on it in about fifteen minutes...) Since our opponents are right about one thing (namely that you really don't get a vote on the issues), there's about to be a lynching, and the chosen winner whom the pols (not you) will pick to hang the blame on won't be named Stedman.
(You deserve a break today, so now. the break before the next salvo of the Enlightenment...)
Q. Why did the Coen Brothers call their movie "Fargo"?
A. Because there's nothing really funny in Minnesota. You have to leave the state.
Q. What's the difference between Mark Dayton and a waffle iron?
A. A waffle iron is made of sterner stuff and actually gets hot once you plug it in.
Yes, Jerry Lundegaard, this in fact is a remake of an old dark humor movie about some inept crime gone arwy. The original version was shot in Cleveland, nowadays the scene of a TV series about women of a certain age who (unlike those football Rams) abandon Los Angeles and move to the
Mistake on the Lake Best Location in the Nation. Ha, ha.
Now, Vikings fans, it's your corpse going into the chipper.
(Or as Dan always used to say on Laugh-in, say goodnight, Dick.)
Hi, ho, silver. Return with us now to those exciting days of yesteryear (those of you much too young to have actually seen the original), and I'll clue you in on the part where good old Tonto says, "What you mean 'we', pale face?"
The politicians of Cleveland never came right out and said, "Hell no, Art, we're never going to build you that damned new stadium." The melodrama was always interrupted with a "To be continued" and another word from our sponsors. Mr. Modell became weary of being kicked in his balls and took his pigskins to Baltimore, where in short order, that "moron" who had once hired Bill Belichick as a coach had won a Super Bowl (and for the record, we all know how useless that Mr. Bill is for winning those Super Bowls, the former northeast Ohio press corps' views not withstanding). The politicians then proclaim Modell as Judas for reasons that we'll mention later, but he wasn't really LeBron, he was just trying to make a living and doing the best he can. However, let us leave the grey dog as road kill over on Highway 41, and hop into the back of a another, connecting bus.
Yes this is the part of the movie where Zyg calls back that Californian and asks to be told about the fifty ways.
Art ... Zygmunt,
"Hop on the bus, Gus (don't need to discuss much),
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free." - Saint Paul Simon
(Yes, kids, I know it's a moldy oldy, but you just went all California on me during the earlier parts of the old movie, foolishly day-dream believing that technology would somehow save the planet from Valhalla (...the drive in California), and you fell into your ever-loving Terrell-Owen's-self-obsessed popcorn, merrily texting to your own potential imaginary lover, when (quite suddenly--at least from your myopic viewpoint) the train wreck "sort of" occurred.)
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon
Q. How do you know all this stuff, Elgar?
A. Well, yes Virginia, as a matter of fact, I was in Manhattan in December of 1980.
You cannot imagine how often I roll on the floor after reading what Minnesotans say in the papers about how much they know about California and why it's no real threat. It's like they are telling you that they've seen the Grand Canyon and it's just a drop in the bucket. Well, whatever your opinion on Arizona may be, please watch that first step. (Drop? Man it pours.)
More old movie dialog:
Butch Cassidy: What's the matter with you?
Sundance Kid: I can't swim.
Butch Cassidy: Are you crazy? The fall alone will probably kill you.
(Sure, Thelma and Louise were the ones at the Grand Canyon, but the dialog was left insufficient. I won't leave you hanging: the Minnesota Vikings are dead men walking.)
But now, back to our story. Minnesotans tend to ask Zygi if he's crazy. He can't outrun a bear. Of course, you oughta know by now. You should never argue with a crazy mind. Get your heads out of the Boundary Waters, my fine feathered friends. He doesn't have to outrun any damned grizzly; he just has to outrun you. (Living in Jersey and owning a jet, how hard could it be for him?)
He is smart enough of a businessman to know what his BFF Mark Dayton's "maybe later" really means. It's about the quick and the dead. "California for you on line six, Mr. Wilf." See, the pols aren't dense. They've seen this film before too. Someone will make him and offer he can't refuse, then they can cast him in the role of Iscariot. Pure cinematic genius! Like Gordon Gekko, they know greed is good: because it sells. Hey kids! Here's how you can make a Frankenstein monster in your own basement and sic the villagers and all their flaming torches on him! No new stadia or screenwriters required! Exit, stage left. It's as old as the Ten Commandments. I could have been Cecil DeMille. Pay no attention to that man behind the mirror, put out an APB and an Amber Alert for the guy with the moustache. What's the plate number? Do I have to do all the work around here?
What's the use? You really don't need some hyphonated name like Kübler-Ross to know how this movie ends.
1. Denial - "They'll figure out a way to keep the Vikings. They've always been here." (Yeah, if you weren't born before 1960, and have no idea who Max Winter was.)
2. Anger - It will be hard to notice, since half Minnesota is passive-aggressive. That's what Minnesota Nice is all about. We bring you some hot dish or lutefisk, welcome you to the neighborhood, and then try to kill you as you try to attempt to use the on ramps. (In Zygi's case, we tell you you don't have to buy the stadium or anything, you just have to buy the roads. Pay no attention to who uses the roads the other 347 days of the year. We all chip in around here, at least when you're buying. It's just one big happy family. (Maybe the Charles Manson family or the Addams Family.)
Now, like in Cleveland, people will get all wrapped up in name calling. "We'll get to keep the name Vikings." What law school do all these people attend? Is this one of those hokey internet universities? Is there some ex-high school coach from Massillon (also home of a noted Ohio state mental facility) named "Paul Viking" who started this football franchise? Get a brain scan at Mayo, people! Erik the Red is no longer even a resident of Minnesota. He did not leave you rights to the word "Viking" in his will
Oh, now you're angry? You slept through the part of the film where Hamlet was dithering about "to be or not," and awoke to find that the Viking ship had sailed? Yes, Vikings watchers, something was rotten in Denmark, but we're well into another scene now. Keep up.
Fade to black and dissolve the proverbial proverb. There are people who make things happen, people who watch things happen, and people who wonder what the hell happened. Have you figured out which group is yours yet?
3. Bargaining - No, been there, done that, burned the T-shirt. The Minnesota extrovert is the guy that looks down at the other guy's shoes. You were never cut out for this stage of the process. I don't know at what school you learned your negotiating skills, but happiness in Minnesota is not part of Zygi's requirements. It's one of yours. You can't bargain successfully by offering something the other party doesn't really need and expect to get yourself major consessions. Maybe you can improve the consession stands at the Dome? Ever ask yourself if rats like bigger popcorn stands in a giant crack house? Yes, bargaining is not truely your forte. Excuse my French, but this stage is so passe. Move on.
4. Depression - Yes, you're in one right now, and in more ways than one. Bummer, dudes. The surf is definitely not up. Annie was wrong: The sun won't come out tomorrow. You're burnt toast. History. Kaput.
5.Acceptance - It's going to be okay, but only if you do just what the ancient Vikings did. (No, not blow their own gjallarhorn.) Move to California. Chris Kluwe might show you around town, if only you stop being all weepy.
Forget Bob Dylan. Something was happening and you just didn't know what it was, did you Mr. Jones?
Do you feel like any formerly-called Prince now?
Nope. For no apparent reason, just queue that guy from North Carolina and pretend to yourself that it has something to do with the North Star State.
It's only words, and words are all I have...
(No wait, wrong song; it ain't happening, Big Guy. ...say it isn't so.)
Cue James Taylor for You've Got a Friend.
Roll the criedits. (Oops, Freudian slip..."credits")
Yep, it was a sad movie, but the guy can pick a good guitar and has a nice voice.
It wasn't a movie.. .Damned Oprah! Now, you too know what it's like have your family sold down the river.
You know the preacher likes the cold...
Am I turning all purple? What does it mean? I feel faint... I think I hear a voice calling me...
"Move toward the light... Get onto I-80... Go south at I-5 at Sacramento..."
(Say hi to Denny and Daunte... They're Mountain Lions now.)
The guidance will now end. Your final destination is on the left.