Stock Market Report, Week 8: It's The anti-49ers Game

Doug Martin probably ran for 20 yards on this play. Probably. - Hannah Foslien

I am beginning to really not like it when the Vikings play on Sunday, Monday, or Thursday night. It's supposed to be cool, fun, and a chance for the Vikes to showcase their skills to the rest of the league.

Lately, it's been one ass kicking after another, and last night was the classic definition of one. I don't know if they're blinded by the bright lights, the big stage, or what the case may be, but when the Vikings are put under pressure, they don't do well. Do they, Messrs Mercury and Bowie?


This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

Our SMR follows. Read if you dare.

Blue Chip Stocks:

Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin. When these two get the ball regularly, the offense moves. When they don't, the offense sucks. That's just a statement of fact, and at this point, as former Vikings Philosopher and Man of Mystery Kelly Campbell would say, 'it is what it is'.

Solid Investments:

None.

Junk Bonds:

Let's Start With The Run Defense. Okay, the Vikings used to let journeymen quarterbacks morph into Joe Montana for a day, and now,they've added journeyman running backs. Last week, LaRod Stephens Howling ran like LaWalter Payton, and last night rookie Doug Martin ran like Curtis Martin. Do you guys remember when running against the Vikings defense was as difficult as string theory physics? Yeah, me too.

Let's Continue With The Pass Defense. So, the Vikings had an opportunity to get back into the game in the second half. Blair Walsh nailed a 51 yarder to close within 10, and the Vikes desperately needed a three and out to give the ball back to the offense. Yeah, not so much. Doug Martin took a short pass from Josh Freeman and went 64 yards for a score. The game, for all intents and purposes, was over at that point.

Christian Ponder, QB: That stats would say he had an okay game: 19/35, 251 yards, one TD and 1 pick. Let's just put this out there--he was awful last night. But let's also put this out there as well--I do not advocate replacing Ponder with Joe Webb. And I will not argue the point anymore. The Vikings have to know if he can improve and get better. The only way they can do that is if he plays.

Every Receiver Not Named Percy Harvin: Michael Jenkins, I love you. As an OSU fan, I will be forever grateful for 4th and 14 and Holy Buckeye. You had almost 80 yards receiving last night, but all but maybe 10 of those yards were in garbage time. Jerome Simpson, you were signed to stretch the field. You haven't, and you're starting to give me a Bernard Berrian type vibe. Since you're new to Minnesota, let me assure you that you DO NOT WANT TO BE COMPARED TO HIM EVER. And wherefore art thou, Kyle Rudolph? You could star in a movie called 'Dude, Who Stole The Tight End?' As my drill instructor once told me--unfuck your shit.

The Offensive Line: You guys...you friggin' guys. Although I applaud your unconventional 'Olly Olly Oxenfree' blocking scheme, it tends to give your quarterback no time to set up in the pocket, even though it is entertaining to see Ponder run for his life, much like a helpless Christian in the Roman Coliseum when they loosed the lions. Christian...Ponder...lions...Roman Coliseum...did you see what I did there? DID YOU SEE THAT???

Buy/Sell:

Buy: Nothing about last night.

Sell: Everything about last night.

Don Glover Quote Of The Week:

Dad didn't come over last night. He thinks football on Thursday (except Thanksgiving) is un-American, much like soccer and the play in wild card game in baseball. He called at halftime wanting to know the score, and I told him they didn't look good:

Dad: See, I told you. That's what happens when you let communists make the TV schedule.

Look, this is an overly pessimistic SMR, but at the halfway point, I'll take 5-3. We knew that the Vikes had a manageable first half, and we also knew the back half is still going to be brutal. Just be prepared. Hope for the best, and expect the worst. That is our lot in life, isn't it?

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