So, are the Vikings going to Temptation Island? No, but it's been awhile since we've had a Spielman Doublespeak article.
2011 was a big buzzkill, we all know that. But at this time last year, there was a buzzkill going around the entire NFL--the lockout that threatened to spike the 2011 season, and instead of looking at potential free agents and draft picks, we were forced to deal with things like collective bargaining, lawsuits, and Lester Munson all the time.
So it's nice to read an article full of NFL GM Doublespeak. And since it's been almost two years since we've had to deal with an off season Rick Spielman interview, I thought maybe we'd need a refresher course in Spielman 101.
So with that in mind, let's try and parse what Spielman said to Holy Trinity member Mark Craig in the Minneapolis Star Tribune.
After the jump.
The first sentence in Craig's story sets up like an opening line to a Penthouse Forum story...uh, so I've been told, Mom:
A committed relationship with Christian Ponder won't keep the Vikings from checking out the top quarterbacks in this year's NFL draft.
Now, we'll look at what Spielman actually said, and then I'll translate what Spielman actually means.**
"I know we're very confident in Christian, but if one of those quarterbacks is too good to pass up, you also have to weight that in, too," Vikings General Manager Rick Spielman said. "But we're very, very confident in what Christian Ponder brings. As we go through this process and our coaches come into this process and we put this thing together in April, I don't know where we'll be."
What he actually means** is: "Look, we're hitching our wagon to Ponder, everyone knows that. WE ARE NOT GOING TO DRAFT A QB, SILLY SPORTS WRITERS AND BLOGGERS WHO COMMENT ON SPORTS WRITER STORIES. Drafting a QB in the first round two years in a row is the quickest route to the unemployment line for me--you know it, I know it, everyone in the NFL SHOULD know it. But maybe there's an idiot out there, probably in Washington's front office, that DOESN'T know that. They'll read this and think we might draft Robert Griffin III, and they'll need to ridiculously overpay us to make a trade for him. We hold out hope to one day make up for the Herschel Walker trade, and quotes like this might help do that."
We now return you to Penthouse Forum/craiglist/Roger Ebert movie review:
"We'll be doing full monty on [Luck] and RG3," Spielman said. "You never know what happens on draft day, and I would rather be overprepared than underprepared."
"Weird things happen on draft day. Top 5 picks could slip out of the top 10 or top 20. Dan Snyder might actually make a smart pick. Roger Goodell could come on stage and club a baby seal. All of that will happen before we pick Andrew Luck or RG III."
From there, the interview moved to a topic that was made to be double talked, and Spielman hit a Craig softball out of the park. I mean, Harmon Killebrew in his prime couldn't have hit it farther. The player: Chris Cook, erstwhile cornerback and puncher to the face of women (allegedly):
"I just say you can never have enough good corners," Spielman said. "So you're always trying to get good corners regardless, especially in the division we play."
"Put your morals aside and get ready, because we're going to bring him back if he avoids prison. You may not like it, I don't like it, but our secondary blows ass. We need him. He's going to play if he can."
From there, Spielman actually gets fairly candid, but doesn't come clean 100%. On Adrian Peterson's rehab:
"We've been very pleased with how he's been rehabbing," Spielman said. "The way he's been working and where he's at in his rehab, he'll be extremely close to being ready" for the start of the regular season.
"Adrian Peterson is a cyborg, and cyborgs are not human. Cyborgs search, destroy, and kill. And he will do that come week 1. We need more cyborgs."
Next up, on the possibility of re-signing WR Randy Moss, who wants to return to the NFL in 2012:
"We'll be moving on," Spielman said when asked about Moss. "Randy was a great player. But again our focus is more on trying to get a young team."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nope. next."
So here we conclude with your Spielman 101 Refresher. Remember, it's the NFL 'silly season'. Nobody says what they mean, and nobody means what they say. Except Mike Tice. Dude wore his emotions on a sleeve.
**Not really what Rick Spielman means, probably. Maybe. I mean, if I COULD read his mind, I could read ALL minds, and I'd have all kinds of filthy luchre.
Enjoy your weekend, boys and girls.