Ace: Take us through a typical day in the life of a passenger of Dink-&-Dunk.
Musgrave: Sure thing Ace. We operate like any other airline. All of your preparations are similar to other airlines as we get our planes ready to fly. The passengers pay similar prices to any other airline; check their bags like any other airline. The difference comes once you get to board our plane. We have a wonderful young pilot by the name of Captain Ponder who will greet you with some facial scruff and a winning smile when you board the plane. Once everyone is seated and ready to go, then the real fun begins.
Ace: So…how is this different from anybody else?
Musgrave: Our difference is in our employees and our mission statement. We have very few employees for 2 reasons. Number one, to keep costs down. Number two, when you get good ones you don’t need many.
Ace: Okay, so, once everyone is seated on the plane I have heard that you have had a few problems. Is that true?
Musgrave: Like any new airline, there are always a few kinks to work out. Yes, once everyone is seated we have a few ramp rats assigned to push the plane out onto the runway. Unfortunately, ramp rats Jenkins and Aromashodu have had some problems getting any separation from the gate. They are great employees, but maybe we had them in the wrong roles.
Ace: You couldn’t even get the plane away from the gate!?! That sounds like a MAJOR problem to me.
Musgrave: It does, unless you’ve got ramp rat/air traffic controller/co-pilot/steward Percy Harvin in your employ! RRATCCPS Harvin is our Swiss army knife employee. So he just hopped out there and got us away from the gate. After that, the fun really begins. Captain Ponder fires up the engines and sends the plane flying down the runway. Co-Pilot Harvin (who has returned to the cockpit by now…after providing refreshments for our passengers of course) helps Captain Ponder get the plane off the ground. We then instruct Captain Ponder to land the plane on an adjacent runway at MSP. Man! I get excited just talking about this!
Ace: So…you don’t even leave the airport? You just runway hop?
Musgrave: That’s right Ace. Remember what our mission is: "To give fans a taste for the thrill of flight combined with the same care and safety provided to a newborn baby." The less time we are in the air, the safer it is for our crew and for all of our customers. The chance of something going wrong is reduced dramatically.
Ace: I’d like to go in a little different direction for a moment. Why did you decide to only allow Vikings fans on your airline? Why not open it up to fans from other cities? Wouldn’t profits be increased?
Musgrave: Great question Ace. After doing some extensive market research, it appears that fans in most other cities prefer to be reckless with their lives and actually fly in the air…like waaayyyyy up high. It excites them for some reason. I don’t get it. Kamikaze Crazies is what they are.
Ace: But don’t those airlines give those customers a much greater chance of getting where they want to go?
Musgrave: Sure, if by getting where they want to go you mean a fiery grave. Listen, I get that there is a thrill-seeker inside each and every one of us. But it is my job as the operator of Dink-&-Dunk airlines to make sure that that thrill-seeker gets buried alive and never sees the light of day.
Ace: What if something happens to Captain Ponder?
Musgrave: Well….we do have another pilot named Captain Webb. He is currently on administrative leave though. He is much too risky. Under his watch our planes were in the air much longer than I prefer, and it was just too unpredictable. If something happened to Captain Ponder we would probably just bump crewman/air traffic controller/co-pilot/steward Percy Harvin over to the Captains seat.
Ace: Forgive me, but I feel the need to summarize what you are telling me. Your airline is cheap, relies on primarily one employee to do all the work, charges full price to its customers, and barely lets the plane leave the ground?
Musgrave: Exactly! Our employee satisfaction rate is really quite high. Most of them get paid and don’t really even have to do much. We also provide unique benefits that other airlines don’t offer. Did you know we offer free fire-starter lessons….