We've had fun with Vikings GM Rick Spielman before, because Rick Spielman is a master of saying everything yet nothing at the same time. Coach Leslie Frazier has watched and learned at the foot of the Master, and today Frazier took Rickspeak to a new level.
Today, Frazier had his weekly Monday press conference, and obviously, he was asked about Josh Freeman. To read between the lines and discern what Frazier really meant, I have taken the official transcript from the Vikings official website, and using the latest voice data analysis technology**, and the lady from the O'Reilly Factor that analyzes body language***, I have been able to accurately interpret what Leslie Frazier actually meant**** when discussing Freeman.
**I have no voice data analysis equipment, and if I did, it would be some cheap ass shit
***I've never met or spoken to her.
****As always, I have no idea what anyone ever means, especially Leslie Frazier.
Q: What's your plan for this week and who's your starter?
What Frazier said: We're going to see how Christian (Ponder) does on Wednesday, but between he and Matt (Cassel), they'll be the guys that will start the game. We're not going to try to get Josh up and going for this ball game. We'll see where he is and we'll have an update later on.
What Frazier Meant: We plan on Ponder being hurt on Wednesday, regardless of how he feels. Make no mistake, Matt Cassel will start, because if he doesn't, Vikings fans will riot and revolt, not necessarily in that order. If we had made a move on Freeman LAST week, his ass would be out there, because my job is riding on how we finish this season.
Q: Do you anticipate Ponder's ribs will be good enough for him to play?
What Frazier said: That's hard to say right now. We're going to see where he is tomorrow and Wednesday as well, but we're going to talk about it and come to a resolution pretty soon.
What Frazier Meant: No, absolutely not. Because actually, Christian is temporarily paralyzed from the neck down. He won't be healthy until week 18.
Q: What's the primary reason you signed Josh Freeman?
What Frazier said: We're hoping that he's another good football player that our personnel guys, along with myself, felt like could help our team. That was the primary reason. We're always trying to find guys who you think can help your team win and we think he's one of those guys.
What Frazier Meant: Well, Christian Ponder is about as popular as the bubonic plague, and we really feel that after he throws his first incompletion on Sunday, people would rather see Bane come out on the field and start blowing it up than watch Ponder anymore. And Matt Cassel is on borrowed time. He's about three quarters of football away from remembering he's Matt Cassel, and when that shit tsunami hits, we want to be able to throw a quarterback life jacket to the seven fans we will have left in the state of Minnesota. Hopefully, he'll keep us afloat long enough to get my house packed up and out of the state before people realize what the hell just happened. It's a long shot, but that's plan A. I don't have a plan B.
Q: Are you afraid it's going to mix up the chemistry a little bit?
What Frazier said: No, our guys want us to do whatever it takes to win, whatever it takes to help us improve and they understand the business we're in and we're trying to do something to help us win, so it should help our chemistry.
What Frazier Meant: Nope. They are so desperate for anything that resembles a pulse behind center, they'd get behind Miley Cyrus if she could throw a football on a rope and hit a glass of water at 60 yards. Also, I was told there would be no chemistry involved in this Q and A. Ask another one, or a math question, and this presser is over.
Q: Can you go forward with those three quarterbacks - Ponder, Cassel and Freeman - or do you have to make a move?
What Frazier said: No, you don't. We've had three guys on our roster throughout these first four weeks of the season so it wouldn't be unusual to do that, so we don't have to make a move.
What Frazier Meant: Well DUH, of course we have to make a move. We have a starter going to the third string, a second string guy that's on borrowed time, and a free agent signee we're going to give more latitude to than AA gives to Lindsay Lohan. But yeah, we could keep all three quarterbacks, because we want to watch the world burn.
Q: What does it mean for Christian's career here?
What Frazier said:: I think Christian still has a bright future here with our football team. It may not look like that on the surface, but Christian is a professional, he's going to work as hard as he can every day to prepare and get back out on the field and help our team win. He's a pro.
What Frazier Meant: (Hysterical laughter)
Q: Did either Ponder or Cassel have questions for you about the signing of Freeman and what that means for them?
What Frazier said:: I sat down with both of them this morning and talked to them about the signing and what the implications were. I think we're all on the same page and how it affects them and how it can affect our team.
What Frazier Meant::They had questions. Lots of questions.
Q: What kind of concerns did they express to you?
What Frazier said:: No real concerns, they just wanted to know from me what the move entailed and how it would affect them.
What Frazier Meant:: They had concerns. Lots of concerns.
Q: When you spoke to Josh, how did that conversation go?
What Frazier said: He was very interested. He has friends on our team evidently and he talked to a bunch of our guys prior to me even talking with him so he knew it was pretty good. I was surprised. He knew a lot about us and how we do things and he kind of wanted to be in this environment. He wanted a fresh start and he was excited that I'd talk with him and a lot of it had to with the guys he had already talked with on our team. They had kind of set the table, which those guys in the league, they talk all the time.
What Frazier Meant:: I was like "DUDE COME TO MINNESOTA" and he was like "DUDE I WANT TO COME TO MINNESOTA BECAUSE MY COACH IS A DICK" and I was like "DUDE I'M SO NOT A DICK, I"M COOL AND LAID BACK AND STUFF" and he was like "DUDE I KNOW, I"M IN" and I was like "WOOOOOOO" and he was like "WOOOOOO".
Q: Did you have to do a sales job? Or was he already decided?
What Frazier said: I got the sense, and he'll be able to answer this better when you talk with him this afternoon, but there wasn't much of a sales job that needed to be done.
What Frazier Meant: Of course I did. Our defense can't stop a good high school team right now, the offensive line is more porous than the French Army in World War I AND II, and my offensive coordinator is Bill Musgrave, who is more predictable than what part of the sky the sun rises in. I had to sell this like a BOSS, yo.
Q: When Josh is up to speed how do you approach that situation?
What Frazier said: Just have to see how long it takes him to understand our offense and what's required to run our offense and then go from there.
What Frazier Meant: He'll start for the rest of the season, and barring a miracle, we'll blow it all up again.
Q: What's the message to the team that you want to send with three quarterbacks in the mix and a season that's still in play?
What Frazier said: For our team, and I talked with them about this this morning, the focus for us is this Carolina game and whatever we've got to do to get a win and Josh is not going to be the starting quarterback this weekend. Our guys know the preparation that's required of them and they really have to focus on their roles and their responsibilities. But they understand our goal is to win games. It shouldn't have any affect other than they know we are trying to win.
What Frazier Meant: We have no idea what we're doing, but we do know this: If we feel you're not performing up to standards, we'll cut you and sign a quarterback to take your place.
Q: Does Josh come in with a chance to start at a later time?
What Frazier said: That's part of the equation. When we talked with him that's definitely on the table. So we'll see how he progresses and how well he picks up our offense.
What Frazier Meant: Josh comes in with a chance to start yesterday.
Q: Does Matt definitely start this weekend?
What Frazier said: We're going to see how Christian does and then we'll make a decision.
What Frazier Meant: Yup.
Q: What is Ponder's condition right now?
What Frazier said: He's still recovering from the rib fracture. I'll know a little bit more tomorrow along with Wednesday when we get back where he is.
What Frazier Meant: Christian is paralyzed from the neck down. Can't play. Should be okay about week 18, though.
Q: He was throwing balls earlier right?
What Frazier said: He threw the ball some. We had him throwing even at the end of last week just to see how he'd feel and how he'd feel moving around. Today we did a little bit more moving around and we'll do more moving when we come back Wednesday.
What Frazier Meant: Noooooooope. Nothing to see here, move along. Paralyzed. Neck. Down. Week 18. Show's over, folks.
Q: Is he still your number one quarterback?
What Frazier said: He's still our starter if he's healthy.
What Frazier Meant: (Hysterical laughter)