Elgar was baffled. Where was Gage Hall? Why can't he find Mankato? Things look so strange these days. Is it the new Viking uniforms?
No, this place looks somehow like Anaehoomalu Bay. So, how lost is Elgar? They say there is no sandy beach at Minnesota State, is there? Naw, even the Hilo High Vikings are supposedly on the other side of the Big Island. Elgar still firmly believes the Minnesota Vikings' ship has already come in, as he points out to sea. Why can't he just get his ship together?
What am I worried about this preseason? Flying into Newark come 2014 and counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike, they've all come to look for the Vikings' horns. Well, if you're going to Super Bowl Sunday, be sure to wear your purple earmuffs there. The Gjallarhorn ain't taking no prisoners where the TV's on. King Zyg of Scandanavia West is bringing trouble to the Meadowlands, and it starts with a captial "V", and that stands for Vikings and Victory.
Oh, that silly Elgar. There he goes again.
Okay, I'm not in Mankato. What I'm worried about this year is the fans. They have to stop living in the past and get hip to the cogitation. No fan ever won a game by dying metaphorically for his franchise. That's right General Ragnar, wars are won by making the other fans die for their franchises. Stand up in front of that massive purple banner with the one horn on it. That ain't no unicorn, people. It's the rest of the NFL's worst nightmare.
Maybe people will start to get a clue come London. All Day, all night, Maryann: They can't tackle Superman. Steel Curtain my donkey.
But Viking fans? Oh the humanity! Flaming drigibles, Daddy Warbucks, forget about missed field goals and the Kansas City Chiefs. Those tunes are moldy oldies. Hank Stram has not required a field pass to get into games for years. Quit staring at him. Don't tie the albatross around your own neck. The reason the bird was good luck is he's going where you want to go, ashore. The curse only works if you believe it. We're not stealing volcanic rocks here, we are trying to win football games. That could use the 12th man.
Fans need to read the play book and know where to yell and when not to yell to help the Vikings. Firing Brad Childress won't win a Super Bowl any more than throwing virgin into a volcano. Whining is the new kapu. All whiners should be beaten to death. Keep your eyes on the prize. These distractions of "oh, ain't it awful being a Viking fan; woe is me" are not what is needed for success.
Success? Yes, you imbecile! Come over here. Any stooge knows we need to help the team, not to have more people sending out engraved invitations to pity parties.
If you don't see the Viking ship coming in as I do, consider this: Maybe I'm pointing at the pool of tears from 31 other NFL team's fans.