Well, everyone, Professor Loki just couldn't be found. Apparently he ran into some trouble a bit back and had to go into hiding... something about a hulkish figure, I couldn't quite figure it. I was kinda bummed, as while last year Professor Loki may have been a tad off in some of the specifics, but to his credit he nailed the 10-6 record, the season finale victory over Green Bay, and Adrian Peterson's ascent to 2K status. Supposedly he actually foresaw the post-season results but didn't have the heart to share them, and created an alternate story so that we could all be blissfully ignorant until the time of great tragedy came.
Well, this put me into a bind. I couldn't exactly go back to Dr. Prometheus... G-d rest his heathen soul... due to the, ah, ‘firing'. I knew that since every single reader on the Daily Norseman eagerly anticipates my season predictions each year, I had to find a reliably prophetic seer.
I nearly went with this homeless guy who could do magic tricks, because my G-d he was a wizard!, but then I had a long and thoughtful conversation with my dog, and he enlightened me to a simple fact:
DOGS! DOG-KIND CAN BE OUR PROPHET!
Think about it, it makes perfect sense. They always seem to know when something bad is about to happen. I mean, remember that documentary "Super 8"? The dogs knew crap was going down and they bolted. PROPHETS!
Plus, as we all know, dogs are man's best friends and the compilation of all that is good. Ergo, they are naturally by sheer instinct Vikings fans. I mean, you may have some Packers or Bears friends (I doubt you have friends who are Lions fans, but if you do, keep a hold of them- that's like finding a leprechaun) who have dogs, but those poor beasts are suffering, just like when you see a crazy old lady who dresses her dog up like a Hollywood starlet.
(But if you put a Vikings jersey on your dog, you're just fulfilling their natural wild instinct, and you are a good person.)
So, with my furry companion at my side, I rounded up the best and brightest of Caninery and we got right to work. Through a mixture of a dog's natural instincts, doggy statistical research, and bark magic (HAHA GET IT), behold!- the season results of Your Minnesota Vikings 2013 Season!
At Lions- W, 38-6.
Our heroes start the season off right with a triumphant victory in Detroit, despite a close call when Christian Ponder is mugged in the parking lot on his way in. The Music City has no songs when on the first offensive snap, Adrian Peterson explodes across the field for an enormous 60 yard gain. He begins his furious rush by aiming towards Ezekiel Ansah, who for some damn reason is still wearing those 3-D glasses. As the cybernetic running back charges towards him, Ansah exclaims "it's like he's coming right at me!" before being leveled in a horrific (yet totally legal) way.
The Vikings furious offensive attack is not only aided by their re-tooled receiver corps, but also because at halftime half of the Lions defense is placed under arrest. The severely depleted roster is unable to contain the vicious three deep attack of Cordarrelle Patterson, Jarius Wright, and Greg Jennings, who each score a touchdown. Kyle Rudolph, despite an otherwise outstanding game, does not have the opportunity to score and sadly puts away his ice auger.
On defense the Vikings present a smothering attack. While Megatron proves predictably troublesome, Matthew Stafford has difficulty getting the ball to him when the Vikings utilize a unique nickel formation that involves Josh Robinson sitting on Chris Cook's shoulders, finally creating a super cornerback that Megatron is unable to catch jump balls over. The three-headed dragon of Jared Allen, Everson Griffin, and Brian Robison create nightmares for the glass QB, but he does get his revenge when offering Sharrif Floyd a high five after the game... and then raising his hand up to where poor Floyd's stubby arms cannot reach.
Despite the success, Chad Greenway, however, is very upset when he returns to find his vehicle on blocks after the game.
At Bears- W, 27-21.
Our valiant Norsemen continue their bold quest for seasonal dominance in the Windy City. At first, the defense is a little lacking up front when Sharrif Floyd is unavailable during the first quarter. As a ‘rookie prank', Jared Allen and Kevin Williams placed his helmet on top of his locker... it took Floyd 20 minutes to finally get someone to help him get it down. After finding out, Leslie Frazier firmly berates his two veterans, pointing out that their cruelty caused the poor DT to cry. Feeling bad, they pitch in to buy him a grabber after the game.
The Bears offense is continually hampered by Jay Cutler, who spends the majority of his pre-snap huddles getting into pushing matches, angered that all he seems to see is "rage in the shape of a mullet" coming at him, screaming that he'd "rather eat a cupcake than be stuck behind this bunch of goons". On the other side of the ball, the Bears defense struggles against the three deep; however, they do get a bit of a boon when Adrian Peterson leaves the game temporarily- desperate for 2.5K, he does not stop running upon hitting the end zone, instead continuing to run clear out of the stadium and all the way to Wrigley Field (where an exhausted James Saxon finally catches up to him in his car and informs him that the NFL does not count "post-TD-yards".)
Sadly, Kyle Rudolph, despite another otherwise good game, does not score once again. He is seen on the sidelines sadly holding an ice auger and wondering why he keeps lugging it around.
Browns- W, 28-7.
The Vikings enjoy their home season opener against a team best known for pooping metaphor jokes. Excited fans line up before the game, getting some autographs from the Vikings heroes, but sadly one little boy leaves disappointed- he had hope for Sharrif Floyd's autograph, but the damn pen was all the way across that stupid table. Despite his aggravation, Floyd feels bad and instead asks the boy what else he would like: the boy answers that he wants to see Aaron Rodgers cry.
Floyd promises he can make this happen.
Chris Cook has a great first half, but blows out his medulla oblongata in the process and must sit out the rest of the game. Regardless, the misery of Cleveland simply cannot keep up with the high-octane Vikings offense and stifling defense, and the game is over before halftime.
As a side note, Rudolph finally scores, but just as he begins to rev his ice auger, he discovers he forgot to fuel it. He instead celebrates his first score of the season by becoming a sobbing, crumpled mass of man.
Steelers- W, 17-10.
It's a violent game across the pond, and the NFL's chances of moving to London are somewhat hurt when only half the stadium is filled- apparently, upon hearing that "the Vikings" were coming, the confused Brits bolted for the hills in terror.
Despite the brutality of the game, the play is somewhat lackluster on both sides, as the jet lag and unfamiliar food have taken their toll on both teams. BECAUSE LONDON IS A BAD PLACE TO PUT AN NFL TEAM, GOODELL. Ahem. LaMarr Woodley has a particularly bad incident, when Adrian Peterson lowers his head and absolutely abolishes his will to live. Just as the referees are about to throw the flag, they realize that Peterson did not hit him with his helmet... as the cybernetic organism had thrown it off just before impact so as to allow the brutal leveling. The refs shrug and contemplate throwing the flag anyways, because they realize they haven't properly screwed the Vikings yet this season.
The Vikings do suffer a bit of a loss when Chris Cook, newly returned to the field, sprains his colon attempting to make a tackle and must once again finish the game on the bench.
Analysts become confused how the Vikings won a game during the bye week, but realize it was because Blair Walsh (despondent over a lack of FG opportunities thanks to a Vikings offense that can actually score TDs in the redzone) had secretly snuck into some other games wearing a fake mustache. Which further confuses analysts, as Blair Walsh had recently already grown a real mustache.
Panthers- W, 127-1.
[Editor's note: that score doesn't seem right...]
THE GAME STARTS GOOD. PONDER THROWS BALL FOR JENNINGS, BUT REALLY PONDER DIDN'T THROW THE BALL. IT WAS HA HA HA HUH HUMANS?! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!?! THEN PETERSON
THEN PETERSON DO GOOD. PETERSON RUN YAYYY. FRAZIER SCRATCHES PETERSON BEHIND THE EAR AND GIVES HIM TREAT YAYYY!!! AND THEN JARED ALLEN, HE HUMPS CAM NEWTON ON THE LEG BAD JARED BAD...
[Editor's note: Oh good G-d, the dogs apparently screwed this one up. I think that score should have been an indicator. Uhm... let's just move along. I imagine they at least got the fact that we win correct, though.]
At Giants- L, 21-17.
Sadly, the Vikings 6-0 start (despite having only played 5 games) suffers its first loss in the Big Apple. With Chris Cook having recently injured his eyelid, the Vikings secondary is unable to fully keep up with Eli Manning's elite quarterbacking play. Because this of course is one of the games he looks elite in.
The Vikings offense also suffers its own loss when Kyle Rudolph is briefly imprisoned for drinking out of a Big Gulp prior to the game. While he would have been able to return by halftime, he is further held up arguing with an officer about the return of his ice auger; he explains that he absolutely needs it, because "scoring a TD without it just wouldn't be right".
Adrian Peterson also has a sad day. When Ponder throws a pick to Prince Amukamara, Peterson chases down the CB, picks him up, and carries him over his shoulder back to the Vikings end zone... all while successfully juking and outrunning the entire rest of the Giants defense. Afterwards, he is crushed to learn that "yards gained while carrying an opponent" do not count in official NFL statistics. But he doesn't pout... because he's Adrian freaking Peterson, not Percy the prick Harvin.
Packers- W, 27-7.
Amazing the entire NFL world by soundly trouncing the Best Team G-d Has Ever Created (copyright ESPN), the Minnesota Vikings absolutely steamroll the Green Bay Packers.
The game starts off looking well for The Best Sports Team In The Entire World (copyright ESPN) when the Packers succeed in stifling the Vikings at their own 33 yard line. The punt return team takes the field, but is confused when Blair Walsh trots out. Stroking his mustache and sizing up the distance, he gives the nod to Leslie Frazier, and the kick team takes the field. The Packers laugh until HOLY HELL WALSH NAILS A 67 YARD FIELD GOAL. The incredible boom of his golden foot striking the football is so intense that the entire Packers sideline drops to the ground in terror, looking up as the ball sails through the uprights and into the stands.
After, Walsh simply lights a smoke, winks at the camera, and says "....ladies."
The lone touchdown for the Team That Could Cure Cancer If It Really Wanted To (copyright ESPN) comes when Cook, attempting to cover Jordy Nelsen, suddenly collapses when his shin bone has a stroke. As he's taken off the field, Certified Athletic Trainer Eric Sugarman (tm Eric) simply throws his hands up in frustration, then lays them back upon Cook... and magically cures him of all ailments forever. 347 years later, as a quite aged and yet perfectly healthy Cook finally passes on, he remembers the day fondly.
Aaron Rodgers has a rough outing, as his offensive line struggles against the hydra of Griffin, Robison and Allen. At one point he freezes in terror when Jared Allen simply appears before him... but then just stands there before saying "behind you". As Rodgers slowly looks behind him, he sees too late Desmond Bishop charging straight into him. As they trot off the field following the brutal sack, Bishop tells Allen he'll give him his $10 after the game.
During the postgame conference, Christian Ponder is asked about Greg Jennings' performance in the game. He smugly replies "who?", and Aaron Rodgers' subsequent wailing can be heard in four different states.
At Cowboys- W- 21-13.
Things have not been going well for the team in Dallas this season. While they're not out of the playoffs yet- because hey, it wouldn't be the Cowboys if they didn't choke at a crucial time- Tony Romo is already regretting skipping a golf tournament he was favored to win to attend training camp. Despondent that he has missed his one chance to win a championship this year, he actually chooses to skip this game for golf, and that does spell some minor trouble for the Vikings.
Prior to the game, Xavier Rhodes, Chris Cook, and Josh Robinson have all celebrated the fact that they have all individually guaranteed themselves an INT in this game. They are deeply saddened when they see instead Kyle Orton on the field- not simply because they have less of a chance of picking him off than Romo, but because of the neckbeard. Seriously, it causes poor Josh Robinson mild depression when he first lays eyes upon it.
Regardless, the game stays strong for the Vikings, although Blair Walsh is once again frustrated that he loses out on opportunities for FGs thanks to an offense that can actually score TDs. Kyle Rudolph snags one of the three touchdowns, but is tackled by twenty-seven security guards (because 26 wasn't enough to bring him down) when he almost ruins a piece of JerryWorld with his ice auger.
On the defensive side, one Mr. Sharrif Floyd has an excellent game. Fueled by the reminder that the Cowboys traded down and drafted Travis Frederick instead of selecting him, Floyd proves the idiocy of their ways at poor Frederick's expense. At one point, as he is literally soaring through the air, Frederick can be heard crying "I didn't even think I should have gone in the first round whyyyyyy!!!!".
After the game, Jerry Jones begins to doubt the wisdom of having paid Tony Romo so handsomely before the season. Then his senility sets in, and he thinks once more that he actually paid Troy Aikman... which actually explains a LOT.
Redskins- L, 21-20.
Sadly, the Vikings valiant attempt at vengeance from 2012 falls just short. Robert Griffin III has a fine day, as it has recently been revealed that Dr. Andrews had used a vial of Adrian Peterson's nanobot-infused blood to assist in his knee surgery. While some believe Peterson would be upset at this, he simply opens his arms and expresses that "the power of AD is for all to share, if they can".
One Viking in particular does have an impressive game- Blair Walsh's first FG is an amazement for all to see. He is too busy sitting in his sideline hot tub (did I forget to tell you Walsh brings a hot tub for the sidelines to every game now?) to opt to take the field; he instead simply boots the FG from there. At first the angle appears far too bizarre to possibly go through... until the ball magically curves midair and soars straight through the uprights, causing Skip Bayless' head to explode. After the game, Walsh is awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his efforts in finally banishing the troll from the world of the living.
Also, he is sitting in a hot tub on the stage when he is awarded the medal.
Things do go ill for Redskins HC Mike Shanahanadingdong when he opts to send a somewhat banged-up RGIII in on kickoff coverage, further cementing analysts' general recent consensus that the coach actually deeply abhors his QB and is actively trying to get him killed. Frustrated, RGIII opts to not take the field for such a dangerous play- and expresses this by nailing Shanahanadingdong in his nuts with his surgically repaired knee.
At Seahawks- L, 37-21.
RAGNAROK IS UPON US. VIKINGS VS. VIKINGS. VALHALLA SPILLS ITS HORDES OF HEROES UPON THE BATTLEFIELD. FRIEND AGAINST FRIEND... ok I'm done.
The prediction is indeed dire here, my friends. It is a dark day in Seattle because... well, I mean, it's Seattle. Have you ever been there? It rains like 80% of the time in a good year.
The Vikings proper score early against their junior foes, with Adrian Peterson suddenly bursting from behind Phil Loadholt and charging furiously across the field. Richard Sherman and co. are unable to stop the biomechanical organism, and despite a suddenly silenced crowd a nearby Richter scale records an minor earthquake when AD levels Bobby Wagner in a manner that later draws a major FCC fine. (But, surprisingly, not an NFL fine.) Standing on the sidelines, Antoine Winfield glares at Pete Carroll, reminding him- "I am the only human alive capable of stopping that thing. Maybe."
Vikings junior however begin to march right back. Russell Wilson begins to fling the ball to Sidney Rice and there terrifying new weapon- Percival Harvin, who's hip "all of a sudden just got better". Things begin to truly look ill until Harvin out of the blue becomes petulant, and demands to be traded to "whatever team has Brett Favre". Despite being repeatedly informed that Favre has actually, factually retired several years ago, he chooses to storm off to the locker room- and blows out his ankle in the process.
Later, a bizarre play occurs when, in the end zone, Christian Ponder fumbles the ball against a heavy blitz. For some reason Rick Spielman, who has decided to stand on the sidelines, picks up the football thinking it was out of bounds... and IS THEN ABSOLUTELY FREAKING DESTROYED BY ANTOINE WINFIELD. Seriously, it's not pretty. The crushing of bones is heard even over the roar of the stadium. The referees initially are confused about what to do with the play, before Winfield walks over to them and informs them that it will be a safety- because he goddamned deserves it. Contemplating the situation that led to his release, the officials can only decide that yes, karma is a bitch and rules the safety.
Rick Spielman, meanwhile, lays quietly on the field moaning softly as players hustle back to the sidelines, utterly ignoring his crumpled frame upon the sidelines. And then Chris Kluwe out of nowhere runs up and punts him in the nuts.
At Packers- L, 24-21
It's a tough game but our valiant heroes simply cannot pull it off. A fearsome back-and-forth battle occurs, with both defenses doing surprisingly good jobs at withholding both offenses from totally unleashing. Adrian Peterson leads the charge, taking his first snap an instantly aiming his body towards Clay Matthews. At first everyone is surprised when Matthews is hurled to the sidelines like a ragdoll upon impact, but then recall that in fear of HGH testing, he has "changed his regiment" and subsequently lost 50 lbs of muscle.
But AD didn't. Cuz AD don't need that crap, yo.
Sharrif Floyd takes the field during one of the Packer's drives, and quietly remembers a promise he's made. As soon as the snap occurs, Floyd lifts Evan Dietrich-Smith clear off of his feet, and crushes Aaron Rodgers underneath his center's frame. Over the deafening silence of the crowd, a single noise can be heard- the soft wailing of Rodgers. Floyd nods his head and points up at the stadium, where a certain little boy tugs his father's sleeve, excitedly telling him "he did that for me!". It's an absolutely adorable scene- except for Rodgers, who also soiled himself.
As a side note, Dietrich-Smith later makes the Pro Bowl over John Sullivan. Because of course he did.
After the game, despite the narrow victory, Rodgers has not stopped crying. He misses his postgame interview, as he cannot stop rocking back and forth on a bench in the locker room. There, he clutches a picture of Greg Jennings, choking through the sobs- "I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it! You're not a who...". Later, as BFFs Jennings and Christian Ponder have some fun shooting pool and cheering their everlasting friendship, they fail to see Rodgers watching through a window in pouring rain.
Bears- W, 40-3.
The game is completely out of hand for the Windy City team, as Jay Cutler puts on his big boy pants and refuses to play. The Vikings offense runs wild over the Urlacher-less Chicago D, and the Bears offense barely manages a field goal when the Vikings D simply takes a break. Literally- they just stand there and watch idly as the Chicago offense takes the field and attempts to score before Luke McCown finally gives up on the futile effort of passing the ball to receivers who have literally no coverage.
Of note, yet another safety does come on a bizarre play- this time for the Vikings. At halftime, Cutler taunts Sharrif Floyd by holding a football as high as he can reach, mercilessly teasing the DT for being unable to get it no matter how hard he tries. Floyd stops and simply stares into Cutler's soul, causing his bowels to loosen.
While taking the subsequent crap, Cutler suddenly notices a water cup next to him shaking, ripples appearing with ever increasing booms. Cutler begins to scream, holding onto the walls... AS SHARRIF FLOYD SUDDENLY RIPS THROUGH THE FREAKING BATHROOM, ROARING LIKE THE T REX HE IS. Cutler is thrown around like a rag doll, begging for his O-line's help... but they simply watch while eating popcorn. After returning to the field, the referees confer and agree to award Floyd the 2 points.
(Yes. That joke previously existed during a Twitter conversation. So it may not be original, but it's too damn funny not to use again.)
At Ravens- W- 42-3.
The Daily Norseman suffers as heavy a loss as the retooled Ravens when their star writer, KJSegall, suffers a brief episode of "Exploding Head Syndrome" at the concept of writing about both the Ravens and the Vikings. He does thankfully make a full recovery.
Regarding the game, the reigning champs continue a season long struggle with a practically brand-new team against a Vikings squad whose rookies have really begun to shine. Rhodes, Floyd, and Patterson all have excellent games, and Ponder continues his season-long ascent to greatness. Flaaco can only watch, muttering under his breath about his "retarded teammates".
At one point during halftime, former Ravens LB Ray Lewis attempts to "do his old team a solid". When he shows up in the Vikings locker room in a white suit the entire team panics... except for Adrian Peterson, who stands in front of him and says "just try". When Lewis attempts to stab the cyborg, the knife simply turns, and then explodes into shards. Lewis then flees when Jared Allen emerges dressed as Rambo, pointing and simply saying, "Yes Mr. Lewis... the hunt is on." He grabs a crossbow and attempts to pursue, but is stopped by Leslie Frazier and reminded that he must first finish the game. And also that a "head start is only sporting". Allen then finishes the game, but refuses to remove his Rambo gear... causing Joe Flaaco to have an accident in his big-boy pants.
Eagles- W, 28-10.
[Doggie Note: GRRRRRR.]
Prior to the game, Michael Vick (who is still the starter) enters the visitor's locker room at the Metrodome. As he begins to unpack, he is startled to find a chewed up squeaky toy in his gear bag- a toy football player with its head bitten off. He scratches his head as he wonders how this got there, and fails to notice a canine-like shadow dart behind him. As the rest of the Eagles begin to enter, he soon forgets about it.
On the field, things do not go well for the visitors from Philadelphia, as Vick begins to suffer flashbacks from a certain Tuesday night game. He is comforted by the fact that Antoine Winfield no longer is lined up across from him, but becomes concerned at one point when he notices a small dog whispering into Brian Robison's ear on the sidelines. The pup looks across the field at Vick, and soon disappears. Shortly thereafter Robison rushes Vick's blind side and sacks him- but then graciously helps him up. As Vick is dusting himself off, Robison whispers to him- "they said to save you for them". Vick is left confused as Robison then turns and trots off to the sidelines.
During halftime, Vick is left further befuddled when he finds a note in his locker, with a single word crudely scribbled- "Soon". He fails to notice a paw slowly closing a door behind him.
In the second half, Vick still fails to put two and two together despite another odd occurrence- while watching Rudolph get once again escorted out of the end zone by stadium staff (due, of course, to once again insisting on utilizing an actual ice auger in his celebration), he is startled by a dog revealed to be sitting behind the Pro Bowl MVP tight end. The dog stares into Vick's very soul... then disappears as suddenly as he had come when someone walks in between.
The Eagles team never does get going, in large part due to Chip Kelly's instance that they wear bizarrely garish uniforms. The league office repeatedly calls and forces the team to return to the locker room and put their old uniforms back on, thus stifling any chance at momentum.
After the game, as Vick is leaving the stadium, he fails to notice a dog slowly rising from his back seat. He is never heard from again.
At Bengals- L, 21-20.
The heartbreakingly close loss can generally be attributed to a deep malaise that has settled over the valiant Norsemen. Apparently, during their pre-game hotel room stay, they all decide to take a tour of Cincinnati. They are unable to shake the deep feeling of depression that grips their very souls thereafter for some time, and it is best seen when Jarius Wright, after scoring a TD, simply throws his hands up in the air and screams "Why! Why G-d, why!".
Charlie Johnson is of no consolation.
Worse for the visiting Minnesotans, Chad Greenway gets lost in the city. Not only does this hurt the defense on the field when he is not found in time for the game, but the LB is forced to sit out the following week's practice due to the necessary intensity of the ensuing therapy sessions.
On the plan ride home, the team is told that in spite of their loss, they have clinched a playoff berth. The team celebrates with soft, half-hearted "hoorays". Leslie Frazier is left despondent himself, unable to guarantee the promise that they will never have to return to Cincinnati as long as they live, despite the desperate pleas of his team.
Lions- W, 17-10.
As I'm sure you've guessed, the surprisingly tight score is largely due to the majority of the team sitting out. Blair Walsh is none too happy, however, when several of the Vikings decide to join him in his sideline hot tub. He is particularly peeved by Kyle Rudolph's insistence that his ice auger be allowed in as well.
Despite their best attempts, the Lions simply cannot overcome the fact that their entire team outside of Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford are arrested, in mental health institutions, and/or injured. The duo should be given a considerable hat-tip however; pulling off 10 points and holding the Vikings second string to only 17 was a momentous feat considering- again- there were only 2 of them. The entire time.
The Lions are further bothered upon their return to Detroit, having discovered that the entire city has apparently been foreclosed on and sold to Canada for $3.25.
Sadly, the NFL does remove the bye game from the win column, preventing the Vikings from being the first team in history to go 12-5. But still, at 11-5, they march straight back to the postseason, with vengeance on their minds. What happens? Well, it wouldn't be any fun to share all of this. SKOL!
Disclaimer: none of this should be construed as gambling advice. However, should you decide to place bets based on the predictions above, your 10% dues to Kyle Segall can be sent directly to the Daily Norseman office. Also, there are many, many excellent mental health facilities in your area that you should strongly consider checking into.