So, I realize that it's weird for me to post a recap for a game that happened a week ago, but I thought we could all use a reminder of how that game made us feel before we went into game 3. Nah, I'm just kidding. It actually just took me a week to write and then it turns out there's a policy that you have to wait 24 hours after creating an account before you can post something. Otherwise, I would have posted this earlier. I'm a long time reader, but first time poster so have some mercy on me.
If I remember one thing from my high school English class - and I don’t - but if I did, it would be the Greek tragedies. Why? Well, because I need to for this post. And because, frankly, they’re quite strange. Basically, you know how they’re going to end the whole time. Talk about a spoiler! I know they’re tragedies, but it would be nice if every once in a while one ended happily. It’s really quite depressing. Regardless, they all start out with the hero riding into town on whatever Greeks used to ride into town on – probably like their slaves or a Tesla Roadster or something - and everything seems to be going real swell for them. They do whatever it is that Greeks used to do – probably like eat salads with olives and feta cheese or philosophize or whatever– and everything is still real swell. Maybe they just conquered a town. Maybe they just found a woman with a banging bod who’s actually kinda into them even though they say things like ‘banging bod’. But whatever it is, it’s good and the hero is happy. But the whole time you know something is about to go terribly, terribly wrong. Like Terry Bradshaw’s hair wrong.
Meanwhile, some evil guy who would probably be played by Anthony Hopkins in any movie adaptation, is conspiring against the hero. Why? Well, there can be a few different reasons. Maybe he’s jealous that the hero’s got a girl with a banging bod, even though he uses phrases like ‘banging bod’. Maybe he’s tired of olives and feta cheese. Or maybe - and I don’t want to call Anthony Hopkins a racist here - but maybe he just doesn’t like Greeks all that much. But whatever the reason, he decides he needs to take the hero down, and he starts planning the long con. Greek tragedies call this long con Fate, with a capital F. Usually the hero doesn’t even know it’s happening at all. One moment the hero is riding into town with his girl with the banging bod in the passenger seat of his Tesla Roadster and the next, he’s killing his dad or having sex with his mom or something, just wondering what the f*** happened.
And it seems to me that’s exactly what the Vikings-Bears game was like. One moment you’re returning the opening kick-off for a touchdown and the next, you’re having sex with your mom. Oh yeah, and your mom looks like Jay Cutler. So it’s not like she’s pretty or anything. Plus she’s got a terrible personality - she’s got the personality of… well, Jay Cutler. And at that moment when you start to think everything might, just might, work out this one time, you’re staring deep into your Jay Cutler mom’s eyes just wondering what the f*** happened and how it all went so wrong. But at the same time, you knew it was going to happen the whole time. How could it not? This is a tragedy after all. And so with that backdrop, I’d like to present my recap of the game.
Week 2 - Vikings vs. Bears
Our heroes ride into town on whatever the Vikings usually ride into town on, probably like Adrian Peterson's shoulders or his back or something, whichever is more comfortable, and everything seems to be going real swell. Frazier actually decides to let Cordarrelle Patterson touch the ball this game, and he makes the most of it right away by going 105 yards and housing the opening kickoff. Move over Ponder, we've got a new CP! On a side note, ever since Ponder celebrated a TD by skipping to the sidelines and doing his little Shooter McGavin dance, he will never again be cool enough to be called by his initials. No matter who he marries (mozel tov though, seriously). Those initials are reserved for Chris Paul dude, CP7 is not a thing. But I digress. Right about now, things are looking pretty good for us as we munch on our olives and feta cheese. But you know - you just know - that by the end of the game we'll be munching on something else. Greek tragedies used to put in all sorts of little hints like this that things were gonna go bad by the end of the book or play or whatever. The greeks called this foreshadowing (which has a lowercase f). Translated literally from Greek, foreshadowing means ‘little hint that things are gonna go bad by the end of the book or play or whatever’.
Sure enough, Hester decides that he hasn’t done enough damage to the Vikings over the years and almost houses his first return. Luckily, the Vikings’ focus on special teams during the offseason pays off and we’re able to keep Hester out of the end zone. But meanwhile, the coach formerly known as Lovie smith (and henceforth known as Anthony Hopkins) is on the sidelines plotting our demise. And Cutler mom is pretty easily able to score. So it goes.
Then there’s a few punts back and forth with nothing of note happening except for one play when Sanford realizes that he’s actually on the field playing instead of watching the game from home. With cat like quickness, he springs into action and makes a tackle. Satisfied with his performance, he sits back down on his couch for the rest of the game. And all the meanwhile, that racist Anthony Hopkins is pacing the bears sideline plotting. The bears score or whatever and that makes it 14 – 7 bears maybe. I’m not sure.
We enter the second quarter. Bill Musgrave, who still aspires to be a high school band instructor, settles into a nice little rhythm. Run-run-pass. Run-run-pass-punt. Run-run-pass. Run-run-pass-punt. Bippity boppity boop. Some stuff happens, blah blah blah. The bears get the ball back and go on the march. And then, oh my god what is happening? What is happening?? Jared Allen of ancient mullet lore forces a Cutler fumble and Brian Robison manages to return the damn thing 61 yards for the TD without tripping on his own hair, which is a feat in and of itself. Cool. Tie game I think, but whatever. That racist is still plotting. Pacing and plotting. And our heroes are unaware.
Mike Priefer honors his promise to give the special teams unit the play off if they manage to prevent a Hester return touchdown and, instead puts in the local high school badminton team. Incidentally, they too are able to keep Hester out of the end zone. Leslie and Priefer share a wink, That’s coaching! they think. Bend but not break, they think. The bears are driving, driving and… Then it happens. It happens. That moment when you start to think hey, we might make it out of this one. We might, we just might, be okay this one time. KWill, after slathering Bengay on his knees and wd-40 on his ankles during the quarter break, intercepts a batted pass in the endzone. And… I start… I start to believe. God help me, I start to believe.
That lasts all of 4 plays. Ponder pick 6. We’re down. I think. I’m back to not caring. But this is how the Greek tragedies get you – they keep pulling you back in. Because right then Ponder decides to do something amazing. He decides to play like a decent quarterback. The Greeks would call this acting by the way. But we score. Good god we score. Or that’s what I’m told. I couldn’t see it because apparently the Vikings special teams unit was running the Fox broadcast and there were some technical difficulties. Bears drive results in field goal and half time it is. Anybody know what the score is? No? Cool me neither.
Nothing much happens after the break. Blah blah. AP fumble, which I’m going to blame on Ponder.. Blah blah blah. Vikings get the ball back somehow. Blah bl- TOBY! TOBY GERHART!! BIG TOBES FOR A 5 YARD GAIN. As an aside here, Toby is my favorite Viking. And he should be yours too. I get really excited whenev-TOBY! BIG TOBES WITH AN AMAZING CATCH FOR 3 YARDS. Is there anything this guy can’t do? Okay, sorry I got distracted there for a second. Okay, we drive, almost score. Fumble wait no, no fumble. And so on. Vikings field goal. Some more stuff happens. Bears driving, Hopkins pacing. Driving, pacing. And then it happens. It happens again. I get suckered in to the Greek tragedy. I know that something is going to go wrong. I know it. But Harrison Smith picks off Jay Cutler and I start to think maybe, just maybe, things might work out. Just this once. Ponder, working for his first Oscar nomination for best supporting actor, marches the Vikings down the field and we kick a field goal. Maybe, just maybe…
Bears ball. Priefer faces a tough decision between his two squads but decides to leave the high school badminton team in on special teams, mainly because the regular special teams unit is still up in the Fox broadcast booth trying to figure things out. This turns out to be a good decision as they hold Hester to only a 42 yard return. I’m getting the hang of this, Priefer thinks. And then, 3 plays later, The Great Guion makes an amazing - a truly spectacular - play. (On a side note, the Great Guion’s history is particularly interesting. Born into a poor family, he vowed to leave his family farm and get rich. So one day, he decided to join the army – whether he joined because he quite incorrectly thought that was how one got rich those days or whether he was just pissed about being born poor and wanted to go kill poor people from other countries isn’t clear. What is clear is that sometime in his army days he fell in love with a rich girl named Daisy, and she with him. But he couldn’t marry her because he didn’t have any money because he was a private in the army and made quite literally like no money. So Guion goes off again cursing the day he joined the army because he used to own a whole freaking farm and now he has nothing, and vows to come back when he’s rich. He wanders around for a bit and then meets a dude on a sailboat. Guion warns him about an upcoming storm or something and the guy is really thankful so he decides to teach him something really useful. He teaches him how to play defensive tackle. Anyway, fast forward like 2 or 3 months and Guion is in the NFL, throwing mad parties every night trying to get his girl to notice him. She still hasn’t. And that’s pretty much where we are now.) Anyway, regardless of his history, Guion sees his opportunity and latches himself to the ball like it’s old money and pretty much just falls over, pulling the ball right out of Forte’s hands. Vikings ball. We’re so close to the end zone, I can taste it. But our offense can’t, so maybe it was just that feta cheese that I was getting. They sputter behind Peterson’s -13 yard run, which again I will chalk up to Ponder’s complete ineptitude as a quarterback. But we manage to kick the field goal successfully. And you think, Maybe… Just maybe…
But you know. You know the bears are getting the ball back. You know that Cutler was just being dubbed Mr. 4thQuarter (which incidentally set the world record for having the biggest gap between coolness of nickname and coolness of person - and Mr. 4th Quarter isn’t even that cool of a nickname). And you know that this is a Greek tragedy. So you know something bad is going to happen.
Priefer puts the special teams unit back in so they can squib it. And squib it properly. Squib it properly they do and the Bears start from their own 34 yard line. Priefer wipes a bead of sweat off his brow. My work here is done, he smiles. Just about 3 minutes left on the clock. Bears have to score a touchdown with the extra point to win. I am excited. I am nervous. I am bouncing in my seat. Cutler incomplete! Cutler short pass to Forte, that’s okay. Cutler to Marshall, shit! Cutler, Cutler, Cutler. What? Focus! Cutler incomplete! Cutler to Jefrey for 11 yards, shit! Bears timeout. Wait no, it’s a review of the completion, wait no, it’s a bears timeout. Cutler to Bennett for 23 yards to the MN 16. I am nervous. I am sweating. I am bouncing in my seat. Cutler spike to second down. Cutler incomplete, it’s 3rd down!! Cutler… touchdown to Bennett. But wait! No, extra point is good. Vikings lose.