Dearest Pieces of Crap,
I said earlier this week that I would leave the season if you lost to the Browns. Now I have to decide if I want to be like those knuckleheads who scream, "I'm moving to Canada!" after an election but don't so much as look for a realtor. Obviously, I'm not turning in my fan card. I've been through some real crap with the Twins, Vikings, North Stars and Wild. But I'll watch and root... if I'm around.
Wifey Troll, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are not Vikings fans. They want to get out and enjoy the nice weather, go to craft fairs, pick apples, watch the colors change along the bluffs of southeastern Minnesota, or just sit around and watch superhero movies all day. Prior to today, I'd tell them to have fun, because I'm a fan, and this is what fans do. We put our heart and soul into cheering for "our" team, defending against all challengers and their online morons we affectionately call "trolls." But while my fandom has allowed me to negotiate a truce with the loves of my life, I no longer feel comfortable asking for three and a half hours a week for this... "product."
Like many other seasons, you don't give two dung-berries. You have decided to put out an entire product that flat out disgusts the people who ultimately pay your salary and build your arenas. You've decided to combine the best of Steve Dils, Les Steckel, and the equivalent of a "Groundhog's Day" scenario of 41-donut defense. There are no excuses in your vast historical repertoire that will explain your complete ineptitude and apathy. Sure, I'll listen, but I won't have interest. I'm like the boss that caught you screwing up for the last time. I won't take away the shovel you're using. Keep digging. I need a place to bury the unwanted resumes of people I don't want to replace you. When you are done, just put down the shovel and lay on them. They'll make a nice mattress.
Speaking of other things I am no longer willing to do this year:
1 - I won't engage with the "I told you so" fanbase. You have earned their scorn, and you have earned their wrath. Quite frankly, the always-hating-homers and you guys deserve each other. I hope you enjoy your shared misery.
2 - I won't miss another beautiful day like this. My life is too short to offer my valuable time to you instead of my family. I'll be at the park when it's sunny, the mall when it's rainy, or basically anywhere I want to enjoy my life. If I can catch a radio signal of the game, I'll have it on in the background. But that's just because I'm an enabler.
3 - I won't defend the quarterback. At this point, I feel the need to defend myself, as my lack of hatred of Ponder must have implied consent. I'm just happy Ponder is such a nice guy, and I'm more happy his wife has a stable job to support them. You're not employable after this year, so I suggest you start treating her better than ever.
3a - I also won't respond to commenters who hate the current starting quarterback, whether it's in the comments below or in general. Nah... that's not right. If I feel like it, you'll get a simple, "I pity you." The commenters who whine and opine won't understand, but I don't care. They're like the 2013 Vikings... sound and fury signifying nothing.
4 - I won't defend coaches, and this is the last time I'm addressing them. Leslie Frazier is Tony Dungy if Tony Dungy has no ability to coach or lead. Bill Musgrave makes me yearn for Chilly, and Alan Williams should feel blessed he's got such horribly inept co-workers that none of us realize just what a waste of space he is. And Mike Priefer, you're not only a jerk, you apparently cannot do your job, either. I now realize just how much you rely on Blair Walsh being superhuman.
5 - I won't defend the cyborg, either. This is a TEAM failure. If you wear the jersey on game day, you're culpable. I thought the always-haters were silly when they said "down year" based solely on other human results. Meh, they win again. Nice fumble, by the way. Do you grease your arms when it matters? Maybe you should stop that.
6 - I ain't cleaning the mess under the bridge. I'll won't be there half the time, anyway. (See #2 above.)
7 - I hope the stadium doesn't work out for you. I see the crap-storm the Twins did when they got a new stadium. I see the crap-storm the Wild have been in their excellent digs. I see the crap-storm Gopher Hockey has been since Mariucci got "upgraded." As far as I'm concerned, you can play in The Bank forever. (Thanks for installing heating coils for Jerry's Kids, by the way.) I don't pay for tickets, anyway. In fact, I hope a completely moronic goober like Mark Dayton finds a way to embarrass you. Hey, I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Zygi. I just watched your organization make a third-string goober look like John Elway.
8 - I will never apologize for this letter.
9 - I will continue to be a fan, but more-so starting in 2014. I expect I'll have a new organization that manages to put the bevy of draft talent on the field instead of on the bench. It's a reach to hope for this, sure. But if Sharif Floyd can reach out and disrupt a throwing motion, I'll just keep the faith with these stubby little fan arms.
You don't get a nice clean list of ten. I stopped just short of a big finish. I learned from the best.
SkolTroll, DN class of 2012