Before today, I've always admired Rick Spielman, because of his deft use of the English language, and his ability to spew 20,000 words without giving away anything. That ability has spawned The Daily Norseman cottage industry we like to call Rickspeak, and we'll have plenty more of those as we get closer to free agency, the draft, and then training camp.
But now, my admiration as turned to awe. Because, apparently, the inspiration for the Leonardo DiCaprio character in Inception was Rick Spielman.
Because Rick Spielman is inside your head, stealing your thoughts, possessing your soul, and there's pretty much not a damn thing you can do about it. At least, if you're a potential NFL player that interviews with the Vikings, either on campus or at the NFL Combine.
In an interview with Tom Powers of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Spielman talks about his mind control prowess.
I won't give you the secret, but there are ways to get him off schedule and try to get him to open up."
I was able to get a hold of the Rick Spielman Super Secret NFL Combine Interrogation Code, And Stuff, and I can reveal to you, readers of the Daily Norseman, what Rick's secrets are.*
*These so aren't his secrets. But you probably already figured it out.
First off, if Rick visits you on campus. Pick a decent place to eat, fergodsakes.
"We were out on a campus visit and we went through all the football stuff, and I said, 'Well, we have to leave in the afternoon so why don't you get us a nice place for lunch?' " Spielman recalled of a particular visit. "He was going to take us to McDonald's! I said, 'We are not going to eat at McDonald's.'
Basically, Rick was saying:
Don't pick McDonalds. Rick is a man of many things, but shitty burgers that leaves your stomach feeling like a trapped rat eating into the lining is not one of those things.
There's gotta be at least be an Applebee's around campus somewhere, isn't there? Find something. Now. Quit being an idiot, because it's only going to get worse.
When someone comes in for an interview at the combine, they think they're ready. Only they're not.
I talked to a guy last year and I asked him a question and for 15 minutes straight he talked," Spielman said. "When a guy comes into our room, you can tell how rehearsed it is.
Do you know why you clowns know how Spielman smells this, much like a lion can smell fear on the Serengeti Plain? I'll tell you why, because Spielman can talk anyone into anything:
Yeah, that's right. And he probably had that chick so convinced in that Dubuque bar that he was Crash Davis, they drove down Hwy 20 to Dyersville in his Mustang rental and they probably did it right at home plate on the Field Of Dreams.
Rick Spielman and company don't fall for that player agent BS, ever.
"The hardest thing is that they are so prepped by the agents. How do you get to know who that true player is? So we've had outside experts come in and actually teach us how to interview them." Spielman has enlisted the help of psychiatrists and professional interrogators, among others, to teach him interview tactics that will result in candid or at least semi-personal information.
Well, who are these professional interrogators and psychiatrists?
Yeah, that's right. Zygi knows people, Rick utilizes their skills. FUHGEDDABOUTIT.
Rick doesn't buy the 'we just go play video games' excuse makers, either. Oh, no. He trails you, hunts you down, knows what you're doing.
"What are they doing after a game? Everybody says they go home and play video games. Well, you know that's not true," Spielman said. "But if they mention associates that they potentially hang out with, then you can do due diligence on the associates to see what kind of people they are hanging out with."
And what happens if you try to lie to Rick Spielman, and he finds out you're running with the wrong crowd?
The wrong crowd will be taken care of, bitch.
Rick Spielman, Vikings GM, holder of a black belt in verbal judo, and now...Professional Stealer Of Thoughts.