Step 1: Buy an HDTV...
I've been like most of you. I've read most of the articles. I've read Arif's analyses and paid attention to at least 14% of it. I've done the Fanspeak and first-pick mocks approximately 432 million times. Oh, and I've been the good soldier and read all of your comments on who would be the best QB for the Vikings.(1) So I am as much of an authority as anyone else on the Internet. Oh, and I have footnotes, which makes me really smart.
Based on all of this, I've come up with the following easy-to-read summaries on each player. I've ranked them according to Walter Football's ranking, not mine.(2)
BLAKE BORTLES: This guy has created a really great resume in the last couple of months. Which shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Oh, and his girlfriend won't bug him about money. She's already purchased two huge... tracts of land.
TEDDY BRIDGEWATER: I'm really, REALLY glad the Vikings took our advice and tanked in such a way that we can draft him. I'm also really, REALLY happy that NFL pundits needed to knock this guy down 7 pegs before the draft. I mean, c'mon, he bought his momma a pink Escalade because of a Pepto endorsement. (3) Not classy. At. All.
TOM SAVAGE: Who the FRAK is Tom Savage? What kind of miracle ascension is this? Who would've figured this guy would amount to much? (4)
JOHNNY FRAKKIN FOOTBALL:
DEREK CARR: It's genetic. He's Ponder2.0. He's Russell Wilson 2.0. He's the one that makes NORV! all happy in his tingly places. That USC game says it all. (6)
TOM SAVAGE: Oh, yeah! Get'cher popcorn ready, b/c when the MACHO MAN TOM SAVAGE comes careening to town, he's gonna give fans a heart attack! (7)
JIMMY GARROPOLO: No relation to Jeanine. No relation to Tony Romo. Got it.
AJ MCCARRON: Keeps the bench warm. Girlfriend would kiss Brent Musberger if it got her a free cheeseburger. (8)
ZACH METTENBERGER: Boogers, blow, bad touches, and bad backs. He can pass. So should we.
TOM SAVAGE: GAWD DANGNABBIT, Savage! Who are you? Why are you here? Stop bothering me! I'm outta Savage jokes, already.
DAVID FALES: Name Fales.
TAHJ BOYD: Gets a mention because I don't think the Vikes should spend a 1st on the reason Tahj is even on this list.
BRETT SMITH: No relation to Dan Smith, BYU. No relation to having any real NFL talent, either.
AARON MURRAY et al.: If I ever join SBNation-CFL, I'll do a mock of them.
TOM SAVAGE: Savage, you magnificent sonofabeech! Why must you taunt me like this?!? It's the Pitts! (10)
Well, that's what I know about potential quarterbacks of the future. Now, let's go draft us a linebacker!
(1) - Well, I hit "z" as fast as possible. It still counts.
(2) - You'll quickly learn this isn't necessarily totally true.
(3) - I look forward to Teddy hitting me with a high and wide Freeman ball at training camp.
(4) - You'll get this joke half way home from work and realize it wasn't that funny anyways.
(5) - You expected different from me?
(6) - There *IS* this small debate about what it says. Don't worry about it.
(7) - Too soon? Too soon. I'm totally getting a flying elbow to Hell.
(8) - Your welcome. (9)
(9) - I know, I know. I just wanted to footnote a footnote.
(10) - OK... I had one more.