ED NOTE: As many of you guys know, I used to write for the SB Nation site Off Tackle Empire, which is a blog devoted primarily to Big Ten Football. The purveyor of that site, one Mr. Graham Filler--all around good guy, even if he is a Michigan fan--likes to break things down into relationship analogies. And those analogies made everything easy to understand, made life clearer, got down to the prime number, if you will. This is a blatant rip off of Graham's idea. So thanks Graham, for the great work you guys still do on OTE...and this great idea.
As a guy, you can look at almost any situation and make some kind of relationship analogy. Why? Because as guys, we've all been in enough relationships to know what works, what doesn't, and just who's off her rocker batshit insane. Relationship analogies crystallize things to the bare bones, the basics, and at times like this, it helps you understand your feelings with regards to your team, and the quarterbacks.
Unless you're a Jets fan. Then you just want to open a vein and wait for the sweet release that only death can bring.
Anyway, let's get to it.
Christian Ponder: Ponder is like the girl you wanted to love, but it just never happened. She came into your life when you really weren't wanting or expecting a relationship, and you liked her. You never loved her, though, even though you woke up every day trying to tell yourself that you could. Sometimes, you even wanted to. She'd do things that you didn't expect, and it gave you kind of a warm spot in your heart. And at times like that you would think 'yeah, maybe', and almost talk yourself into the long term commitment. But as soon as you would talk yourself into heading to the jewelry store to start looking for a ring, the batshit crazy would come out, and you wouldn't know what you were getting from one day to the next. Sometimes, the crazy could change from hour to hour. At some point it just got to be too much,
Matt Cassel: Unfortunately, too many marriages these days end in divorce. I've had this befall far too many friends of mine, and Cassel is like the woman all my buddies who are just coming out of a divorce would date. Look, they know this girl isn't going to be the one, and the girl more than likely knows it, because she's probably just coming out of a bad marriage and she's carrying just as much baggage into this relationship as you are. You both know this is kind of a 'port in the storm' kind of thing, and there aren't really any long term expectations. You're both just trying to get back on your feet and get back into the real world, and years from now you'll hopefully look back on this and think 'yeah, she was all right. I hope she's had a good life, wherever she is.' Because she ain't gonna be with you six months from now.
Teddy Bridgewater: You've been out on your own for awhile now, and for whatever reason, your relationships just don't work out, man. It's not you, at least you don't think it is. Well, it might be you, who knows anymore. You've gotten to the point in your life where you're just ready to quit wasting money on dates, and sites like Match dot com and just get on to a site like Hey Lets Do It And Then Leave Me Alone Forever Dot Com. You save money on flowers, dinner, and you don't have to worry about deleting your browser history in case someone inadvertently gets on your computer while you're in the shower. Then one day, a buddy of yours says to you 'hey man, me and the wife are having a party on Saturday. Why don't you come on over?'
You go home, check your Just Do Me Like A Cheap Tramp And Then Leave Dot Com account, don't have any smiley faces or pokes, and think to yourself 'eh, why the hell not?' You put on some nice clothes, walk in to the party, and then...
Damn. You lay eyes on the girl who just takes your breath away, and in that instant, you know you're going to marry her. Boom. Over, done. Get the ring, send out the invitations, because Jack, you just found your dream girl. She might not know it, and at some point what you call 'love at first sight' might be interpreted by the police, the district attorney, and the great state of Minnesota as 'stalking', but whatever. What does 'the law' really mean, anyway?
Tomato tomahto, AMIRITE?
'Hey, who's that girl?', you ask your buddy. He kind of smiles a shit eating grin kind of smile, because your buddy and his wife set you up only they didn't tell you, thinking you and her might hit it off. Remarkably there's an open chair next to where she's sitting (again, it's all part of the setup, as you find out later that your buddy said in no uncertain terms that no one else was to sit in that chair), so you grab a drink, sit down next to her, and start talking.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
Brett Favre addendum: I had a few folks on Twitter ask me 'hey, what about Favre?' This was supposed to be about the QB's currently on the roster, but yeah, Favre was kind of a unique deal. So here you go:
Brett Favre: Your next door neighbor is a real boorish ass, but man, he's got kind of a hot wife. If circumstances in life were different, you wouldn't mind hooking up, to be honest. But they've got a solid marriage, and there's no way they'd ever break up.
But then one day, they did split, and it was bitter and public. She threw his shit out in the yard, he came home with a new girlfriend that he'd actually had on the side--it was bad, man. And you think to yourself 'hey, her and I might actually happen.' But before you could make a move, she bolts to New York, out of the blue, to try and find herself.
Then, one day out of the blue, there's a knock at your door...and it's her. You're pretty sure that she's knocking on your door to make her ex-husband jealous, but damn, you don't care. She moves in, and it's great for a year. Fantastic. You neighbor finds out and warns you about her and tells you 'dude, she'll break your heart, over and over. At some point, it's not worth it anymore.'
You tell yourself that your neighbor is just pissed off over their break up, but yeah...he was right. She does break your heart, and it sucks, man. It really sucks. She leaves, you want her to come back, she goes back and forth, and eventually, she does. But to get her back, you have to fly down to Biloxi and fish her out of a casino.
After that, it's just not the same, and you just kind of play out the string for awhile until she quietly leaves.