FanPost

Why Are We Not Talking About the Lack of Depth at Long Snapper?

Training camp is upon us. It's getting real, yet in one respect I feel no real sense of urgency from this web site or indeed anyone who cares about our team. Can I be the only fan/football expert rightfully in a state of near apoplexy at the Minnesota Vikings' long snapper situation? I really hope not, but lately it seems that way.

As we all know, long snapper is the second most important position in the NFL after the quarterback and a number of other positions. Not only is it practically impossible to find people who can snap a ball back and make it go real far and then have it land right where it's supposed to, the long snapper also has to be a funnyman, the kind of guy who cracks wise in the locker room and then everyone else laughs real hard and feels better about a difficult loss but also they are jealous because deep down they always wanted to be the class clown instead of the jock but stupid dad was always pushing, pushing, pushing to do sports because he was such a damned failure at everything HE tried...

Listen to me! I'm not concerned about our starter, Cullen Loeffler. Dude's terrific. Not only can he snap the hell out of the ball, per Mr. Chip Scoggins he is also quite funny. As Scoggins recently reported: "Loeffler maintains a running joke with the media, too. In a jab at his anonymous position, he sprints off the practice field most days and tells reporters, ‘Not today guys, I’m so busy.’" Now, admit it—that's pretty damn amusing. You might be thinking though, "I'm funnier than that—I have way better jokes." Maybe. But can you snap a football back super far at a crucial moment? No. You cannot. Also you are not funny. I didn't want to say that right away but it's true.

Problem is, long snapper is a dangerous ass job, and those guys drop like flies in December come October. Of course for years our backup snapper has been none other than Jared Allen. Jared Allen is good at basically everything related to football: sacking QBs, yelling, catching touchdowns, dancing in the end zone, screaming, tying his shoes, the swim move, and of course long snapping. He is also undeniably hilarious no matter how he wears his hair.

So we're good, right? Oh...maybe you forgot—Jared Allen is not on the team anymore. I have no idea what happened and I don't even care but I checked the roster list and he is NOT on it. Now what, Ms./Mr. Smart Person?

I know what you are thinking because I work for the government and/or a large data gathering company like Google or Facebook: "The solution is obvious—just make Audie Cole the backup long snapper." In theory, I am right there with you. He would be perfect. He is Audie Cole—it's freaking self-explanatory. One little problem though: when Audie Cole puts his head down and looks backward between his legs the man is legally blind and can only talk in a whisper and sometimes not at all but at most a whisper. There's a really great documentary about it called Audietory Problems. Sure, the title doesn't make a lot of sense, but the photography is stunning. In addition, a lot of Audie's humor—while terrific—was frankly stolen from the first couple of seasons of Family Ties (fun show but a great long snapper has to have an original sense of humor). Just flip through a few passages of that tome Cole's Cracks that Audie published last year through one of those linebacker vanity presses and you'll smell what I'm saying.

So the question remains—who will the Vikings tap for backup long snapper? Until we settle that it's really hard to imagine this season going anywhere. A number of options are available in the poll below, and I'm told by my roommate Blair Walsh that the winner will in fact be given the job, so choose wisely.

This FanPost was created by a registered user of The Daily Norseman, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the staff of the site. However, since this is a community, that view is no less important.