Evil vs. Good
Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome
Minneapolis, Minnesota
WARNING: If any of you have small children that might be reading this blog over the course of the game, you might want to be careful. Depending on how things go, I might be working a little "blue" today.
(Scene fades in on the Minnesota Vikings' locker room. . .most of the team is present, sitting on benches or lying on the floor.)
Pat Williams: Eight weeks of football down the drain. . .should have joined the fucking Peace Corps.
Mewelde Moore: My mother's gonna kill me.
Troy Williamson: I can't believe I threw up in front of Coach Childress.
Antoine Winfield: Face it, man. . .you threw up ON Coach Childress.
Enter Brad Johnson
Chester Taylor: Jesus Christ. . .you look grotesque. . .what happened to you!?
BJ: Oh, some of the Niners decided to get together and do a little dance on my face.
CT: Who was it?
BJ: Well, it was Walty. . .and Jeffy. . .and some of the other Niner youth.
CT: What'd you do?
BJ: I don't know. . .they're just animals, I guess.
(Brad takes a look around the room.)
Looks like I missed something.
CT: You did. Coach Childress got the Power Rankings. We're now officially out of the playoff race.
BJ: We're out of it? That makes sense. . .
(Big Pat Williams stands up.)
PW: Hey! What's all this lyin' around bullshit!?
Fred Smoot: Well, what are we supposed to do, you moron!?
Darren Sharper: Season's over, man. . .Childress dropped the big one.
PW: Over? OVER!? Nothing is over until WE DECIDE IT IS! Was it over when the. . .Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? HELL NO!!
BJ: Germans?
CT: Forget it, he's rollin'.
PW: And it ain't over now! 'Cause when the goin' gets tough. . .
(Dramatic pause.)
PW: The tough get goin'!! Who's with me!? Let's go! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
(Big Pat runs out of the room screaming. Nobody follows. . .and Big Pat comes back, visibly angry.)
PW: What the fuck happened to the Vikings I used to know? Where's the spirit!? Where's the GUTS!? This could be the greatest day of our lives. . .but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Oh, we're afraid to go with you, Big Pat, we might get in trouble."
Well, you can just kiss my ass from now on! I'm not going to take this!
Al Harris? He's a dead man!
Donald Driver? DEAD!
BRETT FAVRE!!
BJ: Dead!
(Everyone in the room looks to the quarterback.)
BJ: Big Pat is right. . .psychotic, but absolutely right. We've gotta beat these bastards.
We could fight them with conventional weapons. . .but that could take years, and cost millions in free agency.
In this case, we've got to go all out. . .I think this situation requires nothing short of a complete and total ass-kicking on somebody's part.
PW: And we're just the guys to do it.
CT: Let's do it.
PW: LET'S. . .DO IT!!!!
(The entire team jumps up, screaming, and runs out of the locker room to the field.)
PW: GO! GO! GO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Hey. . .the last time I ripped out a scene/speech from a movie, things worked out okay. Why not go for it again, on today of all days?)