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And Now for Something Completely Different

If you read this blog with any regularity, I bet you're wondering to yourself, "Y'know, I really wish these guys would address the Vikings' quarterback situation a little more. There are a lot of potential QB candidates out there; I hope that Gonzo & Co. address this in detail soon." Well, wait no more my friend! You are in luck!

If you didn't immediately recognize that the previous paragraph was dripping with sarcasm, I hope you're enjoying your first visit to our site. We've no doubt covered the tenuous Vikings quarterback situation ad nauseum since the offseason started, especially in regards to this Matt Cassel guy. At least a couple times. But a couple of names have come to the forefront in the past couple days in the comments and Fanposts that I'd like to take the time to address: Michael Vick and Jeff Garcia.

So without further ado, as Monty Python says, and now for something completely different: even more quarterback talk.

I'll get the ridiculous option out of the way first. Atlanta has already started shopping a trade for Michael Vick, even though there are those pesky little issues that he's STILL IN JAIL and he might face an NFL suspension when he gets out. Kudos to Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff for having the chutzpah to try this; it's like posting fliers up and down your block trying to sell your dog while he's still in the pound for biting your neighbor's kid. (What? Why are you groaning and looking at me like that? Still too soon for the Vick/dog jokes? Fine. You're no fun.)

For argument's sake, let's put aside the fact that Vick has more baggage than Samsonite for a second. Let's assume he comes back in the same form as when he left the league (which is incredibly unlikely; even Jenna Jameson would probably be rusty if she came back after a couple years off). With this theoretical "in his prime" Vick, why would the Vikings even think about getting him when they already have their own version?

The Vikings' version of Mr. Ron Mexico: Tarvaris Jackson. Think about it. He's a great athlete and an excellent scrambler. He's got a cannon for an arm. However, he's frustratingly inaccurate and often makes poor decisions due to below-average field vision. He even wears number 7!

Granted, Vick's athleticism was most likely a step above that of T-Jax. That OT run he made in the Metrodome still gives me chills/nightmares. But everything else about their games is eerily similar, and it seems to be the general consensus among Vikings fans that Jackson isn't exactly making us all tingly inside right now. And of course, picking up Vick would be such a media nightmare that it would make A-Rod's awkward press conference yesterday seem like Lou Gherig's farewell speech.

So Vick's out, for all sorts of reasons. Agreed? Good. The second (and in my opinion viable) option is Jeff Garcia. The cons of going after him are definitely justifiable. He's going to be 39 very soon. He was banged up at the end of last year, it wasn't the first time in his career he's been hurt, and it was a big reason the Bucs crapped the bed to finish off 2008. He's never had a top-level arm. He's married to a former Playmate of the Year, which is obviously totally unfair. I mean, c'mon, really? Those two are married?

I cannot disagree with any of those points. However, it's not like the Vikings have an incredible lineup to choose from at the moment. In fact, it's like the Vikes are drunk guys in their mid-to-late 20's looking for girls to hook up with at the bar around 1:30 AM.

Let me explain.

Most of the truly hot girls with no baggage have already gone home with their boyfriends, and there's no way you'd be able to pull any of them away. (Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, etc.)

There's the hottie that you might be able to get if you buy her about ten of those $20 martinis, but you can't really afford that. Besides, every dude in the bar is hitting on her and you don't really know that much about her to begin with. (Matt Cassel)

There's the girl that came out of nowhere back in the day to claim her spot as one of the hottest girls around, but then she got a boyfriend and just sort of disappeared. Well, now she's single again and just as hot as she used to be! Unfortunately, you're pretty sure she's going to stick with the guy she came to the bar with and she couldn't possibly be this hot for much longer. (Kurt Warner)

There's the group of cute girls who probably got in with fake IDs. They might be good hookup material in a couple years, but you know that you'd feel guilty if you brought any of them home tonight and expected them to be savvy enough to keep up with the experience you require. (Draft class QBs of 2009)

Of course there's always the old cougar that would love to go home with you. She probably shouldn't even be at this bar, and she swears she doesn't come here anymore, but lo and behold, here she is. She used to be amazing, and your buddies have plenty of stories about how awesome she was. But you know better. You've seen first-hand that she can sabotage hookups as fast as she initiates them, even when she was in her prime. One minute she's the best looking girl at the bar; the next minute she's an overtanned emotional wreck, sobbing about her biological clock while getting mascara all over your shirt and effectively killing your night. (Brett Favre)

Finally, there's the girl that you've known for a few years now. She's definitely cute, but not gorgeous either. She's older, but not a head case like the cougar. She's had some bad relationships, but she never seems worse for the wear. You won't have to buy her a ton of drinks to make her interested. And at this point in the night, she's looking more and more like the best option. (Jeff Garcia)

Although I agree that Garcia isn't ideal, I think he makes the most sense out of everyone. He's a West Coast Offense veteran. He can buy time with his legs and he's famously careful with the ball. And of course the potential of seeing this anywhere near the Metrodome is always a plus!

So my advice to the Vikings front office: take Garcia home, because it's almost closing time and it could be a lot worse. Especially after you consider the past couple girls you went home with (Tarvaris Jackson, Gus Frerotte). Yeesh.