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Gen Patton Wants the Vikings to Win

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I like Gen Patton.  My grandfather was a company commander under Patton in North Africa and a battalion commander under Patton in Sicily during WWII.  A little known fact is that Gen Patton was a big Vikings fan.  What, it's TRUE.  And I have the speech he will give to the Vikings on Sunday, right before they take the field.  Speech is after the $#@&^^! jump.  Oh, and it's PG-13, because Gen Patton was one of the five best cursers who ever lived

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won an NFC Championship by getting injured for his team. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard get injured for his team. Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about the Vikings not advancing to the Super Bowl, wanting to end their season and take a head coaching job in Buffalo, is a lot of horse dung. Vikings traditionally love playing in the Super Bowl. All real Viking fans love the thought of appearance number five. When you were kids, you all admired the Purple People Eaters, Chuck Foreman, Fran Tarkenton, and Bud Grant. Vikings fans love a winner and will not tolerate a loss!!  Vikings play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a Vikings player who lost and laughed. That’s why the Vikings have never lost and will never lose to the Saints in the playoffs. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to the Vikings.

Now, the Vikings are a football team. It blocks, runs, passes and tackles as a team. This individuality stuff is a bunch of crap...except for Brett Favre every once in awhile. The bilious bastards who wrote that stuff about individuality for ESPN don’t know anything more about real football than they do about fornicating.

We have the finest players and scheme, the best spirit and the best men in the NFL. You know, by God I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to block the bastards, we’re going to run them into the ground and score at will. We’re going to pound those lousy bastards for four quarters.

Now, some of you fans, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll chicken out during the game and lose faith. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. Nachos and Barbeque are the enemy. Wade into them!! Spill that cheesedip!! Take Tums for your belly. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's cheese quesadilla dip, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are going three and out. We’re not going three and out the whole game. Let the Fleuer do that. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy. We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're going to kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose!!

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home. And you may thank God for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you how the Minnesota Vikings did in the 2009 NFC Championship, you won’t have to say, "Well, they played like shit in Louisiana."

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys down to Miami.  

That’s all.