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Stock Market Report, Week 8

Brett, Chilly says all you can do is look at me.  If you throw it my way, we're both getting fined and then he'll challenge the catch.
Brett, Chilly says all you can do is look at me. If you throw it my way, we're both getting fined and then he'll challenge the catch.

What...the...hell.  2-5.

Two wins.  Five losses.  Eight stitches.  2 passes thrown to Moss.  One idiot of a head coach.  Zero sacks in three games---for the first time in franchise history. 

The wheels are coming off, the bandwagon is as empty as a politician's promise, and after what happened today, as your Vikings financial advisor,  I have one word:


Sell everything, convert all your cash into things that you can barter, and find a shelter to hole up in.  If this were an airplane, we'd be in a death spiral, if it were a helicopter, we'd be looking at a high gross weight, low altitude dual engine failure, and if we were the German Army in WWII, we'd be the last holdouts of the defense of Berlin.

But I do have a plan.

You, in the third row, set your hair on fire.  You, you,, roll into the fetal position and suck your thumbs. 

Everyone else, panic, because it's time.

Yeah we're free, free ballin' fallin'.  Stock Market Report, after the jump.   

Blue Chip Stocks:

There are none.  When you are 2-5, there are too many problems to think you have an area of your game that is head and shoulders as good as anyone else in football.  You could make a case for Adrian Peterson, but if he's the best running back in football, he scores on 4th and goal, so you fail.  You could argue the offensive line, but when your starting QB is carried off on a cart with a gash on his chin bigger than the Fulda Gap, you fail.  You could argue the defense, but when their glaring inability to tackle is overshadowed by an indifference to rush the QB, you fail. 

Sound Investments:

Percy Harvin, WR:  Harvin was magnificant on Sunday, but his effort wasn't enough.  Although Randy Moss hasn't been used--AT ALL--in the offense since he came back home, he has diverted attention away from Harvin, who has benefitted tremendously.  He also had a great catch for a two point conversion that got the Vikes to within three, but that went to waste when the freaking $100 million defense couldn't get a stop.

Brett Favre, QB.  Favre was having a pretty good game, right up until the point he got knocked out.  Yeah, he had a pick, but that was more a great defensive play as opposed to a bad Favre throw.  He was surprisingly mobile for a guy with two fractures in his ankle, and made some good throws.  Still, it seems that the magic is gone.  Do I have stats to back me up?  No, I don't.  All I have is my fan's intuition.  Last year, I thought that if the Vikes had the ball late and the game was on the line, Favre was going to drive them down the field and the Vikes were going to win.  I no longer feel that way.

Junk Bonds:

Asher Allen, CB.  Just make a tackle, dude.  You make that third down stop, it's fourth and five.  VIkes get the ball back, and maybe, just maybe, the sun shines on the dog's ass and the Vikings get a win.  Or, if you can't tackle, how about...and this is just a thought I about you don't get beat deep when the d-line is finally putting pressure on Tom Brady.  You know that you're not going to get something crazy like safety help up top, so if you get beat, it's over.  Even if it's by a stiff like Brandon Tate.

Madieu WIlliams, Allegedly a Safety.  Nice pick in the first half.  You broke on the pass, stepped in front of the receiver, and made a nice interception.  Textbook, just textbook play.  What?  He didn't?  But, it was right in his hands.  Jesus in a diaper, but he CRADLED the ball in his arms as he was falling to the ground, and he didn't pick it off?  Why no, no he didn't.  He decided to play 'tip drill', and Brandon Tate, who looked like a first ballot hall of famer today, caught it and got down to the Vikes 10 yard line.  Coloring book, not text book.  So if you can't cover, how about you tackle?  On the play that Allen was beat deep, Madieu WIlliams moved in to make the tackle and limit the damage, and the best way to do that, of course, is to play the mirror game.  You remember the mirror game, right?  That's where you copy everything that the person in front of you does.  Williams stutter stepped with Tate, moved laterally with him, and kept pace step for step all the way into the endzone.  Awesome job at the mirror game, sorry ass job of professional football.

Jared Allen, DE.  Allen has become a one trick pony that the rest of the NFL has figured out.  Let him speed rush upfield and take himself out of the play, and in the enormous area that he has vacated, which for some reason a linebacker hasn't covered, run your play in that area and watch it go for HUGE gains.  Or maneuver a battleship, because there's just that much space to work with, and we wouldn't want to let it go to waste like that, would we?

The Rest Of The Defensive Line:  You make more money than the entire GDP of Afghanistan, and you can't register a sack in three games?  You almost have to try to do that.  Maybe you should just donate your game checks to Whitney Houston.  She'd at least put forth a better effort to hustle some crack than you guys are at hustling after the quarterback.  And she'd be more entertaining. 

Brad Childress, Soon To Be Former Vikings Coach (if there is a God).  Okay, let's not challenge a TD pass by Green Bay last week, but let's challenge an obvious, albeit juggling, Patriots catch?  Let's not put three sure points on the board right before halftime after an impressive drive and go into the locker room with some momentum and the lead.  Instead, let's piss away the three points by going for a TD and not making it.  Wait, I have an even better idea.  Let's not get Randy Moss all.  Let's just keep him on the outside and let him run patterns directly into double coverage.  Let's not put him in motion, let's not change his positioning on the field, and most importantly, let's only target him TWICE.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


Buy nothing.  Stock up on canned goods, charcoal, lighter fluid, matches, guns, and ammunition.  If those are running low at your local militiaman survival store, just get booze.  A lot of it.  In an unrealted note, I just robbed the Leinenkugel's brewery of 6,402 cases of Sunset Wheat beer.  That should get me through Christmas.

Sell:  Third down defense.  If you can't get off the field, your offense can't get on the field.

Sell:  Randy Moss coming back if Childress is back.  So, when one of your best players, who hasn't spoken to the press in over a week, waxes poetically about how great his coach and teammates...of his former team...are, I think it's safe to say that he's dissatisfied and we've hit critical mass. 

Sell:  Percy Harvin's ankle.  He sounded like it was pretty painful after the game, and if he's limited or out against the Cardinals next week,  the chances of the Vikings being able to win that game are almost zero. 

Sell:  Randy Moss.  And not because Moss has been ineffective, but because the Vikes seemingly have no interest in incorporating him into the offense.  It's obviously come to a boil for Moss, and it should infuriate every Vikings fan as well.  At this rate, just put Sidney Rice on IR, because he's going to be nothing more than a decoy, either.  

Sell:  Brad Childress as a head coach.  From the bowing at the Favre altar, to the inability to think on the fly, to his inability to get the ball to playmakers after ownership makes a ballsy trade to jump start the club, to playcalling that borders on the criminal, to play challenging that is stupefyingly ignorant, Brad Childress is the anti-Bill Belichick.  The reason Moss was speaking so wistfully about the Patriots is because he now knows first hand that the Vikings go into every NFL chess match with a high school checkers player, and there isn't a damn thing he can do about it.

Sell:  Making the playoffs in 2010.  That sound you heard was the Super Bowl window slamming shut.  Look, I'm going to cheer like hell for the rest of the season, but 2-5 is a hurdle that probably can't be overcome.  October was going to be the make or break month, and well, the Vikes broke.  What's even more unsettling is what lies over the horizon, in 2011 and beyond.  This will be a team in transition, and based on who's getting paid in comparison to their production, it will be interesting to see who the VIkings bring back.

Today was the low point for me.  A lot of things hit home, and none of them were good.  Favre is too old to be effective, the defense is aging before our eyes and cannot impose their will on a good offense when they have to, and the head coach has no business being one.  It's a lethal combination, and one I have a hard time believing the Vikings will be able to overcome.