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Stock Market Report, Week 2

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When I wrote that piece on 0-1 and 0-2 starts, I honestly never expected the Vikings to be 0-2.  This isn't meant to be disrespectful to the Dolphins.  They're a good team, but I thought the Vikings were better.  When you add in the fact that it was the home opener and Brett Favre (which is German for 'Interception', by the way) had a week and a half to get on the same page as the receivers, it just seemed like a given that the Vikes would come away with a win.  This was as routine as routine could be, like a blimp coming in to land.  What could possibly go wrong?


Oh, the humanity.  And the Stock Market Report.  After the jump.

Blue Chip Stocks:

Adrian Peterson, RB.  One of two bright spots on the offensive side of the ball so far in this young season is Peterson.  He ran like a man possessed on Sunday, but couldn't get into the end zone when he absolutely had to.  Still, Peterson has been the only reliable, consistent weapon in the VIkings aresenal to this point.  There are issues with the concept we like to call in the blogosphere 'The Forward Pass', but Peterson has been the reason the Vikings have been in a position to win the game, at least from an offensive perspective.

Defense.  Lito Sheppard gave up the long pass to Brandon Marshall on the first play of the game, but did okay for the rest of the game, including a nice pass break up late when the defense needed to make a stop.  The front four had noticeably more pressure on Chad Henne than they did on Drew Brees last week, and they got two big turnovers when they really needed to get one.  They also stopped Miami late in the game and put the offense in position to win, giving them time and field position.  Now, if they can just throw 14 shutouts, we're going to the playoffs, baby!!

Visanthe Shiancoe, TE.  So far, Shiancoe has 10 catches for 162 yards in two games.  The top four wide receivers on the Vikings (which is akin to saying the four best Barry Manilow songs are...) have 13 catches for 129 yards.  And when Favre needed to make a throw to get a first down at the end of the game?  He looked towards Shiancoe.  Granted, the throw was five feet behind the Big Fella, but Brett's heart was in the right place, if not his accuracy.

Sound Investments:

Hi, Glenn Beck here.  You know, with the apocalypse of an 0-2 start staring you Viking fans square in the face like a rabid Pit Bull, you need to think about your future.  Did you know that Barack Obama passed a law that makes it ILLEGAL for Brett Favre to throw a touchdown pass, and is secretly appointing members of the Green Bay Packers into his administration?  DID YOU?  It's just a matter of time before the Football Apocalypse hits, and YOU NEED GOLD.  Gold never drops in value, IT ONLY GOES UP.  Get my brochure from Goldline, because when the Apocalypse hits next week after the Detroit loss, you'll need to find shelter in a storm.  And gold it is, because there isn't anyone on your team that you can look to and say hey, that guy's a sound investment right there.

Junk Bonds:

Any Running Back Not Named Adrian Peterson:  I had this crazy theory during the past off-season.  I thought...just stay with me here...that if the worst thing you lost from your offense was the backup running back, you were in good shape.  Crazy, right?  What kind of idiot thinks that?  I understood the contribution that Chester Taylor made, but I really thought that someone would step up and fill the vacuum.  I didn't even think it was a vacuum, but more of a lingering question that would be answered as training camp went on.  Yeah, not so much.  But I also have to ask, would Chester Taylor have made the difference in these two games?  I can't say for certain that he would've, but would he have more than three catches for 16 yards, like Albert Young and Toby Gerhart combined?  Yeah, I think so.  And I didn't like the trade with Detroit on draft day to give them Minnesota's first round pick for a chance to drop down and get Gerhart, although I liked the Gerhart pick, and I still do.  But the Lions used that pick to draft Jahvid Best.  Sigh...

Every Wide Receiver On The Roster:  You guys all suck right now.  You know it, we know it.  Get better.  Now.  What happened to the explosiveness from Percy Harvin?  Last year, every time he touched the ball, I thought he had a 50-50 chance to house it.  Now, he can't even get open, and his kickoff returns are average.  I also thought Bernard Berrian would be better.  And he would be better, if his hands weren't shoved up his ass as he ran his pass patterns.  And for the love of Odin, just start Greg Camarillo already.  He can't be any worse than what's out there. 

Oh, and I now fully support trading for Vincent Jackson.  Two faced? Yes.  Hypocritical?  Sure.  But screw you guys for judging me.

Brett Favre:  You suck right now.  You know it, we know it.  Get better.  Now.  Get Satan on the phone and extend that deal you made with him for one more season, stick some pins in your Ted Thompson voodoo doll, slap somebody on the ass and run away laughing, I don't care.  But you look like you just don't care and are going through the motions.  Find something to motivate you.  I don't care what it is, but find it.  Maybe Zygi will give you another $7 million if you ask really nice. 


Buy:  The offensive line play.  They gave Favre enough time and opened some very good running lanes for Adrian Peterson.  The line looks more and more like the 2008 version and not the substandard 2009 version.  Now, if we could only find the 2009 passing offense, and not the 2008 version.

Sell:  Every punt returner on the roster.  Bernard Berrian, apparently, is allergic to the football as a wide receiver and a punt returner.  Which really sucks, since he's paid handsomely to get a lot of arm tattoos hold on to the football.  Greg Camarillo had a couple of decent returns, but he also had a fumble that could have been even more disastrous than Sunday already was.  Why, exactly, was Darius Reynaud traded again?  What's that?  For no discernible reason?  Oh, okay.  Good to know.

BuyJim Kleinsasser's catch.  He didn't catch the ball so much as his hands swallowed the football.  Sauce, football safely secured, then performed an atomic elbow on Planet Earth, hooked the leg, and got the three count for the most exciting finish to a WWE match EVAH, winning the Intercontinental Belt in the process.  Other than AP's Edwin Moses impersonation, it was the play I cheered the loudest.

Sell:  The 4th and 1 stuff on the goal line by Miami.  That sucked.  Hat's off to Karlos Dansby, though.  Nice play.  Bastard.

Sell:  The two goal line interceptions by Bad Brett.  Those sucked.  One wasn't his fault, that was more on Percy Harvin and his imitation of SuckySuck the Runaway Juggling Circus Clown, although it was a crappy throw.  The other one was a WHATTHEHELLWEREYOUDOING? moment if ever there was one.  Terrible, terrible throw.

Buy:  The late fourth quarter defensive stop.  The Vikes defense needed to get off the field and give the offense enough time on the clock to drive down and win the game.  The defense lived up to their end of the bargain.  Again.  The offense sucked.  Again.

Sell:  The decision not to go for the field goal on the opening drive.  With the way the offense has been struggling, I think they needed to get the points on the board. 

Sell:  The run defense for about a quarter and a half.  For awhile it looked like the Manson Family vs. the Tate/LaBiancas (too inappropriate?).  The good guys were just getting gashed and couldn't stop the Dolphins run game.  Tony Sparano has the Wildcat perfected, and the Dolphins ran wild against a normally stout run defense.

Well, Viking fans, Sunday was a tough pill to swallow.  1-1 would've looked a lot better than 0-2, but I don't even want to contemplate what happens if the Vikes lose at home to the Lions next week and end up at 0-3.