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The Daily Norseman's Official Press Conference On The Brian Robison Incident

Scene: The phat palatial estate known as Daily Norseman headquarters. Through one of the windows, you can see MarkSP18 simultaneously watching 36 different college football games, and through another you can see Kyle mixing drinks for the post-conference shindig. (Inside jokes rule!) Outside, Chris, Ted, Eric, and Skol Girl are gathered around a podium, and after the throng gathers, Skol Girl approaches the microphone. Why Skol Girl? Well, because the rest of us aren't exactly what you'd refer to as "camera friendly," that's why. It's a fake press conference, folks, seriously.

Skol Girl: It has been pointed out through numerous calls and other communications to Daily Norseman headquarters that we have, apparently, not officially taken a stand on what happened in Sunday afternoon's game between Brian Robison and T.J. Lang. While we find the irony of a group of people that largely thought that the collapse of the Metrodome roof was one of the greatest things they had ever seen questioning our level of class to be exquisitely rich, we thought we would take a few minutes to officially announce our position on this most pressing of matters. Making this announcement for us will be our guest from South Park, Colorado, Mr. Mackey.

Mr. Mackey approaches the microphone.

Mr. Mackey: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, mmmm-kay.

Mr. Mackey adjusts his glasses slightly.

Mr. Mackey: People shouldn't kick people in the nuts. Kicking people in the nuts is bad, mmmm-kay? And we here at The Daily Norseman do not in any way condone Brian Robison kicking T.J. Lang in the nuts, whether it was accidental or not, mmmm-kay? So, uhh, Brian Robison, if you're out there. . .you shouldn't have kicked T.J. Lang in the nuts. Because kicking people in the nuts is bad, mmmm-kay?

The gathered throng murmurs slightly over this earth-shattering revelation.

Mr. Mackey: Mmmm-kay, we have time for one question here. Is there anyone out there that would like to volunteer, mmmm-kay?

A random reporter raises their hand.

Mr. Mackey: Alright, we'll go with the guy in the back there, mmmm-kay?

Random Reporter: Does the staff at The Daily Norseman feel that Brian Robison should be suspended for what he did on Sunday afternoon?

Mr. Mackey: Uhhhh, yes, yes we do, mmmm-kay? We feel that Brian Robison should get exactly the same suspension that Charles Woodson received for punching an opposing player right in front of the officials in the season opener this year, mmmm-kay? Because, according to the NFL rulebook, punching an opponent is grounds for an automatic ejection, and we feel that's only fair, mmmm-kay?

Random Reporter: But. . .Charles Woodson didn't get suspended for punching an opposing player right in front of the officials in the season opener.

Mr. Mackey: Ummmmm. . .he didn't?

Randon Reporter: No. He didn't even get ejected.

Mr. Mackey looks back, and Chris, Ted, Eric, and Skol Girl all collectively shrug their shoulders.

Mr. Mackey: Well, then, I suppose that answers that, mmmm-kay?

The assembled throng murmurs some more.

Mr. Mackey: Well, that's all for today everyone, mmmm-kay? If you'd like, you're all welcome to stay for drinks and appetizers and stuff like that, mmmm-kay?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. . .scene.