Week 5 Preview: The Special Vikings Roast Edition!

DATELINE MINNEAPOLIS: In lieu of the dismal start to the 2011 season, the Vikings have set up a hotline for fans to call. They can speak to someone in the front office about the recent lack of success and address any other concerns they have about the team. For those wanting to call, the phone number is 1-800-810-1010.

Again, that number is 1-800-U-won-nothing-won-nothing-won-nothing.

Ba-zing! And with that, we're underway with our first (and probably last) Roast of the Minnesota Vikings! Instead of breaking down the not-so-marquee matchup of the 0-4 Vikings and the 1-3 Cardinals like I usually do this time of the week, we're going to have a little fun and roast the ones we love. I put out the call earlier in the week for your best Vikings-related jokes, and you did not disappoint. Credit for the opening joke goes to my friend Chad, who's a big Bears fan. I kind of hate him right now, but not as much as my buddies that are Packers fans. Speaking of which, here's one from my friend Newland:

What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring? A THIEF!

While my friends that are fans of other teams jumped on the opportunity to kick the Vikings while they're down, nobody can make fun of the Vikings like their own fans. Here are the best jokes that Daily Norseman readers had to offer:

We'll start with with getting some of the most common jokes out of the way. There were about ten varieties each of "Why do the Vikings wear purple? Because that's the color you turn when you choke", "I tried to get change for a dollar from Leslie Frazier but all he had was two quarters", and "How are the Vikings like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road". There were also a ton of people that said something along the lines of "The Vikings are already a joke. The end." While those jokes are fine, they aren't exactly fresh material. Here's some that were a little fresher, at least to me:

• COMMENT: "My gosh, I get more excitement out of watching a monkey poo fight at the zoo."
  
  REPLY: "Yeah, but the monkey fight has more completed passes." --PurpleEaters (taken from last week's game thread)
• McNabb is out this week with a Turf Throw injury. --Bobcat m
• Know why Donovan McNabb doesn't have any kids? Because he keeps aiming for her feet. --Chris3
• Do you know why North Dakota doesn't have a football team? Because then Minnesota would want one. --B Rad
• What does a Minnesota Vikings fan do when the Vikings win the Super Bowl? He puts down the Xbox controller. --christian220896
• What's the safest place in Minneapolis to be during a tornado? The Metrodome, because there are never any touchdowns there. --my friend Chad, again.
  
• How do the Vikings count to ten? 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10. --abba7
• One morning in elementary school, the students were in geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are. The teacher asked the class, "Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?"
  
  Francis raised his hand and said, "Yeah, Pennsylvania."
  
  The teacher replied, "Very good, Francis, now can anyone tell me were Detroit is?"
  
  Rachel raised her hand and said, "That's in Michigan."
  
  The teacher said, "Very good, Rachel." The teacher then asked, "Where is Minnesota?"
  
  Ross raised his hand and says, "Ooh, ooh, pick me, I know!"
  
  The teacher said, "OK, Ross where is Minnesota?"
  
  "Last place." --abba7
• Would the mother of eleven children please come pick them up from the Metrodome? They're beating the Vikings 35-0. The four year old has picked off McNabb twice. --B Rad
• What do the Vikings and an M. Night Shyamalan movie have in common? You waste hours watching them and they end terribly. --monsoon_season
• Bernard Berrian creates about as much separation from the secondary as a Sconnie does from his alcohol. --igjoe
• McNabb always puts the ball right between the numbers. Unfortunately, those numbers are painted on the field. --A shot at greatness, probable failure
• The doctors finally figured out what was causing Harvin's migraines. It was from beating his head against the wall because he was playing for the Vikings. --A shot at greatness, probable failure
• Phil Loadholt was double parked, but he didnt get a ticket. It turns out he can't block traffic either. --A shot at greatness, probable failure
• They should call him Toby Gerhart "is in the right place, but give the ball to AP on 4th down". --igjoe
• A Vikings fan goes to the doctor with abdominal pain.
  
  He says, "Doc, every time I have a few beers and watch the Vikings this year I get sharp pains in my gut."
  
  The doctor responds, "You might have a serious problem; you'll have to have a barium enema to find out what's wrong."
  
  The fan says "A Berrian Enema! That's exactly what I need to feel better. Flush that turd off the team!"
  
  The doctor says "no a BARIUM enema," and proceeds to explain the procedure.
  
  The fan thinks for a while and says, "Oh, I guess watching the Vikings lose isn't so bad." --CanadianViking
• Donovan McNugget throws another pass behind Jim Kleinsasser. The Sauce is understandably sour. --CanadianViking
• The plane carrying the 2011 Minnesota Vikings on a cross-country flight for a road game crashed, killing everyone aboard. Adrian Peterson was first to arrive at the Pearly Gates, where he was met by St. Peter, who asked him "Why do you think you should be allowed into football heaven?".
  
  Adrian thought for a while, and then said "I have never won a championship or a Super Bowl, but every game I played I tried my hardest and fought to the end."
  
  St. Peter said, "That is a good answer, you may come in."
  
  Percy Harvin was next to arrive at the Pearly Gates, and was asked the same question. He thought for a bit, and then said "I joined a team that took a chance on me, so I knuckled down, worked hard, figured out a way to manage my migraines and gave everything I had on the field."
  
  St. Peter said, "That is a good answer my son, you may come in."
  
  Donovan Mcnabb was next to arrive, and was also asked the same question. He thought for a bit, and then said "I led the Philadelphia Eagles to Super Bowl XXXIX."
  
  "That's true," said St. Peter, "but you lost that game and you also had four other chances to get to the Super Bowl, so I'm afraid that's not enough."
  
  Donovan thought for a bit longer, and then said, "When I was with the Washington Redskins, I played so badly I made Rex Grossman look good."
  
  "That is also true," said St. Peter, "but I'm afraid that Brian Griese has already claimed that answer for himself."
  
  Donovan was now desperate, and finally after thinking for a long time, said "After I left Washington, I went to play for the Minnesota Vikings. They have endured decades of pain and suffering, losing four times in the Super Bowl, and also losing four times in the NFC Championship. They missed a Super Bowl in a 15-1 season, and have been persecuted by terrible refereeing throughout their history. I went to that team to ease the suffering of their fans."
  
  "And how did you do that, my son?" asked St. Peter. "Did you lead them to victory in the Super Bowl?"
  
  "Hell no!" said Donovan. "I just made them forget how miserable they were in 2010." --Beserker
• What do Bernard Berrian and a pubescent teenager have in common? They're both likely to drop balls at any time. --PURPpplEATER
• What do a Vaccuum cleaner and Donovan McNabb have in common? They both can't throw a football. --PURPpplEATER (just the kind of dumb humor I love.)

That was fun! Give yourselves a standing ovation--it's probably the only ovation that will be associated with the Vikings this year! HEY OH!

But this is still technically a preview article, so I suppose I should pick a winner. You know what? I'll stick with the joke theme here. There's no way I should be picking the Vikings to win, especially since Antoine Winfield has been ruled out. But it's not like we're playing a juggernaut here. The Cards have Larry Fitzgerald, Beanie Wells, and...a bunch of guys that shouldn't scare you. (I'm not saying we're going to shut down the likes of Early Doucet and Todd Heap, but they aren't exactly elite.) Their defense is spotty at best. And like I said to Revenge Of The Birds yesterday, if we head into back-to-back games against Chicago and Green Bay as a winless team, I'm going to have to start hiding the sharp objects around my house.

And that's no joke.

Prediction: Vikings 23, Cardinals 20

And for the rest of my Week 5 NFL picks (home teams in ALL CAPS):

Eagles over BILLS: Philly is just dog tired of losing. The media is really barking about all these losses. I think the Eagles finally release the hounds and shock the Bills at home.

JAGUARS over Bengals: Only because "The Bengals are over .500 five weeks into the season" could only be a joke.

STEELERS over Titans: I know Pittsburgh's offensive line has receded worse than Matt Hasselbeck's hairline lately, but this game means infinitely more important to the Steelers.

Chiefs over COLTS: I'm not picking the Colts to win until Curtis Painter quits surfing and smoking pot on game days. Wait, what? You mean he just looks like an extra from "Point Break"? No way, brah. Gnarrrly.

TEXANS over Raiders: No jokes here--just make sure to start every fantasy player you have on either team. Hell, Andre Johnson isn't even playing and he might end up with eight points somehow.

Saints over PANTHERS: What do you call a coach that starts a rookie quarterback instead of bringing in a washed-up veteran? Not Leslie Frazier, that's for sure!

GIANTS over Seahawks: My Survival Pool pick of the week, along with about 75% of the rest of the world. I'm still alive after picking the Packers in Week 4. How do you know when your season is in shambles? When Tarvaris Jackson has won more games than your team.

Buccaneers over 49ERS: The Niners will probably rest their starters since their surprising 3-1 start has already clinched the NFC West.

Chargers over BRONCOS: San Diego victories: 3. Total victories of the three teams they've beaten: 1, and that's only because KC and Minnesota played each other last week. Ohio State just called the NFL offices to ask how they could get a cream-puff schedule like the Chargers to start their season.

PATRIOTS over Jets: New England will probably stomp New York this week. Mark Sanchez has stunk worse than Rex Ryan's feet the past couple weeks. Wes Welker is just too light on his toes, even for the Jets' secondary. Tom Brady will have the Jets on their heels all day.

FALCONS over Packers: Um...revenge game? OK, you got me, this pick is pure wishful thinking.

LIONS over Bears: Here's a good Detroit-related joke: Did you hear the one about Delmon Young hitting three homers for the Tigers as they beat the Yankees in the ALDS? That one's hilarious. The guy that hit only four home runs in 305 at bats with the Twins this year hitting three bombs in just five games for our division rival? That one gets me every time.

Last week: 12-4
Season so far: 38-26