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Where Ted Translates The Letter The Vikings Sent To Governor Dayton

Hi kids, how was everything while I was gone? I spent the last week visiting daughter the middle in Guam, and since it was the Vikes bye week, I really didn't pay much attention to what was going on. I did see that owner Zygi Wilf sent a letter to Governor Dayton regarding the current state of the stadium bill, and I thought I'd translate what it really means.**

Because if Wilf penned a letter as to what he really thought, he'd never get a stadium. At least in Minnesota.

So that's why you have me--to translate and read between the lines. So, after the jump, let's see what Wilf REALLY meant.

**No idea if I'm even in the ballpark as to what he really means, other than what's in the letter. Original letter is quoted and in italics, my, uh, interpretation immediately follows.

Dear Governor Dayton:

Thank you for your continued leadership in the discussions to build a new publicly-owned, multi-purpose stadium in Minnesota.


Thanks for finally getting off your ass and realizing I'm gonna say 'deuces' if there's no new bitchin', world class facility in the next few years.

The Vikings are encouraged by the fact that you and all four caucus leaders are having serious conversations about resolving this issue and that State leaders recognize the urgency for reaching a resolution. As we have seen in our seven seasons as owners, the strategy of avoiding this issue does not work.

Somebody needs to put a boot up the ass of Kurt Zellers. Today, if possible.

Further delays not only increase the overall costs to both the State and the Vikings, but also make the project much more difficult to resolve and prevent thousands of construction workers from getting back on the job.

We could have 8,000 construction workers on the payroll tomorrow, but Kurt Zellers is a tool. A big, fat, Tim The Tool Time Taylor tool. And he's really made you his bitch in this whole process up until this point. Let's get this thing passed and stick it up his ass, sideways.

While we are disappointed with the decision to eliminate the local sales tax option after being told for many years to pursue a local partner and funding source, we believe the most positive news is that State leaders are now focused on viable revenue streams that are sufficient to fund the project.

Hey, thanks for screwing us and not fighting for the Ramsey County sales tax sans referendum, and we think the chances of you getting the Indian tribes to horn in on their casino goldmine has about as much of a shot as the Gophers going to the Rose Bowl, but thanks for sitting around and shooting the breeze about it.

The Vikings are open to how State leaders choose to finance the public portion of the equation, and we look forward to working with you on a comprehensive stadium finance plan.

We had a plan, and you let Kurt Zellers and Amy Koch kill it. Ball's in your court, Cubby.

We continue to believe Arden Hills is the ideal stadium site for the State and the team. It is also the site that is preferred by our fans, as it will provide the game day experience and a Vikings destination that makes this location superior. The Vikings have spent more than a year working with Ramsey County on the analysis of this site and we are confident that it will serve the State and our fans extremely well.

Oh, and don't even think about bending us over a table and forcing us into Minneapolis. Every Minneapolis plan is about as functionally sound as bleach as a main cooking ingredient. You told us to find a site, find a partner, and find 2/3 of the financing plan. We did. There's no reason not to use it, and whatever excuse detractors have come up with has been proven bogus. So shut up and get on board the Ramsey County train, or we're pulling out of the station.

As you know, the Metropolitan Council study completed in October found no new concerns that should prohibit the project at this site from moving forward. In fact, Ramsey County now plans to vote next week to approve a Purchase Offer negotiated with the Army that will provide for a fixed cost and timeline to acquire and remediate the land in accordance with the 2015 project schedule and budget.

Ramsey County thinks the plan is good to go, we think the plan is good to go, hell even the Army thinks the plan is good to go.

Furthermore, the Vikings private investment of more than $400 million is specific to the Arden Hills location because of the opportunities that exist with that site. Any other location would not justify anywhere near the level of commitment we have made in Arden Hills.

Like I said, don't screw me over and think I'll go to Minneapolis, because if you do, you can take my $400 million that I have earmarked towards a new stadium and shit in one hand while thinking in the other. Guess what will fill up first?

By building at this site, the State can leverage the maximum amount of private dollars toward this publicly-owned project, clean up the largest Superfund site in Minnesota, and improve roads in the region that need attention and will benefit the entire State. For your benefit, we have attached the most up-to-date images of the potential of a new multi-purpose facility in Arden Hills.

Look, I'll get great stadium, the Vikes stay in Minnesota, fans who invented tailgating will get to do it again, you'll get a Superfund site cleaned up, and we'll get to give one last finger to Minneapolis. I've enclosed a picture of the butthurt Minneapolis cabal. I've airbrushed you out of it. Kurt Zellers and R.T. Rybak look funny, though, don't they?

The Vikings stand ready to work with you and State leaders during a special legislative session this fall or winter. By doing so, we can put thousands of people back to work now and prevent further cost delays. We look forward to reviewing the State's proposed financing package and to reaching a solution that fits Minnesota and works for the State and the Vikings.

We've been farting around with this thing for 10 years, so let's get this over by Christmas. We'll put people to work, you'll look like a hero, and the Vikes will be here long after gasbags like Ted Glover are dead and buried. Good luck with the Indians and the casino option, though. You'll need it.