SCENE: The locker room, halftime of any game the Vikings have played this season. As they head in from the tunnel the team is pretty hyped up--they're probably ahead or tied, and there's no reason to think that a second half collapse is upon them, for they have Leslie Frazier, Motivational Strategic Genius on their side.
WOOOOOO! WE ARE KICKING ASS!! I am on my way to 275 yards and 4 TD's. FEED ME THE BALL!
It looks more and more like I'M GONNA BE AWESOME.
Sorry rook, but I can't hear you over the sound of HOW AWESOME I ALREADY AM! WOOOOO!
Uh, yeah, and I've only given up three sacks!
So coach, we're pretty sure that the team we're currently beating will make adjustments to our First Half Of Awesomeness. What shall we do to counter and bury them?
Looks around
(looking up from cell phones): Hey quiet down, we're locked in a pretty intense game of Words With Friends.
Ding
B-O-R-I-N-G-O-F-F-E-N-S-E...3 points! I think that's a record, boys.
No, I gave up 48 last week with T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E-S-C-H-E-M-E
Yes, yes I believe you did, Fred. That was good!
...
I MUST GET IN ON THIS CONTEST OF SKILL YOU ARE COMPETING IN. LESLIE FRAZIER IS THE BEST HIRE EVER!
God damn it, here we go again. I'm killing everyone.
FRAZIER! For God sakes, say something, DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING! TELL THEM HOW THEY'RE GOING TO RIP THE HEAD OFF OF THE OPPOSING QUARTERBACK AND USE IT FOR A SOCCER BALL!!
I don't like soccer. It's a boring game.
THEN YOU SHOULD LOVE IT! BECAUSE YOUR HALFTIME SPEECHES ARE AS MOTIVATING AS A TAX AUDIT!
But I'm an honest and decent man. I pay my taxes, why would I need to be audited?
Well, with all the changes in the tax code, you need a good accountant. And with the way this team is playing, people might think we're stealing our paychecks, so finding good shelt--
SHUT...THE..HOLY...JESUS...UP...ANDMAKEADJUSTMENTSRIGHTNOW!!!!!
Oh, yeah. Right.
...
...
Good William, what would you like to do?
W-E-B-B-C-A-T... -2 POINTS?
Nice!
It should be more...I don't understand how it could be a negative number.
Because the Webbcat sucks even in Words With Friends, genius.
Then how about we quit running Adrian Peterson? We don't want him to get tired for next week.
That's a good idea.
...
Does that mean you'll actually use me?
Of course not. We'll go take a knee, take a knee, throw it out of bounds, punt.
So I'm starting the second half?
Oh, God no. We need to get Christian some experience in second half collapses. You're an expert in it already, Donovan. Go in to the bathroom and vomit or something.
...
...
Well, maybe I could commit a few more false start penalties, and give up a sack here an there, to mix it up.
Splendid! I-N-E-F-F-E-C-T-I-V-E....5 YARD PENALTY!
That sounds good, William. Solid plan. D-I-S-I-N-T-E-R-E-S-T-E-D...0 POINTS! Fred, what do you want to do?
Well, I felt sorry for the opposing quarterback. Jared Allen has 11 sacks in the first half, and we really mixed up our defense well. What I'd like to do is drop the linebackers 64 yards off of the line of scrimmage and leave an area larger than the Great Plains available to our opponent to exploit us at will.
...
That's an interesting plan. I like it. What about the defensive backs?
They'll play 84 yards back from the receivers, and allow them to catch passes at will. And then we'll miss tackles. And I will put Asher Allen on their top receiver, one on one, because I have their quarterback on my fantasy team, and...looks down at phone, opens FF team app...I really need the points.
Marvelous, marvelous.
Greenway, where are you?
Right here
Looks around
Looks around some more
Coach, I'M RIGHT HERE!
It looks like he's still invisible. Keep it up Chad.
Okay, coach.
yawns
stretches
MY LOINS ARE STIRRING FOR THIS PLAN. MOST ASSUREDLY THIS WILL LEAD US TO VICTORY AND A NEW STADIUM.
R-E-C-I-P-E-F-O-R-D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R, 0 POINTS! Annnnnnd that's a winner! Now let's go get 'em.
We're gooned...
God damn it...