Where We Translate An Official Statement From The Vikings. Oh, and Kurt Zellers Is A Tool

NOTE: Everything down to 'BREAKING NEWS' was written before I found out that Zellers came out against a special session. I just wanted you guys to know that the Vikings were actually pretty hopeful that something could get done, even with having to come up with an alternate revenue source.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if the Minnesota Vikings leave Minnesota, I will blame it 100% on Minnesota Speaker of the House Kurt Zellers. Go go ahead and read, and know that there was real hope, and a good shot at getting a plan together, before Zellers pulled the rug out from the Governor and the Minnesota Vikings--Ted

ANOTHER NOTE: This is the number to Speaker of the House Kurt Zellers: 651-296-5502

SIX FIVE ONE, TWO NINE SIX, FIVE FIVE ZERO TWO.

And I started the #OccupyZellersPhone on Twitter. Make it trend on every social media outlet, let our voices be heard, and let's persuade Speaker Zellers to reconsider.

--Still Ted

Yesterday I went on a bit of a rant about the current state of the stadium bill, and after a bit of reflection, and talking to a Vikings official, I have come to a new conclusion:

All is not lost.

I'm not trying to whitewash what happened as insignificant, because it is, but it's also not the end of the world.

I was pretty steamed when I called Winter Park, but the official I spoke with was actually a lot more level headed about the situation than I was.

There are two takeaways on this that I think you guys should be aware of:

1) The Vikings are committed to Arden Hills, and there's not any pressure to look at Minneapolis as a compromise solution at this point, and the Vikings aren't worried about that as a possibility at this time. Part of me is crushed that my well thought out, nefarious plan of deception and subterfuge isn't coming to fruition, but I'm mostly happy that the Arden Hills plan is still alive. But someday, my wild ass conspiracy theories will be proven true, and I will be VINDICATED...VINDICATED I SAY.

2) With the announcement by Minnesota Speaker of the House Kurt Zellers that a stadium bill with a referendum waiver would not pass, a couple things happened. Most importantly, a $300 million gap in funding opened up, but that money was actually never there, when you think about it. If there was no support for a waiver on the referendum in the House or Senate, the stadium bill as currently constructed would fail. Failing to pass the stadium bill would be the death knell of the Vikings in Minnesota, so abandoning the sales tax is the smart play.

In fact, at this point, it's the only play.

So why are the Vikings still hopeful that something can get done? Well, because it's finally hit the political leadership in St. Paul that they need to get something done, and the Vikings are encouraged that there are several options being discussed to come up with a way to get this thing a financial plan that will ultimately pass the House and Senate so the governor can sign it. Heck, Governor Dayton said as much right here.

In other words, it's time to poop or get off the porcelain.

There's a lot of work that needs to get done, and there's not a lot of time to get it done in, but I'm encouraged that Arden Hills is still the only plan anyone is really talking about, and that people are trying to figure out a way to pay for it.

BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

Everything I wrote above the Breaking News is now rendered pretty much meaningless. That was written before we found out that Kurt Zellers pissed on a special session, and Governor Dayton decided to cancel his Friday meeting with Wilf and will NOT present his stadium plan now. I talked to the Vikings, and things seemed good. I had to wait on writing the story because I had to take my Dad to the dentist.

While my Dad was getting his teeth drilled, the Vikings got kicked in the teeth by Kurt Zellers.

No special session is what we call a game changer, kids. So in response to the Zellers saying he won't support a special session, the Vikes released a statement.

I will translate. Official statement in block quotes.

Eden Prairie, MN (November 2, 2011) – The Vikings are concerned about the turn of events surrounding a stadium solution in Minnesota. While we have been encouraged by the efforts of Governor Dayton and the four caucus leaders to seriously discuss this issue, these recent developments are very disappointing. The Vikings stadium issue has been heavily debated in the public for over 10 years. With less than 90 days left on the team’s lease, the urgency to act is on us.

The Vikings continue to stand ready to work with State leaders on a stadium solution that works for Minnesota and the team.

This is what it means:**

The Vikings are concerned about the turn of events surrounding a stadium solution in Minnesota.

Translation: Jesus in a Prius boys, we're T-90 days and counting on the lease expiring, and you pull the rug out from under us on the Ramsey County sales tax and now a special session to get this thing done. We've been to two Worlds Fairs and we've seen goats fornicate, but we have never seen anything this screwed up in our lives. And we say this knowing that we allowed Spergeon Wynn to be our starting quarterback.

While we have been encouraged by the efforts of Governor Dayton and the four caucus leaders to seriously discuss this issue, these recent developments are very disappointing.

Translation: Hey, thanks for pulling your heads out from your asses in time to look at the calender and realize we're gonna say 'Deuces, Bitches' in about three months. If you don't want to play, we'll line up cities like horny sailors at a whorehouse, only we won't be the ones getting screwed, it'll be the fans of the Minnesota Vikings.

The Vikings stadium issue has been heavily debated in the public for over 10 years.

You guys have been kicking this can down the road longer than the freakin' Space Race. I mean seriously, In the amount of time it's taken you pudknockers in the State Capitol to NOT get a new stadium for us and the fans, 12 new countries have come in to existence, ALL of the Harry Potter movies have come out, the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy has been released, and at her current rate, Kim Kardashian would have been married and divorced 52 times, which is three less than Elizabeth Taylor. Enough is enough! Get something done!

With less than 90 days left on the team’s lease, the urgency to act is on us.

If you'll excuse me, I have a sudden need for some me time

And when we mean 'urgency to act', we mean urgent in the sense of 'I just saw naked pics of Christina Hendricks and I urgently need to go to the bathroom and get some me time--RIGHT NOW'--urgent.

If you know what I mean.

The Vikings continue to stand ready to work with State leaders on a stadium solution that works for Minnesota and the team.

Honestly, throw us a frickin' bone here. We're up for any ideas at this point. Minneapolis, St. Paul, Duluth, Rochester, Bemidji, we don't care. Indoor, outdoor, on a floating replica of the Edmund Fitzgerald, really, we don't care. We're obviously partial to Arden Hills, but at this point let's just start throwing some shit on the wall and we'll see what sticks, okay?

So, put your seat belts on and strap in. It's going to be a wild 90 days or so, with more twists and turns than Lindsay Lohan's arrest record.

**Might not be what it really means.

Now, more about Zellers. Kurt Zellers really threw a wrench into things by saying he won't support a special session of the Legislature. The Governor is the only one who can call a special session, and doesn't need the approval of the Speaker, but it is the Legislature that sets the length and agenda once a special session is called, so unless Zellers is on board, calling a special session is pointless. The Vikings also had an official statement regarding that announcement by Zellers, and I have a translation.

The strategy of avoiding the stadium issue in Minnesota has not worked. The cost continues to increase and the project becomes more difficult, especially with the lease set to expire in less than 90 days.

Translation: Kurt Zellers is German for Dumb Dick, and will make Norm Green look like a compassionate human being when this is all said and done. No really, that's what it means.