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The Stock Market Has Crashed

Leslie Frazier farts and hopes no one hears it.
Leslie Frazier farts and hopes no one hears it.

Dear Viking Investments Member--

Here at Viking Investments, we're committed to bringing you the best return on your investment possible. We know that in trying economic times, you've had the most up to date investment material available to you with the click of a mouse or an email address away.

We hope you understand that with market fluctuations the way they are, your next statement might show what we like to call in the business a 'market correction', or 'temporary setback', or if you want to use modern, 21st century terminology, yesterday the market experienced what we call a 'Hiroshima' event.

If you're waking up, checking your Viking Investment portfolio, and you see a big, fat goosegg (if you can even access your account), we'd ask that you not panic, as we see this as a wonderful opportunity to invest in a myriad of penny stocks...because we know that's all that you have left to invest. Pennies, broke, seewhatididthere?

So follow us after the jump to determine what penny stocks you might look to invest in, so you can build up your nestegg and retire at the sprite age of 86, with days, if not months of life ahead of you.

Jared Allen Sack Record: This is a stock that stalled, but is still worth watching. This was money in the bank two weeks ago, but that bank, unfortunately, was in Latvia. Allen still has a shot, but he'll need two big games to get the record.

Adrian Peterson Ankle Bracelets, LLC: This is an intriguing opportunity for the savvy investor. This carries a lot of risk, especially for fantasy football players, as there have been more stops than starts, and this company struggled to get off the ground yesterday. But what the hell, we're already throwing bad money after bad, so go for it.

Christian Ponder's Sports Psychologist: This is money, yo. Christian Ponder has gone from a confident, cheery young man full of hope and promise to a broken down, 37 year old journeyman in about what, 8 games? In all seriousness, jumping off the Ponder bandwagon is a bit ridiculous with less than one season under his belt, but two more shitstorms from him like we saw yesterday, and the Vikings will be under A LOT of pressure to take Andrew Luck if they end up with the #1 pick...or Matt Brkley with the second or third pick. Ponder is really starting to regress, and although I am not in favor of dumping him after one season, the hue and cry for the Vikings to do just that will be fierce.

The McKinley Group, Minneapolis, MN. The McKinley Group website says that they are the #1 executive search firm in Minnesota. And good for them, because they'll need to marshall all of their talents to get the current Vikings defensive staff jobs come January.

Fed Ex Office of Eden Prairie: Just about every defensive coach on the Minnesota Vikings staff will be polishing up their resume and will need to make a lot of copies once they all get fired. Before they head to McKinley Group, they'll head to Kinko's to get copies made. Much like there is no defense in Minnesota, there is no Eric Gustafson!

Grain Belt Brewery, New Ulm, MN: I've been told that if you drink enough Grain Belt you'll go blind. If that's true, there are a lot of blind people in Minnesota today. I am fully getting vision back in one eye, and the doctor assures me that the vision impairment in the other eye is probably temporary.

Cabela's, East Grand Forks, MN: That's where a lot of Vikings fans up in northern Minnesota will be spending their time the last two weeks of the season as opposed to sitting in front of the TV watching their team get disemboweled. They've got some great deals on dare devil spinners and some walleye crankbaits. No, I don't icefish.

We also have a word of encouragement from our founder, Don Glover, Resident Viking Investment Sage:

"Son, the Vikings just redefined what the term shitty football is. Is it even fun to write about this crap?"

--Yes they did, and no it isn't Dad. No it isn't.

We hope that these hot tips will help you weather the storm that is Viking Investments for the remainder of 2011. We are confident that by following these leads, you will be able to recoup almost a full 1% of your investment and get you back on the road to football success.


Ted Glover, Les Steckel, Rich Kotite, and Bernie Madoff

PS--Merry Christmas!