Scott Studwell, Original American Badass, Vikings Ring of Honor Member, and Former Uber Linebacker for the purple and gold, is holding a meeting in his office regarding the upcoming draft. Owner Zygi WIlf, head coach Leslie Frazier, VP Rick Spielman, and LB coach Mike Singletary are in attendance.
Here’s the deal. We don’t have a lot of money this year, and we’ve only got enough cash to hire one scout. Mr. Wilf feels we need a guy that can give us quick, snap judgements, and cut right to the chase.
Thanks, Mike. Welcome aboard, by the way. Oh, I was a better linebacker, you just played on the ’85 Bears and got more press.
Guys, guys, knock it off. Take it to a girl scout meeting and stare them out of some cookies later. We have some serious decisions to make regarding the future of our franchise. Scott, what do you mean when you say we can only hire one scout?
Zygi, if you interrupt me again, I will shove your Triangle of Authority so far up your New Jersey ass that Snooki, The Situation, and the Apple Valley Volunteer fire department will need three weeks to find it. DO NOT make me stare at you.
If you call me bro one more time, I promise you I will put your cocaine polluted head in between my forearm and bicep and will pop you like a zit, and the last thing your eyes will see before they pop out of your filthy skull is my maniacal laugh..
THIS IS THE SMARTEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE, AND I HAVE DONE MANY, MANY SMART THINGS. EXCEPT WHEN I TOLD ANOKA COUNTY I LOVED THEM ONLY AND KEPT FLIRTING WITH MINNEAPOLIS. THAT WAS DUMB. OTHER THAN THAT, I AM ALL GENIUS.
Most of the time, and this includes naps, he’s an F-18, bro, and he will destroy you in the air and deploy his ordnance on the ground. You sign him, there’s a new sheriff in town, and he has an army of assassins.
All right, Charlie, not too bad so far. One more question, and if you answer this correctly, we’ll let you stay. Talk to me about Packers coach Mike McCarthy.
I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels, especially if they wind up in our octagon. Clearly we have defeated this earthworm with our words—imagine what we will do in 2011 with our fire breathing fists. Boom, print that.