Deep in the bowels of Winter Park, the Minnesota Vikings braintrust works tirelessly to get a stadium bill submitted to state legislators before the current legislative session ends. Lester Bagley, Zygi Wilf, and Scott Studwell, who really runs things, are in a meeting with the Governor to finalize their plan.
Gentlemen, the time has come to finish dotting the I's and crossing the T's. As you know, Zygi and I have been busting our ass in New Jersey auditioning for the Jersey Shore, and have complete trust and confidence that you have constructed a great plan, and we just need to approve the final, airtight, slam dunk of a plan that will blow the state lawmakers out of the water. Governor Dayton, thanks for being here today.
Thanks for having me here. My support is crucial, because I'm the governor. I'm kind of a big deal, people know me. Yeah. So tell me about this wired tight, infallible, foolproof plan that I can take to the people, half of whom despise me just because of my political affiliations and beliefs.
A NEW STADIUM IS ESSENTIAL. WITHOUT ONE WE WILL FALL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE NFL IN REVENUE AND WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BRING BACK BRETT FAVRE. AND I WANT FREAKISHLY UNNATURAL ABS LIKE THE SITUATION.
He's retired, Zyg. And we're already at the bottom. I'd recommend sit ups.
SITUPS! THAT IS A CRACKERJACK OF AN IDEA. NOW TELL ME OF MY WONDERFUL NEW STADIUM, PLEASANTLY DEMEANORED LESTER BAGLEY. DO WE HAVE A BIG SCREEN THAT CHRIS KLUWE CAN DRAW STUNNING STICK FIGURE CARTOONS ABOUT, LIKE THE ANTI CHRIST JERRY JONES DOES? HAVE YOU GIVEN ME 80,000 SEATS LIKE THAT NAPLOEONIC WANNA BE BASTARD OF AN OWNER IN DAN SNYDER? SPIN ME GLORIOUS TALES OF MY NEW CATHEDRAL.
(Looking up from Angry Birds chirp chirp GRRRRRRR): Your new what?
Sigh...I hate my job.
God DAMN it. Our new stadium, Vice President in Charge of Passing A Stadium Bill With the Legislature While Being Perpetually Pissed Off Doing It. You know, the one that we need to stay competitive and remain in Minnesota? Where have you been for the last 10 years?
Oh yeah yeah yeah. Stadium. Got it. Under control. Give me a sec. I can't kill this damn pig.
I KNEW GIVING COMPLETE AND AUTONOMOUS CONTROL TO YOU AND YOUR PLEASANT, CHEERY ATTITUDE WOULD PAY GRAND DIVIDENDS.
What?
You don't have a goddamn thing done, do you?
How close are we? You do know the Minnesota Legislative session ends in less than a month, right? I have to go to the Legislature with a good plan, like Pawlenty had for the Twins stadium. He got to sign the bill on the pitcher's mound. I want to sign a bill on the 50, and then shake Brett Favre's hand. Tim Pawlenty never shook Brett Favre's hand.
God, no wonder I hate politicians. They never freaking listen. HE'S NOT COMING BACK.
Can I sign the bill on the 50?
You can sign it on the back of a dead, naked, tranny hooker for all I care, just sign the damn thing when we get it passed. Bagley, you know the legislature adjourns in about three weeks.
Get what passed? You barely got an idea going on here, much less a plan.
Governor, if you don't close your piehole I will jackhammer you though this conference room table. Bagley, I need you to focus and tell me the plan that we will submit before the legislature ends their session.
Who, and they're doing what?
I think I'm going to throw up, and then I'm going to curbstomp you, Bagley. Give me the stadium details, and give them to me RIGHT NOW. Right. Fucking. Now.
YES, YES SPILL THE BEANS, MINNEAPOLIS MASTERMIND.
(GRRRRRRRRR..chirp chirp chirp): What do you want to know?
Who's the architect?
That's the guy who's gonna build it.
How many seats do we have?
: A shit ton.
Luxury suites?
Metric ass load.
WE SHALL MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO BRING BACK FAVRE AND CHUCK FOREMAN IN ONE FELL SWOOP.
If ONE MORE PERSON opens their filthy hole about Brett Favre, I swear to God I'm hiring Jenn Sterger as my personal secretary. Bagley, Does this have a roof, or is it open air?
Yes.
Are we in Minneapolis, or the suburbs?
Probably.
REMEMBER WHEN I TRICKED ANOKA COUNTY INTO THINKING I WANTED ONLY THEIR SITE WHILE SECRETLY REMAINING IN TALKS WITH MINNEAPOLIS? I'M GLAD NO ONE FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT.
Um, Zyg? Anoka County did find out about that. That's why we're not in the final stages of building a stadium out there. They told us to take our carpetbagging ass and go masturbate with a potato peeler, remember?
THAT'S UNFORTUNATE. SEND THEM A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. PURPLE AND GOLD TULIPS. HOW IS YOUR PHALLUS? MINE IS STILL QUITE PAINFUL.
I'm locking all of you out of this facility if there is not silence IMMEDIATELY. Bagley, who is our local partner?
Our what?
Sweet merciful Odin, this is a disaster not seen since Les Steckel was my coach. OUR NEBULOUS LOCAL GOVERNMENT ENTITY THAT WILL HELP US PAY FOR OUR STADIUM!!
: Oh yeah, them. We got options.
No, Lester, Hugh Hefner has options. We got dick, with a financial plan that makes Brad Childress look like he knew what he was doing
I MISS THAT RAPSCALLION BRADLEY AND HIS MAGNIFICENTLY COIFFED HAIR. WHY IS HE NOT AT THIS MEETING?
Zyg, you fired him six months ago.
HOW UNFORTUNATE. SEND HIM A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. PURPLE AND GOLD TULIPS.
Bagley, other than playing that ridiculously addicting game, what the hell have you been doing?
(CHIRP GRRRRR GRRRRR) Developing a stadium plan. And going to anger management classes. I love Angry Birds. Helps with the dickish personality that comes across in interviews and on TV.
(on phone, whispering): Hello, trusty aide that will do anything I ask? I need you to do two things. Manufacture a crisis so I can get out of here, and then get me a pig. And lipstick. This is turning into a bigger disaster than the Dieppe raid. And then put the lipstick on the pig and call the Senate and House leaders. And go to the top of the Capitol and Turn on the Sid Hartman Beacon. And then get a hold of Charley Walters' little birdie. We're going to need all the help we can get on this. Oh, and arrest Pat Reusse and Jim Souhan until this has passed. We can't take any chances.
Look Bagley, you don't have a stadium blueprint, an architect, stadium details, where the thing is going to be built, who's paying for it, or whether it will be open air or have a roof.
Great plan, isn't it? This will work.
...
...
It's time to die.
WAIT!!! Remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books?
Yes...I am familiar with them. So help me, if you're yanking my chain, we're going to play ‘Choose Bagley's violent, panful death at the hands of Scott Studwell'. Talk fast, soon to be dead man.
I SHALL LOVE THIS PLAN VIOLENTLY. AND I SHALL BE TICKLED WHILE I WATCH YOUNG STUDWELL DISMEMBER MY STADIUM GUY.
It works like this (Throws the Choose Your Own Adventure Book Odin's New House on to conference table).
I don't understand.
TAKE US TO ADVENTURELAND, SOON TO BE BEST SELLING AUTHOR.
Every stadium choice has an option--roof or not, Minneapolis or Arden Hills, local tax or general fund money, it doesn't matter--and every option leads to the last page.
What's on the last page?
"The Minnesota Legislature passed the stadium bill, the governor signed it, and everyone lived happily ever after. In Minnesota. With unicorns. The end.
I'm a dumber person for sitting in on this meeting. I hate you all to the core of my soul.
BRILLIANT! SALLY FORTH TO ST PAUL POSTE HASTE, GENIUS CHEERY STADIUM HACK.
I've just watched my own recall take place before my eyes.