Deep in the bowels of Winter Park, the Minnesota Vikings braintrust works tirelessly to get a stadium bill submitted to state legislators before the current legislative session ends. Lester Bagley, Zygi Wilf, and Scott Studwell, who really runs things, are in a meeting with the Governor to finalize their plan.
Gentlemen, the time has come to finish dotting the I's and crossing the T's. As you know, Zygi and I have been busting our ass in New Jersey auditioning for the Jersey Shore, and have complete trust and confidence that you have constructed a great plan, and we just need to approve the final, airtight, slam dunk of a plan that will blow the state lawmakers out of the water. Governor Dayton, thanks for being here today.
Thanks for having me here. My support is crucial, because I'm the governor. I'm kind of a big deal, people know me. Yeah. So tell me about this wired tight, infallible, foolproof plan that I can take to the people, half of whom despise me just because of my political affiliations and beliefs.
A NEW STADIUM IS ESSENTIAL. WITHOUT ONE WE WILL FALL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE NFL IN REVENUE AND WILL NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BRING BACK BRETT FAVRE. AND I WANT FREAKISHLY UNNATURAL ABS LIKE THE SITUATION.
SITUPS! THAT IS A CRACKERJACK OF AN IDEA. NOW TELL ME OF MY WONDERFUL NEW STADIUM, PLEASANTLY DEMEANORED LESTER BAGLEY. DO WE HAVE A BIG SCREEN THAT CHRIS KLUWE CAN DRAW STUNNING STICK FIGURE CARTOONS ABOUT, LIKE THE ANTI CHRIST JERRY JONES DOES? HAVE YOU GIVEN ME 80,000 SEATS LIKE THAT NAPLOEONIC WANNA BE BASTARD OF AN OWNER IN DAN SNYDER? SPIN ME GLORIOUS TALES OF MY NEW CATHEDRAL.
God DAMN it. Our new stadium, Vice President in Charge of Passing A Stadium Bill With the Legislature While Being Perpetually Pissed Off Doing It. You know, the one that we need to stay competitive and remain in Minnesota? Where have you been for the last 10 years?
How close are we? You do know the Minnesota Legislative session ends in less than a month, right? I have to go to the Legislature with a good plan, like Pawlenty had for the Twins stadium. He got to sign the bill on the pitcher's mound. I want to sign a bill on the 50, and then shake Brett Favre's hand. Tim Pawlenty never shook Brett Favre's hand.
Governor, if you don't close your piehole I will jackhammer you though this conference room table. Bagley, I need you to focus and tell me the plan that we will submit before the legislature ends their session.
Um, Zyg? Anoka County did find out about that. That's why we're not in the final stages of building a stadium out there. They told us to take our carpetbagging ass and go masturbate with a potato peeler, remember?
(on phone, whispering): Hello, trusty aide that will do anything I ask? I need you to do two things. Manufacture a crisis so I can get out of here, and then get me a pig. And lipstick. This is turning into a bigger disaster than the Dieppe raid. And then put the lipstick on the pig and call the Senate and House leaders. And go to the top of the Capitol and Turn on the Sid Hartman Beacon. And then get a hold of Charley Walters' little birdie. We're going to need all the help we can get on this. Oh, and arrest Pat Reusse and Jim Souhan until this has passed. We can't take any chances.