How you ask? Well, despite no one agreeing with my plan, I took the initiative and flew down to Jamaica today to consult with a local Voodoo Witch Doctor. While he was unable to help me figure out who would own the #1 pick in the 2012 draft, he did have a very interesting prophecy- the results of the 2011 season! And let me tell you, was he both uplifting in his visions, as well as quite detailed.
Fortunately for you, the DN faithful, I was scribbling down his words the entire time, and have come to share them with you. I will start with the regular season... the post season (yes, he even knew that!) will come later!
My new friend. He's nicer than he looks, really.
Vikings at San Diego: Vikings win, 27-3. Side note: Jared Allen returns triumphant to the field bearing his proud mullet once again. He then has a record smashing 57 sacks- screaming in an unearthly roar each time, "FOR FAVRE!!!". After the game, HC Leslie Frazier gently pulls Allen aside and informs him that in fact, Favre is no longer with the Vikings. Allen then cries.
Buccaneers at Minnesota: Vikings win, 21-17. Side note: Adrian Peterson, having scored his second touchdown of the game, is suddenly highlighted in a ray of sunshine when the roof tears slightly and sends a shaft of light upon him. Upon the sight, Rahim Morris does cry.
Lions at Minnesota: Vikings win, 27-26. Side note: the heart attack-inducing closeness of the game is caused by Ndamukong Suh repeatedly shoving Bryant McKinnie out of the way like a paper doll. Joe Webb, however, remains calm and unfazed this time. McKinnie gets a paper cut at one point looking at the new O-line playbook, and does cry.
Vikings at Kansas City: Vikings win, 17-7. Side note: the one touchdown is caused when Matt Cassel throws a frantic screen due to the pressure caused by the newest member of the D-line, Amobi Okoye. The screen succeeds in a touchdown when Dwayne Bowe finds himself in the fortunate position of only facing Madieu Williams, who attempts a tackle in the complete opposite direction. Remembering his decision to retain Williams as the starter, Leslie Frazier succeeds in fighting the urge to cry.
Cardinals at Minnesota: Vikings win, 22-0. Side note: the Cardinals fail to score when faced against the newest starting Safety, Rahim Moore. The shock of a secondary that can actually do something is too much for the Cardinals' newest QB, Jake Locker, to overcome. However, he does not cry.
Vikings at Chicago: Vikings win, 21-17. Side note: Bryant McKinnie was too busy at a club to be aware that a game was going on, leaving a sizeable gap in the O-line for Julius Peppers to exploit. Joe Webb succeeds in often confusing the DE, however, with spider webs fired from his wrist, shockingly proving that his nickname is more than just a pun. After the game, Chester Taylor fights the urge to cry upon remembering that he should have been with the Vikings. A certain writer of the Daily Norseman with a soft spot for ol' Chester also cries at the sight.
Packers at Minnesota: Vikings win, 32-0. Side note: the Packers suffer a loss they cannot overcome in the second play of their first offensive series. Aaron Rodgers, seeking a target, is suddenly confused when the sky goes dark, and realizes that Kevin Williams is right in front of him. Too late in registering the impending doom, he is knocked out of the game, but luckily avoids serious injury, cuz no matter what, that sucks. The Packers secondary, normally very solid, is further confused by the antics of one Percy Harvin, who surges in the new KAO of OC Bill Musgrave, who actually designs an offense that kicks ass. Many a Packer fan do cry.
Vikings at Carolina: Vikings win, 23-3. Side note: new Panthers QB Cam Newton attempts to scramble many a time in the game due to the snarling nature of the Vikings D-line, which remembered this season that it is the Vikings D-line. However, he soon discovers that behind them are the Vikings LB corps, and he is rudely introduced to this fact by OLB
Moammar Gadhafi Jasper Brinkley. A safety is also brought in via EJ Henderson, who for no reason does a backflip when recovering the end-zone fumble- cuz he's awesome like that. After the game, no one cries in the stands, because all the Carolina fans left early.
Bye Week: Vikings win, 7-0. Side note: no one knows how.
Vikings at Green Bay: Vikings win, 17-14. Side note: Aaron Rodgers is now recovered and active, but is acutely aware of Kevin Williams' presence at all times. However, this only compounds a problem: DC Fed Pagac tears a page out of the '10 playbook against the Eagles, and unleashes Antoine Winfield's power upon the Packers. Winfield, being an incredible stud, carries the defense, while Sydney Rice makes a one-handed touchdown catch to seal the exciting game at 0:03 in the fourth quarter. After the game, Brett Favre, watching at home in Mississippi, cries- but no one's entirely sure why.
Raiders at Minnesota: Vikings win, 17-3. Side note: during the game, former Raiders HC Tom Cable shows up unexpectedly to punch several of the Raiders' coaching staff in the face. Many do cry.
Vikings at Atlanta: Vikings win, 30-27. Side note: Leslie Frazier, a student of history, makes a surprising decision that hauntingly echoes for Vikings fans everywhere- deep on a third down with 0:30 on the clock in the fourth quarter, a play is called where Joe Webb fakes taking a knee, shocking the Falcons with a sudden pass to Percy Harvin, who then runs it in for a touchdown to tie the game. In OT, Ryan Longwell stares at the entire Falcons sideline throughout his game winning kick, never even looking at the goal posts- sealing his legend for all time. Then, for some inexplicable reason, he cries.
Broncos at Minnesota: Vikings win, 49-0. Side note: in fact, the game is scored 42-0 at halftime, and Frazier decides to rest the starters and orders a run-heavy offense for Toby Gerhart. Gerhart feels bad about running in for a touchdown afterwards, actually stopping just beforehand to look over to Frazier for the go-ahead, which he reluctantly gives. At this point, Tim Tebow does cry- a lot.
Vikings at Detroit: Vikings win, 17-7. Side note: Sydney Rice and Adrian Peterson team up at one point to play a game of hot-potato at the one-yard line, gamely giving the Lions' secondary a chance to catch up for a second before Rice simply reaches the ball across the plane for the score. Also, rather that destroy Matthew Stafford... for another season... Brian Robison simply picks him up and carries him to the Lions' sideline, at which point he then places him down, points his finger at him, and warns him to stay there. Stafford does so, but to his credit does not cry. (He does wet himself, however.)
Saints at Minnesota: Vikings win, 7-0. Side note: at first, the Saints feel good about their chances at sealing the hat-trick: this fades upon entering the Metrodome. The shockingly close, low scoring game is somewhat reminiscent of the 2010 start, where both defenses are proven quite strong- however, it is worth pointing out that Peterson, Rice, and Harvin are all sitting, and Jaymar Johnson and Greg Camarillo are in fact the only activated WRs for the game. Also, at one point, Jared Allen, who still weeps for Favre, begins sobbingly singing "Pants on the Ground!" while actually pulling Drew Brees' pants down during a play. He is consolingly taken to the sidelines afterwards, where he desperately texts the old man, hoping for just a fix. And yes, he is crying throughout. Steve Hutchinson is of no consolation.
Vikings at Washington: Vikings win, 14-3. Side note: surprisingly, Donovan McNabb is found on the Redskins side, not the Vikings- as Mike Shanahan and Dan Snyder are both clinically insane. He has also received yet another raise and extension through 2025. However, this appears to be a bad move when his head explodes upon having to face down the Vikings defense, including a blitzing Chad Greenway. After the game, Shanahan does not cry, as his body is devoid of both soul and fluid.
Bears at Minnesota: Vikings win, 14-10. Side note: the perfect regular season is sealed when Jay Cutler is rattled by a benched Kevin Williams' constant stare. He throws 9 interceptions, all to Chris Cook, the only notable secondary player actually activated for the game. Cook fails to score consistently though, tearing a meniscus each time he makes the interception. That's right- he tore 9 menisci. To his credit, Cook does not cry- however, he does when doctors apply some alcohol to disinfect the area prior to surgery, despite no open wound being present on his knees.