Scene: In an office at the Metrodome. The dimly lit room is illuminated by Coleman camping lanterns, there are stains all over the ripped carpeting, a homeless bum is asleep in the corner, and the ceiling is sagging halfway down to the floor, being held up by a wood beam...which itself is wrapped with duct tape. There are several buckets in the room, catching water from numerous roof leaks. In the background you can hear the moaning of two Iowa fans fornicating in the bathroom stall next door.
...and there you have it. We have come up with a good plan that maximizes the team contribution, gives 13,000 construction workers jobs in a down economy, keeps over $30 million dollars just in tax revenue coming into the state coffers, gives the Vikings a world class facility and a Minnesota Sports Hall of Fame, and keeps the most popular sports franchise in Minnesota for the next 30 years. And it gets us out of this shithole.
In addition, we've met every requirement that you, the legislature, have imposed upon us. You asked us to wait for the Twins and Gophers stadiums to get done, and we did. You asked us to stand down after the I-35W bridge disaster, and you didn't even need to ask. You asked us to find a local partner, and we did with the good people of Ramsey County. You asked that we have a retractable roof in our plans, and we do. So let's close this deal, and pass this bill so we can get the $300 million that the state has promised and we can get this stadium built. And it gets us out of this shithole.
Ummm, excuse me?
DERP DERP METRODOME DERP
Lester, what he hell is this moron saying?
I don't know. That's all he ever says. I just assumed it was some hybrid of Scandanavian and German for 'approved, that he likes, it, and it's time to get out of the Metrodome', because that's all he ever says when I brief him on the stadium updates.
Zygi, if I may, I am fluent in the ancient tongue of Idiot, many people think it's my native tongue as well. I think I can translate what Speaker Zellers is saying..
Well, please do, Senate Majority Leader Koch.
Mr. Zellers thinks the Metrodome is fine, actually.
...
DERP DERP DERPITY DERPISH HEAD IN SAND DERP DERPER DERPING
He says that with all the tradition and history the Vikings have in Minnesota, he feels that you won't move.
DERPING DERPED DERP PISS OFF DERPER TO DERP
And he says there's no way the state is coughing up $300 million for a stadium.
DERP HAVE DERPED WILL DERP DERPY DERP DERP
You'll have to come up with an alternative funding plan.
DEEEEERRRRRRRRPPPPP!!!
And there should be a DERP referendum DERP, even though we didn't have one for the Twins stadium DERP DERP DERPISH HAVE DERPED
DERPITY DERP DERPING DERPER DERPISHING DERP
...
....
God damn it...
Governor Dayton, a little help here? We play in the NFL equivalent of fucking Kabul with a pinch of East St. Louis thrown in for good measure. People from inner city Detroit come to the Metrodome and say to me 'dude, what a shithole'. Are you kidding me? Really?
I fully support the $300 million state contribution.
Thank God. I knew you wouldn't fail us, Governor Dayton.
DERPITY DERP SUCK IT DAYTON DEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRPPPPP
I think I understoodpart of that, but can somebody please tell me what...the...FUCK he is saying? Senator?
He just told told the Governor to cave in like a mine collapse, because he says no.
Oh, in that case I don't think a $300 million contribution by the state is a good idea.
What the HELL? You JUST SAID you supported it. What gives?
Well, Zellers may be an idiot, but I'm gutless and won't stand up to him. Did you see me collapse like a sugar deprived diabetic during the state shutdown? What makes you think I'll stand up to him now? DERP
Oh, I don't know...upping the dosage of Xanax, maybe?
DERPITY DERPING DERP DERP DERP DDDDDEEEEEEERRRRRPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!
Ooh, Speaker Zellers has an idea! DERP DERP
He's pulling his head out of his ass? SWEET! LET'S MAKE A DEAL, BITCHES!
Oh, I doubt he'll ever do that. And I fully support him in his desire to keep it there. No, it's an alternative funding plan instead of the state contribution.
Well, I'm all ears. This ought to be good.
DERP DERP DERPITY WALL DERPING DERP DERPER DERPISH BRICKS DERP DERP STUPID DERP
The Speaker suggests that fans buy a brick.
DDDEEEEEEERRRRRRRPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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...
...Say the word, Zyg, and I will piledrive this dumbass for you.
...Looks like another perfect day...I love L.A. (We love it!) I love L.A. (We love it!) Hang on Scott...Hello? Hi, Ed. No, now they want the fans to buy bricks. No, I can't believe your good fortune, either. Yes, they are that dumb. Yes, I can meet with you tomorrow. Okay, 10:00 sounds good. See you then. Buh-bye.
DERP DERPISH SO FULL OF DEEEEERRRRRRP DERPITY DERP DERP!!!!
I swear to God I'll give Roski money to take this team off my hands, just as long as I don't have to deal with these jackasses anymore.