Get Your Minnesota Vikings Cyber Monday Deals!

Today is Cyber Monday, which marks the biggest day for online shopping of the year. Cyber Monday is for the savvy consumers that wisely want to avoid the insane lines and other surefire signs of social decay that Black Friday has become. They prefer to enjoy the deals from the comfort of their own computer three days later instead.

Sadly, I was one of the idiots eager shoppers on Black Friday this year. We didn't wait in line at midnight or anything, but my wife convinced me that we needed to get some of those door busters. Although I came dangerously close to the pedestrian version of road rage a few times, we did end up getting a sweet deal on a TV.

But just because I braved the masses on Friday doesn't mean that I can't snag a few deals today. After all, I do write for a blog; it would be irresponsible of me to let Cyber Monday pass without doing my part to boost our online economy.

Luckily for Vikings fans, our favorite team is offering a bunch of amazing deals after their game in Chicago yesterday. We're talking prices lower than the Vikings' dwindling playoff chances! Everything must go! (Preferably before next week's game at Green Bay!) Here's just a small sampling of what's available:

• Jerome Simpson non-stick gloves (game-worn): Tired of getting messy kitchen ingredients and perfectly thrown passes all over your hands? Then this is the perfect stocking stuffer for you! These gloves come with a 12-week guarantee of repelling nearly everything they come in contact with. Grease, tomato sauce, footballs, contract renewals--there's nothing that these gloves can't drop! Also available: limited quantities of Jarius Wright and Stephen Burton models.
• Play Calling for Dummies by Bill Musgrave: This is a can't-miss gift for the bookworm on your list that's looking for a quick career change. This book is undoubtedly the most comprehensive guide available when it comes to coaching your way out of the league. Some of the highlights include "The Element Of Surprise: How Passing Twice on Short Yardage Situations with the Best Running Back in the League Never Fails" and "How to Cope with Being Outcoached on a Weekly Basis". Also available on iTunes and Amazon. (There was supposed to be an audiobook available; unfortunately we couldn't edit out the profanities from Vikings fans in the background by the time we published.)
• Viking Wide Receiver/Defensive Back Magnets: Are you one of those people that's constantly hanging things on your refrigerator? Then you'll love these incredibly reliable magnets inspired by the Minnesota Vikings wide receivers. If you're looking for separation, look elsewhere! Just like their namesake, these magnets are sure to keep all metal objects as close as their real-life counterparts keep defenders. But hurry, because the Devin Aromashodu and Michael Jenkins models are sure to be gone fast!
• Adrian Peterson's Magical Disappearing/Reappearing Invisible Ink Pen: Do you have a "naughty" trickster on your shopping list? Are you looking to pull a practical joke on your friends and family over the holidays? Then look no further than this great gag gift inspired by Vikings running back Adrian Peterson. This high-tech pen comes equipped with special ink that shows up at first, disappears for a few years, then suddenly comes back when you least expect it. Just like Adrian Peterson's fumbling problem!
• Vikings Defense Third Down Survival Kit: Winter is officially in full swing here in Minnesota. You never know when you're going to get stranded out in the elements. Make sure you're prepared with this survival kit inspired by the third down defense of the Minnesota Vikings! This kit comes complete with road flares, trail mix, hand warmers, and a portable cell phone battery that's compatible with all of today's major brands. But that's not all--there's even a small canister of emergency gasoline included in the kit! Perfect for getting you to that remote gas station on the way to Grandma's house or simply lighting yourself on fire after watching Vikings opponents convert yet another third down.