I had a much better picture photoshopped for this story, but as it turns out, this is all I can legally use.
You're damn right you read that correctly- RESULTS, baby. And good results this time, as in accurate. As in, Dr. Prometheus has been fired.
Sort of. Uh, read on for that.
Anyways, after my revelation last offseason that I had unfortunately been scammed by a scam artist who specialized in scamming (the poor chickens died for nothing... so much blood and feathers, all for naught...), I turned my attentions elsewhere this time, seeking a TRUE prophet of things that have yet to have transpired... Professor Loki!
What could go wrong this time?
The term ‘Leap of Faith' takes a whole new meaning this time, my fellow Viking fandom.
To his credit, Dr. Prometheus was damn right in saying that Steve Hutchinson was of no consolation. However, he was off a bit about Cris Carter in f'in pads and a uniform saving the day in the Super Bowl. Amongst a few other trivial points.
So this time, I utilized this strange glowing cube I found recently, and lo and behold it summoned an ethereal form who called himself ‘Professor Loki'. He promised me in exchange for a sacrifice -a human sacrifice, that is- he would reveal unto me and through me unto the rest of the Viking fandom the results of the 2012 Minnesota Vikings season.
The human sacrifice? Like I said, Dr. Prometheus was fired. Just... a bit more literally that that usually means.
Anyhoo, with that business taken care of, we got down to some specifics. BEHOLD!
@ San Francisco- L, 21-6.
Starts ugly, folks. New kicker Blair Walsh is the only scorer of the game, and Adrian Peterson remains sidelined throughout the preseason as a precaution. This is facilitated by a lion cage reinforced by an uncross-able moat filled with lava and alligators adorned in fire-retardant suits that are also equipped with laser cannons. Unfortunately, the team was so focused on keeping Peterson contained they really didn't think about the alligators... poor, poor man in seat 1B. Also, Randy Moss catches one pass for two yards, then heads off for a smoke break before being cut immediately for being a jackass.
Buffalo- L, 23-7.
The ugliness continues. The lone score comes when Percy Harvin becomes enraged and decimates three opposing players in an 82-yard bulrush. The Vikings ended up in the endzone three other times; however, it all comes to naught when OC Bill Musgrave opts for constant Wildcat packages that feature Webb faking handoffs to Ponder. Including on each fourth down. Afterwards, reports surface that Musgrave was atomic wedgied in the locker room a la Toby Gerhart. Peterson remains caged- thankfully, the alligators this time are also contained by a second moat containing acid and sharks equipped with acid-retardant suits and surface-to-air missiles. Unfortunately, this also was a mistake... poor, poor man in seat 21D. He really shouldn't have had that paper cut that let a single drop of blood fall. Sharks have really good noses, man.
San Diego- L, 32-3.
Walsh continues to at least earn his spot... sort of. Attempts by Musgrave to repeatedly try ‘curious' plays featuring players at different positions, including Gerhart at QB, Matt Kalil at WR, and Jared Allen at RB repeatedly net less than desired results. Particularly when a badly confused Allen sacks Gerhart out of pure instinct. After the game, reports surface of Musgrave being swirlied repeatedly a la Kyle Rudolph, whose only time on the field consisted of an attempt to try him at punter. Peterson remains caged- the sharks' surface-to-air missiles were removed prior to the game in lieu of torpedoes, which is assumed to be safe. However, a drunken idiot still manages to fall in, and concerns are raised about the intelligence of keeping a combination of explosives, lasers, lava, acid, as well as live predators inside the Metrodome. It is still agreed that this is by and far not the worst aspect of the stadium, however.
@ Houston- L, 21-17.
Fans' worst fears are realized when the team manages to go winless throughout the pre-season, however, hope is seen by a more competitive showing. This is largely thanks to Musgrave being mysteriously absent; reports later surface of him being shoved inside and trapped in a locker a la John Sullivan prior to the game. Fortunately, no alligator or shark related human deaths occur... however, three team staffers are instantly destroyed when they attempt to prevent a fully healed Adrian Peterson from escaping his cage, which is no longer able to hold him as his knee has now completely healed. The sharks and alligators also suffer heart attacks upon the sight of a freed AP.
The Regular Season
Jacksonville- W, 27-10.
Joy erupts amongst the fandom as the Vikings open the season with a win. At first Christian Ponder appears shaky... however, the entire Jaguars defense is shocked when he suddenly stops post snap and booms "GOTCHA BITCHES!" before throwing a 99 yard touchdown to Jarius Wright. It turns out the highly cerebral Ponder had planned the entire first quarter's poor showing as a ruse to trick the opposing defense into complacency. Things get hairy for the Jacksonville offense when Jared Allen has an impressive four sack game- this is largely due to terror on the side of the Jag's O-line, when they notice Jared Allen drinking a very thick red Gatorade... and realize it is deer's blood.
...and then find a blood-drained deer carcass on their own sidelines with a number 11 carved into its side.
@ Indianapolis- W, 27-21.
The streak continues! It should be noted Andrew Luck preforms admirably but cannot comprehend something strange: a Vikings secondary that doesn't completely suck. The Indy coaches spend the majority of the time on the sidelines scratching their heads, as their game plan essentially consisted of Luck passing as if no defensive backs were on the field, and they are badly confused when Vikings players make two interceptions. Luck is also forced to contend with Jared Allen's three sacks... and is also somewhat disturbed by the sight of Allen roasting a boar on the Vikings' sidelines while staring right at the quarterback.
San Francisco- L, 21-20.
Viking fans are disappointed in the first loss of the season despite Jared Allen's three sack performance and a good showing by Christian Ponder. Adrian Peterson booms across the field for an 89-yard touchdown, going zig-zag the entire way simply due to a repressed urge to ‘cut' that was restrained while rehabilitating his knee. When things get hairy in the fourth quarter, the team must struggle to keep Jared Allen from stripping down naked, as he announces that he will battle the San Francisco O-line ‘Beowulf style'. FYI, if you don't get that reference, your high school English teacher is very disappointed in you.
@ Detroit- W, 28-21.
The Vikings bounce back from their first loss in fine fashion, erasing the NFC North losing streak begun season prior with a victory over the Lions. Matthew Stafford has a pretty good day, because he's a pretty good guy. However, he, as well as the entire Lions' offense, is frightened by a stranger roar... and then truly terrified by the sight of Jared Allen actively hunting a real lion with a knife. While the coaches are not pleased that his efforts leave him too busy to take the field for the first three snaps, a blood soaked Allen is happy regardless to record three sacks later. The real Vikings MVP of the game, however, is ironically Ndamukong Suh, who receives such an egregious amount of penalty yards due to his frustration after Adrian Peterson posterizes him three consecutive times that the Vikings manage to make a 99-yard scoring drive in only four plays.
Tennessee- W, 32-10.
The Vikings record a strong victory against the Titans, who unfortunately have Jake Locker instead of Christian Ponder behind center. While Matt Hasselbeck was slated to start, and was uninjured, he refuses to take the field in sheer terror upon the site of Jared Allen drinking blood from a cup fashioned from a skull of unidentifiable source. It should be noted Allen had his pinky extended the whole time... classy dude. While his two sack performance continues an impressive streak and officially renews interest in his chances of breaking the sack record, with fifteen sacks in only five games, the real superstar is Percy Harvin... who officially records a pick-six "just to prove I'm more than just a running back, kick returner, punt returner, and wide receiver", he says after the game. "I don't want the coaches to think of me as just some other four-dimensional guy and put me in some ‘offense only' box."
@ Washington- L, 32-14.
Viking fans are dismayed. After such a strong opening, with the only loss being a one pointer against a strong foe, the Purple Pride suffers catastrophically against the Redskins. Even worse, Jared Allen has his first no-sack game, and is badly confused, initially blaming the possibility that he went overboard in ingesting that entire Norwegian Elk during warm-up. Christian Ponder has an atrocious three-INT game, and reliable superstars Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin suffer near-career lows. The entire Viking locker room is in a state of disarray, shock, and confusion post game, and Leslie Frazier struggles to not only maintain order, but to discover what went wrong.
The truth becomes clear three days later when it turns out that Kurt Zellers managed to obtain both tapes of the team practicing the week prior as well as game-day play books for both offense and defense, and then summarily handed them over to the Redskins' coaching staff. When disgusted and shocked Viking fans ask him later why he would do such a thing, Zellers replied "Look, I wanted the Vikings to win... but I just couldn't actually not do something to completely screw them over".
Shortly after he is ousted from office Zellers is then confused as to why he cannot find employment in the entire state of Minnesota.
Arizona- L, 14-10
Despite some poor performance on the offensive side of the ball, the defense manages to hold up its end of the bargain, with Jared Allen resuming his sack streak with a blast against Kevin Kolb (who is starting, and even I don't know why... Professor Loki himself was confused as well), bringing him up to seventeen and officially in sniffing distance of the record, only seven games in. However, Christian Ponder and Matt Kalil both have off days... which is OK because Kalil is a rookie and Ponder is only in his second year, and if you can't get over ONE bad game, then you're just not ready for the upcoming season.
As a side note that's been overlooked until now, Adrian Peterson's efforts in the games have so far netted over 800 yards... he simply smiles after the game and gives a terrible AP2K pun, but nobody calls him on it because they're afraid he might shake their hand if they do.
Tampa Bay- W, 27-24.
The Vikings have not beaten the Buccaneers since the divisions were re-arranged and the Bucs left the NFC Central. Did you know that? I don't know if you also know this, but despite being a Tampa boy, I hate the Bucs with a passion- even before 1998 (ergo also predating my Viking fandom), and I still haven't forgiven them for that anyways.
Anyhoo, the Vikings finally break that stupid streak referenced above. Adrian Peterson had a 100+ yard game, bringing him to nearly the halfway mark of his revered and yet ne'er achieved goal, and Jared Allen brings himself to 18 with a double-sack performance. Things get a bit hairy in a closely contested fourth quarter, when Aqib Talib is so infuriated that he can neither cover Jarius Wright nor intercept a flawless Christian Ponder that he threatens to ‘cap a bitch', and there is a temporary evacuation when he actually produces a loaded handgun from his uniform.
@ Seattle- W, 23-17.
The Vikings have a bit of a shaky game, with a few rookie mishaps occurring along the way. However, the Viking Juniors fail to surpass the good guys, largely thanks to a great deal of offensive confusion over HC Pete Carroll's interesting, and somewhat ill-advised, method of ‘quarterback rotation'... QBs Matt Flynn, Tavaris Jackson, and Russell Wilson each take a play per series in a constant rotating manner. The only upside to this is the fact that it does limit Jared Allen to one sack- mostly due to the fact that he constantly bolts off to the sidelines to sack a QB not involved in the play thanks to his confusion over the matter. Kyle Rudolph steals the show by making a one handed catch... actually, it's a two-finger catch, using only his index and thumb finger to secure the TD. On the other side of it all, Sydney Rice has a decent game up until his right arm inexplicably falls off. Dude has SERIOUS injury issues.
Detroit- L, 27-20.
Viking fans bemoan the first divisional loss of the season. Things are going well halfway into the third quarter, but the Vikings find it difficult to score when Adrian Peterson suffers an unfortunate mishap- Matt Kalil and Rhett Ellison combine to block so fiercely that a time-space continuum disturbance occurs, and Adrian Peterson hits the disturbance at such speed that he suddenly disappears, much to the dismay of Viking fandom everywhere. Jared Allen's impressive streak continues but with only one sack- he immediately ceases tearing live rattlesnakes apart with his bare hands upon Peterson's mishap, donning a bandana and announcing to HC Leslie Frazier, "coach, I got this!" and sacking his way right through the same time-space continuum shift to pursue AP- to the combined shock and horror of Vikingdom everywhere.
The Vikings spend their off week recruiting a team to search for their missing superstars. This consists of a team of specially selected men led by Sylvester Stallone, and after utilizing a portal built by the government, they attempt to pursue. However, things do not go well upon running into a group of cute woodland creatures. Leslie Frazier is encouraging, however, pointing out- "Hey, if any two Vikings can survive in an unknown dimension with unknown physics and unknown life forms, its Adrian Freakin' Peterson and Jared Freakin' Allen." He then pauses before adding thoughtfully, "I really hope Jared Allen doesn't get so caught up hunting said life forms that he forgets to get AP..."
@ Chicago- W, 32-17.
Despite their two best players being in the wrong dimension, the Vikings triumph over their Windy City foes in dominant fashion, thanks to the team filling in the pieces. Toby Gerhart SMASH and DO GOOD and then GET STEAK. He is particularly spurred on by Brian Urlacher's claim that the Battle of Mughar Ridge in World War I involved action by the French, whereas Gerhart was well aware that the only allied force involved was the British Empire. After running him straight over, Gerhart showed Urlacher actual documentation from the war itself proving this. Because he's the Credible Hulk, and he backs his rage with facts and documented sources.
On the defensive side of the ball, Kevin Williams records three sacks in an incredible performance during the game. When asked what spurred him on, he replied, "you know, Jared Allen's just so damn good at getting to the quarterback, it wasn't giving me a lot of chances. But I read on the Daily Norseman about one of their writers thinking I should be traded, and I wanted to show him what's up." Williams then stared at the camera and added, "I also want him to know I know where he lives and that I've seen where he sleeps." The Daily Norseman is then thrown into chaos for a few weeks as MVP superstar writer KJSegall goes into hiding at an undisclosed location.
@ Green Bay- W, 47-10.
Viking fans have much to rejoice about- the defeat of a hated divisional rival, a lopsided victory, and most importantly: the manner in which it occurs.
Early in the second quarter with the game going the Vikings' way, 17-10, Aaron Rodgers is driving down the field. Just at the 5 yard line in the red zone, however, something occurs- a hazy field appears, an unearthly roar is heard, and from beyond the beyond Jared Allen returns, soaked in an unidentifiable substance and wearing clothing scrapped from unknown sources. Recording his first sack since his disappearance, he flies straight into Rodgers, forces a fumble, and returns it for a touchdown. A referee is prepared to throw a flag for 12 men on the field, but Allen looks him in the eye and warns, "if you knew what I've seen, what I've done... you wouldn't do that." The play goes unflagged and the Vikings advance to 24-10.
After another defensive stop, Clay Matthews is repeatedly embarrassed and exposed as completely overrated by a dominant Matt Kalil, who actually yawns at one point whilst stuffing a blitz. However, Ponder fails to find an open receiver and ends up throwing the ball out of bounds as the line begins to get overwhelmed. Off on the far side of the field, Percy Harvin instantly steps off to be spelled by Jarius Wright... there is a split second delay before the official whistles the play officially dead... and another disturbance appears. The ground shakes, and as the mighty stampede of the buffalo explodes Adrian Peterson, still fiercely gripping the ball that he was holding when he first disappeared- because AP is done fumbling FOREVAH! Technically with the play alive, and the requisite 11 men on the field, the Packers scramble to stop the unleashed beast but are only ridiculously embarrassed as he races in for the score... 31-10. The Packers complain that the otherworldly heroes are a violation of the rules, because they're crybabies. Two more AP touchdowns and an Erin Henderson safety later... 47-10, baby, with Peterson and Allen's streaks resuming... at an astonishing 1100+yards for AP and 21 sacks for Allen.
Chicago- W, 21-20.
It's a win but Ponder has another shaky game. Regardless, he receives major kudos for shaking off two rough hits as well as an INT and generally being a hero. This is especially apparent when in contrast to a certain other crybaby NFC North QB on the field that day, as Cutler continues to whine about "Audie Cole keeps hitting me!" Tragically, while AP's streak continues with another insane 100+ yard performance, Allen goes sackless... it appears he remains somewhat traumatized from his misadventures in the realm beyond realms, and despite getting right next to Cutler repeatedly, he only screams a terrifying roar in the QB's face (causing some urination at one point from the QB). Now at 9-4, the Vikings are officially contenders for the post-season; however, Detroit meanwhile is 12-2 and looms as the likely divisional champ. Thanks in large part to the good guys, the Bears and Pack are likely out of contention, however. Despite Allen's march to the record being temporarily halted, AP continues his brilliance... another 100+ yard game places him now at 1273 yards total for the season. With only three games left, commentators on ESPN completely discount his ability to get to 2K, but that's less based off of mathematical logic and more on the fact that the majority of them are Green Bay-lovin' tools.
@ St. Louis- L, 17-14.
It's a close game but the good guys just can't seem to pull it off down the stretch. Adrian Peterson is booming away at the field like a beast, but in true Vikings fashion, we fail three times to convert when he places us at the 1 yard line. Jared Allen's streak remains stagnant, as he has still not fully recovered yet from whatever the hell happened to him in his cross-dimensional journeys. (AP is unaware as well when asked... he states that his time spent that was mostly filled with constant running forward and occasional cutting to the side, before after some time Allen suddenly tackled him out of nowhere back into our reality.)
Adrian Peterson explodes with a vicious 250+ yard performance, determined once and for all to gain a 2K status... as he is jealous that his nickname is two letters less than CJ2K. This is thanks to a surprising source: OC Bill Musgrave, whose boneheaded play calls otherwise cost the Vikings the game (largely thanks to repeated play actions that involve surprise WC QB Antoine Winfield faking handoffs to Christian Ponder), shows quite the move with... THE MOAR FULLBACK FORMATION! With a full five fullbacks on the field, they charge in an impenetrable shield ahead of Adrian Peterson. For some strange reason, however, Musgrave fails to consider using this formation on our repeated red zone opportunities.
@ Houston- L, 22-10.
Well, we're the Vikings, and we've hit a late season slump. The Texans are a solid team and are marching into the playoffs, remaining atop their division, so the loss isn't too hard to bear. Things get a little silly with Adrian Peterson's near 250 yard performance (because they have been super duper serial up until now), as he notches the second consecutive 200+ yard performance in his blitzkrieg towards the 2K mark. His determination is so great on the only scoring drive of the Vikings' day that he stops at the 1 yard line, turns around, and begins running back the other way to the 50 yard mark before then turning around and going back for a touchdown... really, really embarrassing both the Texans' defense as well as his own understanding of NFL rules. After the TD, a referee walks over to explain that only the forward yards count... meaning he ran 100 yards for nothing. Unfortunately for the poor referee, he chooses to shake AP's hand while telling him such... well, I really can't get into details, but as it turns out Adrian Peterson shaking someone's hand while angry actually ends up being a violation of FCC rules. The poor, poor children.
Green Bay- W, 27-13.
At last, the Vikings fix their down-the-stretch slump to finish the season in dominant fashion, earning a Wild Card berth with their 10-6 record, as well as preventing the Packers from going themselves. In fact, several notable events occur in this game- as Jared Allen suddenly snaps from his trance and rocks Aaron Rodgers for four freaking sacks. 25 sacks baby- THE RECORD!!! And on the other side of the ball, Chris Johnson can only peer through his tears as Adrian Peterson rightfully takes an unquestionable place as king of running backdom with a ferocious 250+ yard performance, not dissimilar to his epic introduction against San Diego many a moon ago. Finishing the regular season with 2,018 yards, AP2K can only smile.
Unfortunately even faithful Viking fans are not immediately aware of both milestones being achieved, as analysts fail to comment on ANY of it. Instead, they consistently cheer on about how tough Aaron Rodgers is for not going into cardiac arrest against the charging Allen, and about how pretty Clay Matthew's hair looks as it waves in the wind while he futilely runs after the transcendent AP. Even when Christian Ponder ultimately posts a better QB rating than his foe Rodgers, all the commentators can talk about is how Green Bay is the greatest team in the NFL... even though they were knocked out of the playoffs in this game.
Wild Card Round: Saints, W- 71-0.
‘Cuz screw those guys. That is all.
Divisional Round: Panthers, L- 32-30.
Eh. You really didn't think we were going to make it to the Super Bowl this season, did you? And c'mon, if it's gotta be to somebody, I suppose the Panthers are OK. I'm over what they did to Culpepper. Maybe you disagree. But hey- a loss by 2 points in the divisional round of the playoffs, things are looking UP baby! Our draft picks pan out, nobody gets injured, Jared Allen breaks the sack record and isn't showing an ounce of slowing down. Adrian Peterson is back to full health and has notched the 2000 yard season now onto his belt, Christian Ponder truly is developing into an elite caliber QB, and while the team's not perfect, it sure is a damn sight closer, and it's probably just one season away before the Super Bowl is completely in our sights. Rejoice, Viking Faithful! Cuz the dawn's a-comin'.