Remain Calm, All Is Well

DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER WILL ROBINSON:  The following parody as an ASSLOAD of swearing and naughty words.  But I was asked to do one of these a long time ago by some staff members, and because I like them, I'm finally getting around to doing it.  If your sensibilities are easily offended I have a couple rebuttals:  One, I don't care. Two, don't read it.  You've been warned...

Setting:  Winter Park.  There is an air of defeat in the air.  The Minnesota Vikings, struggling at 1-4, have a lot of issues, on both sides of the ball.  Owner Zygi Wilf has called a meeting to figure a game plan going forward.*

*I have no idea if any such meeting ever took place.  I assume it did. I mean, for the love of Miley's uncontrollable tongue, I hope to Hell when you're 1-4 there would be some sort of Come to Jesus Meeting somewhere.  But maybe it didn't.  I'm also pretty sure if it did take place, it didn't come anywhere near the way I'm about to describe it.

Actually, I'm positive it didn't come anywhere near the way I'm about to describe it..

Gentlemen, I've had enough.  I want to know what the hell is going on.  I've got a half a billion dollars of worthless dogshit stinking up that stadium every week, and if I don't get any answers, some disembodied HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLL.

I'm pretty sure that smell is the Men's restrooms.  Those are awful. And the Vikings will be worth a lot closer to a billion dollars than half a million once the stadium is built.  Don't sell yourself short, boss.

And I'm pretty goddamn sure that smell is my football team. And I wouldn't pay a warm bucket a piss to watch them right now.  But yeah, the restroom are pretty nasty, I'll give you that.

How much does a warm bucket of piss run a guy at Menard's these days?

SHUT. UP.  How are you going to fix this mess?  Can you?

Hey, I traded Percy Harvin and got a first round pick from Seattle when that dude was more radioactive than Fukushima.  I don't coach 'em.

Well, fair point.  Speaking of that, where the hell is Leslie at?

Door opens, in walks Frazier, offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave, and defensive coordinator Alan Williams...

Where have you guys been?

We've been at the Unicorn Zoo.

It's full of unicorns, bunnies, and rainbows.  And sometimes, even double rainbows.  But those unicorns are beautiful, aren't they, Alan?

I stand 15-25 yards back from any unicorn, like I teach my defensive backs to do when covering opposing wide receivers.  I can't see them.

Aaaaaaaaaaand I think we found our problem, boss.

What, don't you like unicorns and rainbows?

Two things, cookie. One, I would shit unicorn horns 24 hours a day, seven days a week if it meant we hoisted a Lombardi trophy. Two, if you ever...and I mean ever...ask me if I like unicorns again, I will impale you on the first goddamn unicorn horn that I find.

Hahaha, you're so funny Sco--

...

Sorry, Scott.

You're goddamn right you are.  Now, Leslie, why in the name of Valhalla are you at a god...damn...Unicorn Zoo? You do realize your football team is 1-4, right? And a shitty 1-4 at that?

Now Scott, calm down.  Everything is fine.  It's all good.  We have a great plan, we've got some great players, and we just need to clean up a couple things.

Hoarders don't have as much shit to clean up as you do.  Do you know how many miles I've driven and flown, and how many shitty hotels in shitty towns I've stayed at to watch shitty football games between shitty teams to find The Next Big Thing for this black hole of a team?  DO YOU? And when we do find you good players..WHAT HAPPENS?

I draft them?

...

//tinkles a little bit in his pants

SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP RICK!!  DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LES?

Well, I'd like to think we got some positive results with them, and we put players in position to succeed.

Well, if by positive results you mean a buddhist monk setting himself on fire with gasoline, then yeah, IT'S JUST UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS AROUND HERE.

I think what Scott is trying to say is that we need to make some changes.

Two things, Cookie. One, don't ever presume to know what I'm thinking again.  Two, that's EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.

Here's the deal, Les.  We need to shake things up.  Now, this team is such a tire fire right now, that there's no way anyone would want this job.  But we can't fire you either.

I think I'm ready.  I could do it.  You know, in a pinch.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

...

I could do it.

Really?  REALLY, cookie?  Show me your playbook.  NOW.

I said PLAYBOOK, not GAME PLAN OR GAME CARD.

Yeah, playbook.  That's it.

...

Why the fuck did we hire you?

My innovation.

Jesus Christ...

Um, Mr. Wilf? You mentioned wanting to make some changes. Are you going to fire me?

Fuck and no.  The only people that I know of that get paid for sitting around and doing nothing are government employees.  No Les, what I'm going to make you do is hire a football czar.  I'm too busy swindling former business partners back in New Jersey, so I'm going to give you ONE MORE CHANCE to prove yourself.  You get to make the hire, but I want it done fast, and I want shit to change around here.  You get me someone to change things around, and do it tomorrow.

The Next day.  Leslie Frazier stands in front of a podium at Winter Park, surrounded by local media, to include one Arif Hasan, reporting for the Daily Norseman, your one stop shop for Vikings news and information.

I want to thank you all for coming here on such short notice.  We've got a big announcement for the Minnesota Vikings organization, one I think will lead to a bright future.  We've added a Football Czar position, and I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce him to you.  Folks, please welcome Bob Bagsdadd.  Bob?

Thank you. I will now take questions from the the lying, propagandist, imperialist American media.

I think Christian Ponder sucks.  You agree with me, right?

Christian Ponder is going to the Hall of Fame.  He is the best quarterback in NFL history. Why do you think he sucks?

gives two hour Power Point, with pie charts, graphs, and all kinds of informational stuff.  Serious knowledge bomb dropped, yo...

Christian Ponder is going to the Hall of Fame.  He is the best quarterback in NFL history.

Then why did the Vikings start Matt Cassel the last two games?

We did not start Matt Cassel the last two games.

Wh-wai-YES...you did. It's on tape.  We all saw it.

Matt Cassel has not started the last two games.  That is American propaganda.

Fine, whatever.  Why did you sign Josh Freeman then?

Because Josh Freeman is the best quarterback in NFL history. He's going to the Hall of Fame.

You can't be serious.  He had one good year.  That's it.

He has lead the league in passing for the last decade. He is the best quarterback ever.

Unreal.  So, what's your plan for the defense?

THE GLORIOUS ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ WILL DEFEND THE HONOR OF HER PEOPLE AND REPEL THE IMPERIALIST AMERICAN DOG--um, I mean, there's nothing wrong with our defense.  It's really, really good.

BOB, the defense is the worst in the NFL.

No it's not. There's nothing wrong with the defense.

Dude, the Vikings defense has been shocked and awed worse than the Iraqi Army. Twice.

THAT IS AMERICAN MEDIA LIE! THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT! THERE ARE NO TANKS IN BAGHDAD, NONE!

Welp...

Shall I kill him, sir?

Yeah, make it look like an accident.  Like last time.