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Remain Calm, All Is Well

Time for disembodied heads piece? Time for a disembodied heads piece.

Unicorns, rainbows. Hug a puppy. It's all good.
Unicorns, rainbows. Hug a puppy. It's all good.
Hannah Foslien
DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER WILL ROBINSON:  The following parody as an ASSLOAD of swearing and naughty words.  But I was asked to do one of these a long time ago by some staff members, and because I like them, I'm finally getting around to doing it.  If your sensibilities are easily offended I have a couple rebuttals:  One, I don't care. Two, don't read it.  You've been warned...

Setting:  Winter Park.  There is an air of defeat in the air.  The Minnesota Vikings, struggling at 1-4, have a lot of issues, on both sides of the ball.  Owner Zygi Wilf has called a meeting to figure a game plan going forward.*

*I have no idea if any such meeting ever took place.  I assume it did. I mean, for the love of Miley's uncontrollable tongue, I hope to Hell when you're 1-4 there would be some sort of Come to Jesus Meeting somewhere.  But maybe it didn't.  I'm also pretty sure if it did take place, it didn't come anywhere near the way I'm about to describe it.

Actually, I'm positive it didn't come anywhere near the way I'm about to describe it..

Wilf_medium Gentlemen, I've had enough.  I want to know what the hell is going on.  I've got a half a billion dollars of worthless dogshit stinking up that stadium every week, and if I don't get any answers, some disembodied HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLL.

Spielman_head_shot_medium I'm pretty sure that smell is the Men's restrooms.  Those are awful. And the Vikings will be worth a lot closer to a billion dollars than half a million once the stadium is built.  Don't sell yourself short, boss.

Wilf_medium And I'm pretty goddamn sure that smell is my football team. And I wouldn't pay a warm bucket a piss to watch them right now.  But yeah, the restroom are pretty nasty, I'll give you that.

Spielman_head_shot_medium How much does a warm bucket of piss run a guy at Menard's these days?

Wilf_medium SHUT. UP.  How are you going to fix this mess?  Can you?

Spielman_head_shot_medium Hey, I traded Percy Harvin and got a first round pick from Seattle when that dude was more radioactive than Fukushima.  I don't coach 'em.

Wilf_medium Well, fair point.  Speaking of that, where the hell is Leslie at?

Door opens, in walks Frazier, offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave, and defensive coordinator Alan Williams...

Spielman_head_shot_medium Where have you guys been?

Frazier_head_shot_medium We've been at the Unicorn Zoo.

Musgrave_head_shot_medium It's full of unicorns, bunnies, and rainbows.  And sometimes, even double rainbows.  But those unicorns are beautiful, aren't they, Alan?

Williams_head_shot_medium I stand 15-25 yards back from any unicorn, like I teach my defensive backs to do when covering opposing wide receivers.  I can't see them.

Studwell_head_shot_medium Aaaaaaaaaaand I think we found our problem, boss.

Spielman_head_shot_medium What, don't you like unicorns and rainbows?

Studwell_head_shot_medium Two things, cookie. One, I would shit unicorn horns 24 hours a day, seven days a week if it meant we hoisted a Lombardi trophy. Two, if you ever...and I mean ever...ask me if I like unicorns again, I will impale you on the first goddamn unicorn horn that I find.

Spielman_head_shot_medium Hahaha, you're so funny Sco--




Spielman_head_shot_medium Sorry, Scott.

Studwell_head_shot_medium You're goddamn right you are.  Now, Leslie, why in the name of Valhalla are you at a god...damn...Unicorn Zoo? You do realize your football team is 1-4, right? And a shitty 1-4 at that?

Frazier_head_shot_medium Now Scott, calm down.  Everything is fine.  It's all good.  We have a great plan, we've got some great players, and we just need to clean up a couple things.

Studwell_head_shot_medium Hoarders don't have as much shit to clean up as you do.  Do you know how many miles I've driven and flown, and how many shitty hotels in shitty towns I've stayed at to watch shitty football games between shitty teams to find The Next Big Thing for this black hole of a team?  DO YOU? And when we do find you good players..WHAT HAPPENS?

Spielman_head_shot_medium I draft them?




Spielman_head_shot_medium//tinkles a little bit in his pants


Frazier_head_shot_medium Well, I'd like to think we got some positive results with them, and we put players in position to succeed.

Studwell_head_shot_medium Well, if by positive results you mean a buddhist monk setting himself on fire with gasoline, then yeah, IT'S JUST UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS AROUND HERE.

Spielman_head_shot_medium I think what Scott is trying to say is that we need to make some changes.

Studwell_head_shot_medium Two things, Cookie. One, don't ever presume to know what I'm thinking again.  Two, that's EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING.

Wilf_medium Here's the deal, Les.  We need to shake things up.  Now, this team is such a tire fire right now, that there's no way anyone would want this job.  But we can't fire you either.

Musgrave_head_shot_medium I think I'm ready.  I could do it.  You know, in a pinch.



Musgrave_head_shot_medium I could do it.

Studwell_head_shot_medium Really?  REALLY, cookie?  Show me your playbook.  NOW.


Studwell_head_shot_medium I said PLAYBOOK, not GAME PLAN OR GAME CARD.

Musgrave_head_shot_medium Yeah, playbook.  That's it.


Wilf_medium Why the fuck did we hire you?

Musgrave_head_shot_medium My innovation.

Studwell_head_shot_medium Jesus Christ...

Frazier_head_shot_medium Um, Mr. Wilf? You mentioned wanting to make some changes. Are you going to fire me?

Wilf_medium Fuck and no.  The only people that I know of that get paid for sitting around and doing nothing are government employees.  No Les, what I'm going to make you do is hire a football czar.  I'm too busy swindling former business partners back in New Jersey, so I'm going to give you ONE MORE CHANCE to prove yourself.  You get to make the hire, but I want it done fast, and I want shit to change around here.  You get me someone to change things around, and do it tomorrow.

The Next day.  Leslie Frazier stands in front of a podium at Winter Park, surrounded by local media, to include one Arif Hasan, reporting for the Daily Norseman, your one stop shop for Vikings news and information.

Frazier_head_shot_medium I want to thank you all for coming here on such short notice.  We've got a big announcement for the Minnesota Vikings organization, one I think will lead to a bright future.  We've added a Football Czar position, and I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce him to you.  Folks, please welcome Bob Bagsdadd.  Bob?

Baghdad_bob_medium Thank you. I will now take questions from the the lying, propagandist, imperialist American media.

Arif_medium I think Christian Ponder sucks.  You agree with me, right?

Baghdad_bob_medium Christian Ponder is going to the Hall of Fame.  He is the best quarterback in NFL history. Why do you think he sucks?

Arif_medium gives two hour Power Point, with pie charts, graphs, and all kinds of informational stuff.  Serious knowledge bomb dropped, yo...

Baghdad_bob_medium Christian Ponder is going to the Hall of Fame.  He is the best quarterback in NFL history.

Arif_medium Then why did the Vikings start Matt Cassel the last two games?

Baghdad_bob_medium We did not start Matt Cassel the last two games.

Arif_medium did. It's on tape.  We all saw it.

Baghdad_bob_medium Matt Cassel has not started the last two games.  That is American propaganda.

Arif_medium Fine, whatever.  Why did you sign Josh Freeman then?

Baghdad_bob_medium Because Josh Freeman is the best quarterback in NFL history. He's going to the Hall of Fame.

Arif_medium You can't be serious.  He had one good year.  That's it.

Baghdad_bob_medium He has lead the league in passing for the last decade. He is the best quarterback ever.

Arif_medium Unreal.  So, what's your plan for the defense?

Baghdad_bob_medium THE GLORIOUS ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC OF IRAQ WILL DEFEND THE HONOR OF HER PEOPLE AND REPEL THE IMPERIALIST AMERICAN DOG--um, I mean, there's nothing wrong with our defense.  It's really, really good.

Arif_medium BOB, the defense is the worst in the NFL.

Baghdad_bob_medium No it's not. There's nothing wrong with the defense.

Arif_medium Dude, the Vikings defense has been shocked and awed worse than the Iraqi Army. Twice.


Wilf_medium Welp...

Studwell_head_shot_medium Shall I kill him, sir?

Wilf_medium Yeah, make it look like an accident.  Like last time.