Minnesota Vikings Stock Market Report: Packers

Ohio State icon Woody Hates once said that nothing cleanses the soul like getting the Hell kicked out of you.  If that's true, the Vikings are ready to enter the Afterlife with as clean a soul as anyone who's ever crossed over.

The Green Bay Packers pretty much ran 7 on 7 drills against what we must technically call the Minnesota Vikings defense.  But make no mistake, they offered as much resistance to the Packers offense as the Kardashian family does to reveling in being trashy.  The 44-31 final score was nowhere near indicative of how non-competitive this game was, as the Packers offense dominated the Vikings defense so thoroughly I thought I was watching an NFL snuff film.

I've watched the Vikings for a long, long time, and I don't think I've ever seen a defense so completely and thoroughly whipped.  At every position, the Vikings were manhandled, and it was very early on that the Packers realized they couldn't be stopped.  They converted just about every third down, a few fourth downs, and didn't have to punt all night.  They ran and passed with impunity, and it was as awful as one could imagine.

This team is so bad, I don't even think an infusion of lawyers, guns, and money can help. Could it, Mr. Zevon?

I was gambling in Havana
I took a little risk
Send lawyers, guns and money
Dad get me out of this, hyeah

I'm the innocent bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between the rock
And a hard place
And I'm down on my luck
Yes I'm down on my luck
Well I'm down on my luck

I'm hiding in Honduras
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers, guns and money
The shit has hit the fan

Blue Chip Stocks:

None.  I can't even seriously entertain the idea of putting someone in this slot after what I just watched.

Solid Investments:

Nope, nothing here, either.  Maybe Kyle Rudolph.  Maybe Toby Gerhart.  Maybe.

EDIT: Cordarrelle Patterson: Yeah, this was an oversight on my part.  Mea culpa.  Patterson and Adrian Peterson were the only two guys that seemed to play with any emotion out there tonight, and he tied an NFL record with his 109 yard opening kickoff return.

Junk Bonds:

Everyone.  Seriously, start over from the top on down.  The coaching staff needs to go.  Frazier will hang around until the end of the year, simply because there isn't anyone capable of running an offense or defense, much less an entire team.  As to the players, seriously, trade what you can, stockpile picks, and just start from the ground up.  After tonight, there isn't one player on this team that's worth keeping, with maybe the exception of Adrian Peterson.  And at this point, if they can trade him to a contender, do it.  I'd hate to see him end up with a Barry Sanders career.  I thought at the beginning of the season this team was just some decent quarterback play away from being a pretty serious player in the NFC.  Obviously, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Buy/Sell:

Buy: This team has quit, with the exception of Adrian Peterson. The Vikings don't have much to play for, except pride.  And they didn't even show that.  Other than Peterson's 'get on my back' 8 yard TD run at the end of the half, no one on the Vikings, especially on the defense, looked like they wanted to be there.  It was one of the most embarrassing displays I have had to sit through, and when you think it can't get any worse, it actually does.  I thought Carolina was bad, but then the Monday Night game happened.  And now this performance.  Even when the Vikings scored a garbage TD in the fourth quarter, they didn't go for two, which would have gotten them within two scores.  Terrible.

Sell:  'Looking at the film, seeing some good things, and cleaning a few things up'. Seriously, Leslie, let's just call it like we see it.  If you find anything good about this defensive performance, you need to resign.  But you won't, and you won't get fired.  And you won't make any personnel changes.  Lovely, just lovely.

Buy:  Get rid of all three quarterbacks and start over. Matt Cassel is a career backup, you've lost Christian Ponder, and Josh Freeman has yet to complete 50% of his passes this year.  Seriously, blow it all up.  All of it.

Sell: Greg Jennings leaving the locker room without talking to the press. You're the one that ran your mouth about Aaron Rodgers during training camp.  I thought it was funny, don't get me wrong, but if something like this blows up in your face, man up and take the heat.  Yet you ran out of the locker room before the press could arrive.  Nice.  Also.  Calvin Johnson had more receiving yards in one game against Dallas (329) than you have all season (327).

Don Glover Quote Of The Week:

"This team couldn't tackle a whore laying on a bed."

Three notable items with that quote.  For one, it's 100% accurate, and it had me howling.  Two, the Packers scored more easily on the Vikings defense than if they were the Geico motorcycle guy that's made of money and walked in to said house of ill repute. And three, I have never, in my entire life, heard my father use the 'w' word before tonight.  Ever.  So congratulations, Minnesota Vikings of 2013, you provoked my father into saying 'whore'.  Well done.  Well done indeed.

With trade rumors surrounding Jared Allen and Toby Gerhart, the Vikings might be active before the Tuesday trade deadline, and all indications are the Vikings are indeed going to blow it up and start from scratch, or close to it.

At this point, I can't say it's a bad idea.