ow, what a crazy Thursday night, huh kids? Waking up this morning was kind of like waking up with a tequila blackout hangover. You look around, and your shirt's gone. The pants that you're wearing...if you have pants on at all...aren't yours, and they're quite possibly female.
You look around the room, and there are random clues as you try and piece the previous night together...steering wheel from a '66 Mustang. You don't own a '66 Mustang. Your shoes have been replaced by red cowboy boots, and for the love of Christ why is my fishing boat in my damn living room?
Then you roll over to find Kate Upton sleeping naked next to you, and you spent the night on a mattress of $100 bills.
YEAH NOW I REMEMBER LAST NIGHT I HIT THE LOTTERY AND IT WAS AWESOME BABY!!
Because this morning was like that for me, except I was in my regular sleeping clothes, there was no steering wheel, Kate Upton, or a money mattress. And I don't even own a boat. Yet.
But the Vikings did indeed hit the lottery.
But I wasn't quite sure I remembered what happened...and then it all came flooding back to me, in all it's glory. The Vikings had three of the top 29 picks, Rick Spielman made the rest of the NFL his bitch, and what started as an off-season of dread and uncertainty (Harvin traded, Winfield cut) last night turned in to a whirl of emotion that can only be described accurately in GIF form. Enjoy...
Draft evening started as expected. Offensive linemen went 1-2, and to be honest, I was a little bored.
Then the Rams moved up and grabbed Tavon Austin, which was a guy I hoped might slide to the Vikings. I knew it was an outside chance so I wasn't TOO upset, but was mildly irritated.
Then the Jets drafted a cornerback who has hands of stone and five surgeries. Because they traded the best CB in the NFL. LOL Jets.
Now we were getting close to the Bears at #20. A rumor spread earlier in the day that the Bears really liked Manti Te'o, and if the Vikings really wanted him they would have to move ahead of Chicago to get him. Were the Bears bluffing? Would Rick panic and move all his chips in on Te'o? It was kind of feeling like it.
Rich Eisen said on NFL Network we were ‘entering the Te'o Zone'. On Twitter, I surmised that was like the Twilight Zone, only with the third eye of 21st century media added in.
HAHAHAHA, you don't trick Rick Spielman, he tricks you. The Bears drafted an average offensive lineman...because Chicago. But hey, Shariff Floyd is still on the board. You don't suppose...NAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, they're taking Te'o. #23 is up. Pick is in. No trades. Just announce Te'o so I can be pissed we didn't get Floyd.
Wait, what? Shariff Floyd? SHARIFF FLOYD!?!? IS A VIKING?!?!?!
Now the Vikes are up again...no trades. Damn it, Colts took Bjoern Werner. Here comes Te'o. Buzzkill.
Wait, what? XAVIER RHODES? YEAH BABY!!! Rick Spielman, you magnificent son of a bitch, you!!
WOW. What a first round. I really need to step back for a minute and reflect on these two great picks...
Wait, what? Spielman left his press conference and SPRINTED to the phone? What gives? THE VIKINGS ARE TRADING BACK INTO THE FIRST ROUND FOR TE'O, AREN'T THEY?
Oh, God, I'm going to be sick, I think.
Wait, what? Adam Schefter says 4 picks for Te'o? I can already hear the laughing coming from Green Bay, Detroit, and Chicago. And the rest of the NFL.
Cordarelle Patterson? CORRDARELLE PATTERSON AND NOT TE'O? WOOOOOOOOOOO! U MAD NFC NORTH CUZ WE AIN'T EVEN MAD!
Rick Spielman? He bitch slapped the entire NFL.