NOTE: Mike Goldberg was pulled from this Sunday's game literally one minute after this posted. I have updated the story accordingly. YOU WON'T OUTFOX ME...Fox.
As we are all painfully aware, Mike Goldberg and Brendan Ayanbadejo were the Fox play by play team this past Sunday in the Vikings-Lions game, and if you missed it, it was bad. So bad. So, so bad.
How bad? Let me give you a sample call:
Goldberg: Bridgewater pitching from the stretch. Here's the jump shot...it's off the crossbar and caught in center field by Hoskin Powell, who corner kicks it in to Red Wings quarterback Isiah Thomas...who takes a one timer slap shot from the point....touchdown Chicago!
It was three hours of verbal Ebola, because at the end of it, we were all bleeding from our ears and just wanted to die. Sadly, Goldberg didn't care too much for the jabs he took on Twitter, as he lashed out at more than one person who called him out on his numerous...and ridiculous...errors.
For our sports sins, Fox is putting the dulcet tones of Goldberg and Ayenbadejo back in the broadcast booth to call the Vikings-Bills game this Sunday. Goldberg was so bad they replaced him with Tim Brando, who might be as bad. Brando's sidekick will still be Ayanbadejo, so one half of this dynamic duo will remain in tact, and for that, we can all be thankful. So, to help us get through the verbal and football Ebola this coming Sunday, let's come up with a drinking game, shall we?
Mike Goldberg Tim Brando:
Calls Teddy Bridgewater Teddy Roosevelt: Chug a Grain Belt.
Calls Teddy Bridgewater Franklin Roosevelt: Chug two Grain Belts
Calls Teddy Bridgewater Johhny Manziel: Do some lines of cocaine in a Las Vegas bathroom. Allegedly.
Calls Greg Jennings a Bills receiver: We rejoice and demand they take him at halftime. Take a shot.
Mentions Kyle Orton's facial hair: Take a shot and watch a 1970's porn movie at halftime.
Makes an offensive linemen/UFC mashup: Drink. EXAMPLE: Matt Kalil is so bad at blocking he shouldn't even think about entering the isosceles octagon.
Calls Norv Turner Cliff Claven: Drink, turn off the game and fire up episodes of Cheers on Netflix.
Says that 'I spoke to Norv Turner this week, and he's excited for this head coaching opportunity the Packers have given him.': Shotgun a Blatz.
Calls Mike Zimmer Joe Girardi: Break out into a 'Der-ek Je-ter clap clap clapclapclap' chant, put your hat on backwards, and start a fistfight with a complete stranger. Because you are now a douchebag bro Yankees fan. Also, drink.
Makes E.J Manuel/Christian Ponder comparison because they both went to Florida State: Open a vein and weep. Take three shots. Get blocked by Sam Ponder on Twitter.
Calls Bills RB Boobie Dixon Titties Dixon: Spit beer through your nose. Then drink it.
Calls Bills RB Fred Jackson Fred Sanford: Take a shot. And wait for him to correct 'Fred Sanford' to 'Lamont'. Or 'Grady'.
Makes a Mario Williams and Mario Kart or Mario Brothers reference: One shot for Mario Kart 64. Three shots if he mentions Luigi.
Calls Bills T Seantrel Henderson E.J. Henderson: One shot.
Calls Seantrel Henderson Erin Henderson: Two shots...and call a designated driver. Too soon?
Calls Seantrel Henderson E.J.'s brother who used to play for the Vikings: Shotgun two beers.
Calls Vikings LB Gerald Hodges Gerald Allen: Take a shot and email Fox to bring back Brian Billick because even though he couldn't ever get Jared Allen's name pronounced correctly, he didn't butcher a game like this Sweeney Todd behind the mic does.
Calls Buffalo New York City: Take a shot.
Calls Buffalo Manhattan: Two shots.
Calls Buffalo Manhattan, Kansas: Shot of whole grain alcohol while Googling 'where the Hell is Manhattan Kansas'.
Calls Bills Coach Doug Marrone Bill Snyder and references the miraculous job he did at Kansas State, which is located in Manhattan KS and is replicating here in New England...something you didn't know until you Googled that shit: Drink of your choice.
Calls Vikings CB Captain Munnerlyn First Lieutenant Munnerlyn: Drink. Prepare for open ranks inspection. Eat an MRE for lunch.
Calls new Bills owner Terry Pegula office linebacker Terry Tate: Take a shot of Crown Royal. Pegula's rich, yo.
Makes Jon Bon Jovi 'Livin' on a Prayer' or 'Who Says You Can't Go Home' metaphor during the game: Three beers, tease your hair at halftime.
Opens the game by welcoming you to Toronto, home of the Bills and new owner Jon Bon Jovi: Shot gun three Molson Goldens and two Labatt's Light beers. Don a tuk for the remainder of the game, eh?
Mentions that Bills defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz is happy to be back in the NFC North and working for Don Zimmer, Bears coach: Shotgun three beers, flip your couch over, and throw your dog through the front window. Then yell at your kids for being undisciplined.
Pronounces Cordarrelle Patterson Corduroy Patterson: Two shots. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of corduroy pants.
Mentions that Bills DL coach Pepper Johnson went to Ohio State and was a standout player for Earle Bruce: Stop drinking, because this silly sumbitch finally got something right.
If Brendan Ayanbadejo says Hodor: Drink mead. Turn game off and binge watch Game of Thrones.
You got any you want to add? Let's hear 'em.
Oh, and in true
Mike Goldberg Tim Brando spirit, we hope to have a great game with the Buffalo Sabres AA baseball team this coming Thursday. I hear your new stadium in Miami is nice. ROLL TIDE. S-E-C, S-E-C!!!