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Oh, A World Series Game 7? No. Don’t Do This To Yourself.

At first I was going to write a hate piece… until I came to the understanding that willfully watching baseball is a sickness. I’m here to help people, because I love you.

Billy Crystal is just one of the many, many people who need help because of baseball.
Billy Crystal is just one of the many, many people who need help because of baseball.
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Once upon a time in America's past, baseball was known as our "national pastime". It was synonymous with apple pie, hot dogs, and kicking Nazi butt. (You're still welcome for that, rest of the world.) And that was ok, not just because America's past may not be totally perfect, but because it made historical sense. See, there were several reasons why baseball would be America's most popular sport in days of yore. One particular reason was that back in the day, you could die from all sorts of stuff. It made sense then that our favorite sport had to be relatively low-key, with just some jogging and playing catch, because you needed left over energy to fight bears. Plus, Americans were too busy saving the world and leading the industrial revolution to be able to apply much brainpower to whatever they were watching. I mean, if I spent all day inventing the telephone and the car, I'd really want to watch the simplest stuff available afterwards. Hey, there's two guys playing catch, and a guy with a stick trying to swat at the ball in between. Simple enough, perfect!

But c'mon people. Have we not grown enough as a society as to leave this simplistic relic of our past behind? People are all excited for the World Series Game 7 tonight (well, there's like a few people excited... thankfully, we are growing to reject this vestigial aspect of our society) and I'm just confused. Baseball? I mean, BASEBALL? Gawd is there nothing else on to watch?

I understand that back in the day there were 3 television channels. One had baseball, one had news, and one was just a screen shot of Teddy Roosevelt giving you a thumbs up. But we have millions of channels now, and we don't have to settle for stickball-jog-jog. A quick review of my local TV guide shows that there's a rerun of Golden Girls going on during baseball. There you go! You don't have to do this to yourselves!

But that's the thing- people CHOOSE to do this to themselves, but much like heroin junkies, I've come to realize that they just need help. And that's what I intend to do.

Baseball is hands down the most boring life decision anyone can make when it comes to sports viewership, and the arguments for continuing this dead tradition are the confused self-deluding lies of someone desperate to justify the unjustifiable. "It's a thinking man's sport", one person has told me. Huh? If it's such a thinking man's sport, why does Ted Glover love it so much? And why does everyone have to be drunk to enjoy it? All I have ever heard is that "if you go to a game live, you'll enjoy it!". First off, BS- I have been to a live game, and it was horrific. But all that's really code for anyways is "if you go to a game, buy a bunch of beer, get good and sloshed, then chow down on six or seven hot dogs until you're nearly in a food coma/ heart episode, it's not totally horrible. Also, you'll be broke." I went to the Bucs-Vikings game on Sunday (WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO), and as pathetic a game as it was, I did in fact enjoy myself, and I didn't have a single drink during. (Rent's due yo, it's either have a place to live or spend my entire rent money on one beverage.) The worst football game is infinitely better than the best baseball game, live or televised.

"Baseball players are warriors, they're out there constantly playing a ton of games!" First off, no. Hockey players are warriors, because they play more games, and they actually do real sportsing stuff during. I'm pretty sure baseball players could do it all year, and the worst injuries they'll face are wore out tendons because all you do is move the same arm over and over. Shoot, play Golden Tee enough and you'll have tendonitis too, but I'm not about to call you ‘a true sports warrior' for it. There's no flopping in baseball because they don't have the chance- nobody gets touched, which drives me insane. These guys just let the dude run right by them on the way home, and unless they manage to play a quick game of catch during, there's crap they can do about it. How do you stand that?? Every time baseball is on and I have no choice but to watch it, I nearly have a stroke over that crap. TACKLE HIM, HE'S RIGHT THERE!!!

All these excuses about how ‘baseball is not terrible' are your feeble attempts to rationalize a horrible habit, and deep down, you know this. You can break the cycle. I believe in you, each and every one.

The best thing according to baseball weirdos is a ‘no hitter' game. This means that the best thing to happen in your sport of choice is NOTHING. Nothing happens, and that's the best thing ever. How many ways can I rewrite that statement? It doesn't matter, because it makes absolutely no sense no matter how I put it. This game enshrines nothingness, and yet there are those of you tonight who will pick up a remote control, change the channel from MTV or VH1 or whatever-the-devil you children watch these days, and watch baseball willfully.

MLB is truly lucky to have Game 7 tonight, because guess what- if it were tomorrow, the vast majority of people would choose to watch a crappy TNF game instead, and then Bud Selig would cry. (Selig is still around, right? His name seems familiar.) Those of you who disagree, stop doing this to yourselves. You have value. You have worth. The mental self-mutilation that is watching a baseball game is no cure for the pain in your heart. There are so many other ways you can ease the troubles that must surely plague you. Have you perhaps considered drinking? Oh right- you're baseball fans, of course you drink. Perhaps you could try testosterone replacement and energy drinks. You'll be so wired for life at that point you will see through the dull haze of baseball... and possibly also see new colors, be really careful about mixing that stuff. (NECESSARY DISCLOSURE- my lawyer has advised me to include here that I am not a trained medical professional, as my Estonian medical degree has been revoked.)

Don't do this to yourselves, people. Django Unchained is on Netflix! That'll last you a good half of the game tonight, and then you can, like, go and play hopscotch or something for the rest of the time until the sportsing world comes back to its senses and does away with this baseball scourge for yet another year. You can do this. You can break this horrible habit, and I am here to help.

You're welcome.