Scene: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's office in New York. He is sitting alone at his desk, watching a 90" TV tuned to the Sports Conglomerate Channel...
..."and so, it appears that the Adrian Peterson child neglect case has been resolved, at least in the eyes of the Texas legal system. The only thing remaining is what the NFL will or won't do to Peterson in terms of further suspension. From Texas, this is Biff Ishityouknot, Global Sports Conglomerate reporting."
...clicks TV off
Well, maybe everyone has forgotten about this by now. We're halfway into an exciting 2014 season.
It depends. Who is this?
It's Rusty Hardin, attorney for Adrian Peterson.
Ja Ja, zis ees not Ruger Good-dool. Zis ees Franz of ze Deutsch-Amerikanisch Friendship Organization, ja? You haf dialed ze wrong number, ja?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll have my secretary check the number, and since we only talked for seven seconds, I'll only bill you for an hour. We'll call it a flat $1,500. Tschuss!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA...that was easy, what a dumbass. Big shot lawyer Rusty Hardin, I JUST MADE YOU MY BITCH with the oldest trick in the book. With an attorney like that, how did Peterson not get 25 years in prison? Man, what a dope. Those Germans are gonna be pissed when they get that bill. But if they had won the war, they wouldn't be owing Hardin $1,500, would they?
DAMN IT. I have to get out of here and go strong arm someone to move to London. This had better be good.
Hallo, hier ist Frau Wiggins, der Suche nach der deutsch-amerikanischen Freundschaft Organisation. Habe ich erreicht die richtige Anzahl?
Holy Jesus lady, are you having an epileptic seizure or speaking a foreign language? If it's the former, hang up and dial 9-1-1. If it's the latter, speak English, fergodsakes. BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA BABY AND I AM ROGER GOODELL, KING OF THIS BITCH.
halten Sie bitte
German-American Friendship Organization, Roger? Really?
DAMN IT. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOUR SECRETARY SPEAKS GERMAN?
Seriously, how did you become commissioner of the NFL? Did you eat more paint chips as a kid than the other candidates, or what?
Maybe? What does that have to do with anything? AND HEY I'M SMART...and stuff.
Yeah, whatever. Did you get the paperwork I sent over regarding the Peterson case? We'd like a resolution on this matter so he can get back out on the field and play.
Don't be an ass, Roger. Peterson. Adrian Peterson.
Never heard of her.
Roger, quit being an idiot, if that's possible. You know damn good and well who and what I'm talking about. Removing Adrian Peterson from the Commissioner's Exempt List so he can get back on the field and play for the Minnesota Vikings.
Nope. No idea what you're talking about.
So I guess we're done here.
No, Roger. This isn't Mark Dayton and the politicians in Minnesota. You just can't walk into a room, threaten to put a horse head in Dayton's bed, and an hour later come out with a new stadium. You know why that is Roger?
Because I never sleep. Ever. And I hate horses.
DAMN IT FINE WHAT DO YOU WANT RUSTY? AND SERIOUSLY ARE YOU 12 WHAT'S WITH THE NAME RUSTY?
It's a nickname your Mom gave me.
So can we get on with this?
Good. Now, you put Peterson on the Exempt List right after week one. He's been on it for eight games, and we think that should count as a suspension, and he should be allowed to play immediately.
Because I said so.
Because you said so? What kind of bullshit legal ground is that?
It's the Ipso Per Reluntum Saidus So Facto clause of the American Legal system. It's cited in Mom versus teenager, State of Minnesota.
You're just making shit up as you go along now, aren't you?
No. Maybe. LOOK WE HAVE A VERY CLEAR AND SPECIFIC TABLE OF PENALTIES.
You do? Can you send it to me via .pdf?
P-D-F...pretty damn fast? I'll do ya one better, Mr. hotshot lawyer. How's email grab you? That's better than pretty damn fast. That's like almost instantaneous. You got email way down there in Texas? Because here in New York City, we're on the cutting edge of everything.
Somebody's paying you to be this stupid, aren't they? No one is this dumb naturally, except maybe your average Packers fan. But yeah, whatever Roger, use you fancy-shmancy email thingy. I think I can handle it.
Okay, let me open it up. Click...click...click
This...you're not...no way...how the...you're shitting me, Roger. You have to be shitting me.
What's the issue? It's pretty cut and dried.
Roger, this is a flow chart of stupid, man.
IT IS NOT. I CREATED IT MYSELF AFTER ONE FULL HALF HOUR OF THINKING.
The Commissioner's Exempt List isn't even on here.
Look, you keep talking about this list. I have a lot of lists. I have a daily to do list, a grocery list, an enemies list, but I have no idea what you're talking about with this 'exempt' list.
What?!?! YOU PUT ADRIAN PETERSON ON IT WHEN HIS LEGAL TROUBLES CAME TO LIGHT, REMEMBER?
Yeah, I just made that up. I'm good at making shit up. Did you see my Ray Rice press conference? That was all 100% made up. It was pretty good, too.
It was the worst thing I have ever seen broadcast on American television.
Worse than Honey Boo Boo?
Oh. Well then, maybe we should get this settled then.
Cool, sounds good to me. So he can suit up for Chicago next week, then?
Maybe. Pick a number between 1 and 16.
See you in court, bitch.