Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for the airing of grievances on this Festivus for the rest of us. I will go first, and we'll have some of our other Daily Norseman writers jumping in as the afternoon continues to contribute a little something to the pot as well. Also, feel free to use the comments section for airing your grievances as well. We can have some fun with this.
I will take the most obvious of grievances for fans of the Minnesota Vikings, that being a grievance against Commissioner Roger Goodell. Yes, what Adrian Peterson did to his son this off-season was bad, and the excuses that have been made for it are worse. However, the way Roger Goodell has handled this entire situation has been a joke from the very start, as it was obvious that he simply made up the rules for this whole thing as he went along. He even got one of his assistants, Troy Vincent, to lie. . .not misinterpret a league policy, but outright lie. . .to Peterson in order to have the opportunity to drop the hammer on him.
This was after he screwed up the Ray Rice matter. In the Rice matter, Goodell determined that even with (as announcers and officials might say) indisputable visual evidence, the appropriate punishment for a man that punched a woman in the face hard enough where he potentially could have killed her was a two-game suspension. And don't tell me that he didn't see the video before he made that determination. . .there's too much evidence that suggests that he did. As much as I don't like what Peterson did, at least you can make something of an argument that he was attempting to discipline his child. However, as far as I know, there's only one reason that you punch another human being in the face.
So, Roger Goodell, I will say that I am very disappointed in you, and just as disappointed in the NFLPA for allowing you the ability to serve as judge, jury, and executioner in matters such as these. You have brought disgrace to the National Football League, but you're still going to be getting that sweet, sweet paycheck, so I'm guessing you really don't care.
More grievances to come!
There were a lot of things about the 2014 Minnesota Vikings that caused me distress as a fan, and I'm thankful to be able to air those grievances in this article. But if I had to choose one, it would have to be player injuries. Every year injuries mount up for every team across the NFL: it's a fact of playing a violent sport where 200 to 300-pound men throw themselves at each other for 3 hours long. Injuries are inevitable. But here is the list of Vikings starters who missed games for the Vikings (games missed is in parenthesis):
Matt Cassel (13)
Brandon Fusco (13)
Kyle Rudolph (6)
Chad Greenway (3)
Teddy Bridgewater (1)
Shariff Floyd (3)
Matt Asiata (1)
Phil Loadholt (5)
Jerick Mckinnon (5)
Anthony Barr (4)
Robert Blanton (1)
Charlie Johnson (3)
At one point in the season we had 5 out of 11 week 1 starters on offense not on the field. Yuck.
UPDATE THE SECOND
Ted's grievances: I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE!! Who, specifically?
YOU, Cordarrelle Patterson. If I had played fantasy football this year, I would have drafted you higher than you probably would have warranted, and you would have cost me money. You have gone from electric kickoff returner to a dead battery, and as a receiver you might as well be on a milk carton. Your game is as exciting as a hand of solitaire right now.
YOU, Blair Walsh. You were as automatic at scoring as the guy that walked into a Bangkok house of ill repute wearing a suit made of $100 bills. Until this year. Now, you have field goal Ebola, Fieldgoala, and a lot of your attempts have more drama than a teenage girl's day at school. You are almost back to being called The Blair Walsh Project.
YOU, safeties not named Harrison Smith. I had hopes that one of you...any of you, could step up and play good football. Robert Blanton was first up, and got allergic to tackling. And covering. And most everything else required to be a safety. Next up? Andrew Sendejo, only he pulled both hamstrings and calf during warmup, and gave himself a concussion when he fell to the turf. There's going to be a new safety opposite Smith next year, at least if you believe in the power of Festivus Miracles.
YOU, Captain Munnerlyn. If I had my way, I would demote you to lieutenant, and you would be cleaning bathrooms in the TCF Bank restrooms for week 17. Your game is as messed up as Minneapolis highways during a rush hour blizzard, and I feel your paycheck hasn't been a salary as much as it has been a season long charitable donation to some suspicious halfway house for recovering cornerbacks that has a questionable accounting history.
YOU, Jeff Locke. As a punter, your job is to flip field position, not enhance it for the opponent, or did you not get that memo?
There, that about does it. Now, on to the feats of strength. Kyle will attempt to bench press Pat and Kevin Williams. Simultaneously.
UPDATE, PART THREE
Skol Girl has a grievance, and I shall add it for her.
@DailyNorseman Don't have time to write it up, but I have a Festivus grievance to air--the Vikings offensive line. What the hell?— Allison M. (@skolgirldn) December 23, 2014
To be honest, I think that pretty well sums it up. What the hell, indeed.
Eric's grievances! First of all, I got a big problem with the virus that has been going around this holiday season. It delayed my airing of grievances until now. My poor daughter caught the bug Sunday night. She went almost an entire year without being sick, and now two days before Christmas she's barely eating and completely lethargic. If she can't bounce off the walls and tear through her presents like a normal 20-month-old on Thursday, it just won't be fair! OK, now onto the Vikings grievances.
I can't believe we made it this far without specifically bringing up Matt Kalil. (Although SG chipped in with the entire offensive line.) We've all had our shots at our favorite left tackle throughout the season so I won't elaborate on how disappointing the former #4 overall pick has been this year. The worst part about the whole Kalil debacle? He hasn't been terrible these past few games, which means he could sucker the coaching staff and front office into thinking he's a viable option next year. Matt, if you're gonna suck, suck enough to clear a roster spot for someone that doesn't suck in 2015!
I also have a huge beef with whoever assigns announcers to each NFL game. I know the Vikings don't exactly deserve top billing, but Mike effing Goldberg?! Really? If it isn't a former MMA announcer butchering names of players he doesn't know, it's Tony Siragusa wasting our time with pointless nuggets of information. Or Ronde Barber saying Ronde Barber things. The Vikings are usually tough enough to watch on their own; don't make them tough to listen to as well.
I'd like to air my final grievance to Adrian Peterson. Yes, you were unfairly made into a scapegoat by Roger Goodell so he could once again stand on some bullshit moral high ground. Yes, you should be reinstated by now. But here's an idea--how about not taking a switch to your kid? Every time I think about how differently things might have gone for the Vikings if AP had played all 16 games, it makes me feel like this:
This whole fiasco made my THREE Peterson jerseys obsolete and made my daughter's middle name (Adrian) a lifelong reminder that I might be a little too emotionally invested in the Vikings.
OK, I feel better now. It's a Festivus miracle!
MY TURN I'M A DAY LATE DOOOON'T CARE
I GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
Chris Gates- Your disturbing ability to create Vikings news simply by falling asleep creeps me out and makes me fully believe that you are a warlock and therefore evil.
Ted Glover- Your constant attempts to continually connect me to everything bad that happens in Florida is really starting to blow my cover. STOP IT, BEING THE SECRET JOKER IS HARD ENOUGH ALREADY.
Eric Thompson- The puns. Oh my G-d, the puns. You are a curse upon the eyes and the feeble, fragile shell that remains of my mind (destroyed by you, with your puns). HAVE YOU NO DECENCY SIR?!
Arif Hasan- Your non-stop slaughter of big cats is truly leaving this world a lesser place. LIONS ARE MAGNIFICENT. CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY.
Di Murphy- ANSWER ONE OF MY MAILBAG QUESTIONS, DAMMIT.
MarkSP18- WHY WON'T YOU JUST WEAR THAT PONDER JERSEY I SENT YOU ALREADY YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL BAD.
CCNorseman- Math is hard, and your constant attempts to ruin my social opiate of choice with it is really bringing my quality of life down.
Skol Girl- ...got nothing. You're a lovely person. Rock on!
KJSegall- You're an ass who can't remember to post your airing of grievances on the actual Festivus, and yet you did it anyways the next day. What is wrong with you?! YOU'RE WHY THE DAILY NORSEMAN CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS YOU JERK.