Hi kids. If you've followed my nonsensical rants for anything longer than it takes to drink a cup of coffee, I kind of feel sorry for you, but you're also at an advantage that other readers don't have--you are a Rickspeak expert. Neophytes in the verbal ways of Rickspeak Jedi Master Rick Spielman and his young Padawan Mike Zimmer think they're just giving us typical NFL cliches and BS.
But we know better, don't we? THAT IS SUCH A RHETORICAL QUSTION BECAUSE YES WE DO!
We know Rickspeak is a heightened form of communication that can only be detected by dogs and readers of these Rickspeak interpretations. Because I have been able to break the mystery that is the Rosetta Stone called Rick Spielman.**
**I haven't decoded jack damn it, and I can't solve the mystery of the missing sock when it comes out of a dryer, so to even think I know the true meaning behind what they say is ludicrous, at best. This is just really fun to do, and it's become kind of popular. And I am a shameless blogger and click whore, beholden to the corporate man, as it were.
The GM and our new coach are at the NFL combine in Indianapolis, and both guys have wrapped up their press conferences. Spielman spoke yesterday, and Zimmer just wrapped up his first non 'hey I just got hired so let's talk by God football' presser a little while ago. We'll have Zimmer's presser up in a bit, once I can find a transcript, so for now, we'll just concentrate on Spielman. As always, what Rick said will be first, and what they actually meant will follow. :
What Rick Said: First I’d like to just start off by saying just getting an opportunity to work with Mike Zimmer over the last month has been incredible. Not only as his reputation as a good football coach but working with him side-by-side over the last month -- how he operates in the office, what he does in the film room – has been very educational for myself, and I’ve learned a lot about him. His work ethic, and he put a tremendous staff together and I feel very strong about the staff that we have going forward and how we’ve all worked together.
What Rick Meant: If I made a mistake hiring this guy, I'm so fired. So as far as you people are concerned, he's Bud Grant, Bill Belichick, and Chuck Noll all rolled in to one guy. Dude has mad skills, yo.
What Rick Said: We’ve spent a lot of time, we had eight days in draft meetings, before we came here with just myself and the scouts. I know the coaches have been working on the X’s and O’s part of it and then in the afternoon they’ve been doing a lot of evaluations. It’s extremely important for us so I have an idea of what they think of our current roster and the players that are under contract as we put our game plan going forward on how we’re going to address our needs. What type of guys fit in the system he wants to run and do we have those guys on our current roster. Where we’re going to have to go in free agency, what we’re going to be looking at in the draft.
What Rick Meant: Mike's watched a lot of shitty football over the last week, and the main trait he wants is guys that 'don't suck ass'. We've got our work cut out for us.
Rick was then asked about Cordarrelle Patterson, and how he will make sure he doesn't get lost in the new offensive system. No really, he was asked that:
What Rick Said: I know Norv already put in 10 plays for him. That’s the first thing he was doing when he was putting the X’s and O’s part of it together. He is a unique talent. Last year, we were able to collect three first round draft picks and felt very strong about him where we did trade back up in the first round to get him and know what type of unique traits that he has as an athlete just not only because of his speed and movement skills, but his size. When we did trade Percy Harvin away last year, we wanted to get that dynamic returner back. We wanted to get a guy that had traits Percy Harvin had for us and it’s a young guy that I think is going to continue to develop, and I expect him to thrive under Norv.
What Rick Meant: Patterson is awesome, and I made a great trade. Bill Musgrave sucked as the offensive coordinator. Norv Turner doesn't.
He was then asked: Can you tell us what type of plays those 10 plays are?
What Rick Said: Yeah, right after this if you guys want the book. We’ll get it to you.
What Rick Meant: Sorry, I was thinking this was still the 'Bill Musgrave Playbook On A Cocktail Napkin.' Go swim in a pool full of farts.
Question: What is your evaluation of Jake Matthews?
What Rick Said: I was actually down at Texas A&M on one of my trips this fall and that’s a player that stayed in, probably could’ve came out last year and been a high draft pick but the maturity that he shows and the technique that he shows.
What Rick Meant: I don't have one. I was there to watch Johnny Manziel.
Question: Do you always account bloodline?
What Rick Said: Yeah you always have to look at it individually. Me and my brother had bloodlines, but I was a little bit more stiffer than him. That’s why I’m doing what I’m doing right now and he was a great player.
What Rick Meant: My brother Chris Spielman gave me a stiffy when I watched him play, because he was the best Ohio State linebacker ever.
Question: Do you have a franchise QB on your roster?
What Rick Said: Well, right now that’s the process we’re going through. Christian Ponder is our only quarterback under contract right now. And if you look at Christian and look at these he’s been through over the last few years, last year he started out strong, went into a dip. The encouraging thing was he came out of that dip and played very well down the stretch. That last game against Green Bay got us into the playoffs. This year that consistency or net step forward didn’t happen. There are games when you watch him play the Washington Redskins game or watch him play in Green Bay, he’s playing at a very high level. Then there are some other games when he hasn’t been.
What Rick Meant: No. No, we do not. Not even close.
The press asked some more questions, which were boring and terrible. Then we got to some better ones, like the possibility of trading down.
What Rick Said: I have a bit of a history of moving up and down in the draft, so if there's a guy that I think we may be able to get in the second, third, maybe fourth round, and just getting the pulse of how guys are coming off the board, if we have enough draft picks to move up and down -- and fortunately, we do -- then we'll be aggressive and go up and get that guy at a certain point in the draft.
What Rick Meant: I'm as unstable as as a drunk, crazy girlfriend who just got a text from her old boyfriend, so just step back and LET RICKY DO THAT VOODOO THAT HE DO SO WELL BABY AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY, WOOOOOOOOO!