Ahhh, the NFL Draft. When Blake Bortles got picked by Jacksonville, every mock draft everywhere got blown up like a terrorist getting attacked by a drone, and we all rejoiced. At least I did, because I was frickin' sick of mock drafts, yo.
Look, I've got nothing against Blake Bortles, and I hope he has a great career in the land of the seat tarps, but when he went off the board, I really, really...REALLY got my hopes up for Johnny Football or Teddy Bridgewater.
A lot of mocks had Bortles going to the Vikings at 8, and with all the pre-draft rumors that hit the street regarding Bridgewater and the other QB's, it seemed that the board was set up nicely for the Vikings. And as the draft progressed through the fifth pick, when Oakland selected Khalil Mack, it seemed like Manziel or Bridgewater to the Vikings was fate. And with the eighth pick, they were both on the board.
Then the Vikings traded down one spot with Cleveland and got an extra fifth rounder, and Cleveland was rumored to like JFF. No biggie, Teddy's still there. We'll be fine.
Only the Browns didn't pick Manziel.
And they were still both on the board.
And the Vikings didn't pick either of them. And then later we heard the Vikings might or might not have missed out on Manziel.
Oh, no. The Minnesota Vikings have somehow dropped below the Browns in draft incompetence? Is this really happening? Yeah, yeah it is. Embrace the suck, as we used to say in special ops.
Then my night regressed into drink and sorrow. And anger. And things said on Twitter. Lots of things. Some funny, most drunken madness. I had this half written at one point, and every other word was a variation of 'fornicate', 'feces', and sucking on an all day skin lollipop. Then, our old friend Seattle made a cameo appearance, the Vikings made a trade with them, and SHIT GOT REAL YO.
Then my Twitter feed BLEW...THE...HELL...UP. Seriously, it was moving so fast I think I got vertigo at one point.
Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don't hold it back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I'll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don't waste your time
Because I'm happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I'm happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I'm happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I'm happy
Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do
You SMR with oversized drill sergeant hats follows.
Blue Chip Stocks:
Rick Spielman, GM, Uberboss, and someone smarter than you: Seriously, that was freaking awesome. When the Vikings picked Anthony Barr, a guy that's going to be very good, I was admittedly bummed. This is nothing against Barr, but the fan in me wanted a big time quarterback. As the draft unfolded, it seemed like the draft board was unfolding in a way that would allow the Vikings to get back into the first round and make another run at Manziel, but Cleveland grabbed him, trading with Philly and grabbing Manziel. Rick Spielman looked like he had been had...by the goddamn Browns, of all teams.
And just when it was darkest before the dawn, the Vikings swung a trade with Seattle, got back into the first round, and drafted Teddy Bridgewater. Rick Spielman is a mad genius and will not tolerate your weakness, vacillation, cowardice, and uncertainty. Because you do not have balls of steel, and he does. And you are a lesser person.
Cleveland: So the Vikings traded with Cleveland again, and moved down one spot, again. This time, they only got a fifth round pick out of it, but C'MON MAN THIS WAS CLEVELAND AND THEY DRAFTED JUSTIN GILBERT LOLOLOL. Then the Vikings drafted Anthony Barr. Oh. Ahem. Then Cleveland cock blocked the Vikings, traded with Philly, and swiped Manziel. Well done, Cleveland. Well done. For awhile, it looked like the Browns got the best of the Vikings. They didn't, but they had a great night.
Teddy Bridgewater: HEY HEY HEY REMEMBER THE TANK FOR TEDDY CROWD AND ALL THAT BULLSHIT? Yeah, not so much. I don't know why Bridgewater dropped; it's one of the more illogical things I've seen in recent draft memory, and if we pushed this draft back to when it was normally held in April, I am of the firm belief he is not around at 32. He might have been at eight, but not 32. I really think the Vikings have a true franchise QB, and I'm ecstatic about Bridgewater being a Viking. Ecstatic.
Anthony Barr, LB: Admittedly, I would have been upset if the Vikings had ended the night with the only pick being Barr. This is nothing against him; this is the fan in me being a fan. Of the top linebackers, I had Barr behind Khalil Mack and C.J. Mosley (and maybe even behind Ryan Shazier, but there's an OSU homerism factor there) but when I step back and really look at this pick, I like it. Barr seems like a perfect linebacker for Mike Zimmer's defense, and I think he'll be a good player for a long time. I'm going to warm up to this pick, and it's not the player at all that causes me to give the downgrade. It's the circumstances involved. Unfair? Yeah, probably. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON'T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE.
None. 32 young men just realized their lifelong dream of playing in the NFL and got rich in the process. I may be a caustic, sarcastic ass, but I'm not gonna be Skip Bayless, for God sakes. Congratulations to everyone, even the NFC North picks. May you all end up in the Hall of Fame one day.
Buy: Trading Down With Cleveland. I love trading with Cleveland. It always ends up working out for the Vikings. Trading with Cleveland is like a 3 AM booty call, it's like a sure thing. I hope we do it every year. Move down one spot and get an extra fifth rounder? Sure, why not?
Sell: The Vikings situation at about 9:45 PM CST. Because there's a new sheriff in town in Cleveland, and it ain't Kevin Costner. That's why not. After they picked Johnny Football, Jay Glazer broke this tidbit:
Vikings thought they had a deal w eagles and browns came w better offer— Jay Glazer (@JayGlazer) May 9, 2014
Wait, WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ? Okay, Cleveland, game on. GAME ON, BITCHES. I can't describe how pissed off I was. Well, actually, I can. Just go read my Twitter feed. It was bad. Soooooooooooo bad. I'm almost ashamed. Almost. Glad my parents didn't see that.
What's that? My mother's here? Oh. Hi ma. I know. Yes, I know it was bad. I'm sorry, Mom. Yes, it was largely uncalled for. Yes, my language was inappropriate. Yes, it IS, in fact, just a game. Yes, I understand that how I act reflects on you, and Dad, and how I was raised. Yes, I love you, too, but can we talk about this later? GOD YOU'RE LIKE EMBARRASSING ME AND STUFF MOM JEEEEEZ.
Wait...my Dad is here, too? Shit.
What's that, Dad? Yes sir. Yes sir. Yes sir. Yes, I do understand that this is a one way conversation. No, actually, I would like to be able to sit down without it hurting sometime this week. Yes, I'll apologize to her right now. I'm sorry, Mom. You didn't embarrass me, I embarassed you. It won't happen again.
Buy: Trade With Seattle. I wasn't at the draft party, and I don't live in Minnesota, but if my Twitter feed was a 25% accurate representation of the feeling of the Vikings fans...there was a mutiny developing. I understood defense at eight, but not picking Manziel/Bridgewater and taking Anthony Barr instead of defensive guys like C.J Mosley or Darqueze Dennard, well...there was a lot of WTF combined with OH NOES going on.
I'm not saying Spielman had to make this deal to get Bridgewater, but he HAD TO MAKE THIS DEAL to get Bridgewater to keep from alienating the fanbase. The fact that he was able to keep both third round picks, and only gave up the second round and a fourth round pick is almost gravy. Honestly, I think most fans would have been okay with one, if not both, of the third round picks going back to Seattle if it meant getting Bridgewater. It was that big of a deal.
So Rick Spielman ends up with two more first round picks this year, and a total of seven in three years as the man with the final authority. Matt Kalil, Harrison Smith, Shariff Floyd, Xavier Rhodes, Cordarrelle Patterson, Anthony Barr, and Teddy Bridgewater is the new nucleus for the Vikings that they will build the rest of the team around.
And for the next decade, we're going to be hearing a lot of 'Bridgewater to Patterson'. This is going to be fun.
SO MUCH FUN.