Seattle Seahawks Announce New Team Name

The Super Bowl XLVIII champions will be defending their title under a new name in 2014.

In a rather unexpected turn of events, the Seattle Seahawks held a press conference Friday to announce that they would be changing the name of their franchise, which has been the same since their inaugural season in 1976. Head Coach Pete Carroll took to the podium to announce the surprising change.

"Some people say it's bad luck to change your team's image the year after winning the Super Bowl," Carroll said while furiously chomping on his gum in a manner that would make Violet Beauregarde blush. "But here in Seattle we believe you create your own luck. Never lookin' back. Always goin' forward. Gotta move. Can't sit. Can't settle. Go go go go go."

Carroll continued on for over four minutes with a cascade of sports clichés that were spoken in such a rapid-fire manner that they were indecipherable to those in attendance. Finally he shook his head as if coming to from a hypnotic trance.

"Sorry about that. I was hanging out with my buddy John Moschitta Jr. last night." After the mention of his friend's name was met with blank stares by the media members in the audience, Carroll explained, "You know...the Micro Machines guy. Man I love that guy. Now there's a guy that can keep up with ol' Pete."

"Anyway, let's get down to business. The personnel moves we've made and success we've had over the past few years have inspired us to make a change here in Seattle. While it's nice that we won a Super Bowl as the 'Seattle Seahawks', we're not really comfortable with the stigma that the name carries. I mean, before ol' Pete got here, the Seahawks hadn't won anything worth a lick. Before we won in February, there were 37 seasons of coming up short. Even after our Super Bowl win, that means the Seahawks only won the Super Bowl 2.6% of the time. I don't know about you guys, but I don't think winning only 2.6% of the time is acceptable. So we wanted to dump the baggage that came with the Seahawks name and move forward--while still paying homage to what got us here today."

Before continuing, Carroll switched out sticks of gum. His incessant chomping had reduced the first piece of gum to something that resembled sawdust mixed with cottage cheese.

"Now everyone knows that we have a proud tradition in Seattle that started way back in 1979. We took Carl Eller from the Minnesota Vikings for his last season in the NFL. He didn't do a whole lot but we sure did like him. After that we took Warren Moon off Minnesota's hands in 1997. He was 41 at the time but sure as shit he made a Pro Bowl in Seattle. Then a few years later we took John Randle off the Vikings' hands. They thought he was washed up, but I'll be danged if he didn't get over 20 sacks as a Seahawk."

Carroll continued with more examples of how former Vikings players made the migration west to Seattle. "It's not like the Vikings were loaded at wide receiver to begin with, but they still gave us Nate Burleson and Sidney Rice. Then they gave us Tarvaris Jackson. Now laugh all you want, but he had a perfect quarterback rating in a game last year. I'm serious! Look it up! You don't think the Vikings could have used Tarvaris over that Cassel fella and Sam Ponder's husband last year? Or Josh Freeman?!" Carroll exclaimed as he giggled to himself.

The giggle turned into a full cackle as Caroll explained Seattle's next move. "Then last year we took their best cornerback, Antoine Winfield. And get this--we just cut him! We didn't even need him! You saw our secondary last year--we were stacked! What the hell were we going to do with Antoine?! But hey, if the Vikings are gonna keep giving us players, then why the hell not, right?"

"And then of course we got another fella named Percy Harvin. Perhaps you've heard of him? Oh sure he was hurt for most of last season, but all he did was come back and DAMN NEAR WIN SUPER BOWL MVP!! I mean, c'mon Vikes! Are you guys not allowed to keep talented players or something?!"

Carroll was in a groove now.

"So when we poached Kevin Williams from the Vikings yesterday--and you just know he still has a good year or two left in him--we all decided that Seattle needed to acknowledge the franchise that helped turn us into the juggernaut we are today. Therefore, we are officially changing our name to..."

The coach took a long, dramatic pause. He was definitely savoring the moment.

"...the SEATTLE VIKEHAWKS!"

Carroll assured the Seattle fans that the changes were not as extreme as some may fear. "Before you guys get too bent outta shape, we're not gonna look that different next year even with our new name. We'll still have the same ridiculous blue monochrome uniforms with neon green trim that make us look like deformed blueberries covered in alien snot. We're just tweaking the logo a bit. Without further ado, here it is!"

The Seattle coach beamed as he turned over a large card resting on an easel next to his podium, revealing the following logo:

"See? Not that different. Looks sharp though, dunnit?!"

When it was pointed out that the Vikings have also taken their share of former Vikehawks--née Seahawks--players, Carroll quickly rebuffed the notion. "Oh I suppose they did get a couple of our players. John Carlson? How'd that one work out for you guys? A $25 million contract for all of 40 catches? OH NO, WE MISS HIM SO MUCH," Carroll groaned sarcastically.

"And sure they got Steve Hutchinson back in '06. But what's he doing now? Playing a shitload of golf, that's what. Poison pill THIS!" Carroll screamed as he made the "suck it" gesture popularized by 90's professional wrestler X-pac.

"Besides, a Seahawk isn't really a bird anyway, so why not a Vikehawk? It sounds great and speaks more to our proud tradition of poaching Vikings players and watching them flourish here in Seattle."

It remains to be seen whether the bold decision will hurt uniform and merchandise sales in Seattle, but it's hard to argue with the motivation behind the change. A league source says that the NFL Shop will be updated with the new merchandise as soon as the league headquarters stops laughing at the Vikings long enough to approve the change.