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And Now For Something Completely Different

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Apparently, the new Minnesota Vikings stadium will be the largest mass murderer of birds in history.

Oh, the humanity! Or the bird-ity. Or something. Whatever.
Oh, the humanity! Or the bird-ity. Or something. Whatever.
Minnesota Vikings

If you're a fan of the Minnesota Vikings, and a fan of the new Vikings stadium, you're a terrible person. Because you, gentle citizen, are part of a systematic eradication of migratory birds in Minnesota. In short, you're either a bird murderer, or on the side of bird murderers.

You see, birds are, for the most part, pretty stupid.  When they look through a clear window, they can't tell it's a window. And if they want to land on a spot that's between them, a clear window, and the ground, they will haul ass right towards that spot...and directly into the window. And it usually kills them, because birds fly at high speeds with reckless abandon, and they're stupid. Kind of like what happens to me when I see a cooler of beer through a clear patio sliding door window.

The new Minnesota Vikings stadium, if you don't know, will have a clear roof, and birds will be able to look down at the fake grass. Being ridiculously stupid, they'll dive at a high rate of speed towards the grass, and smack into the clear roof. According to the Minnesota Audobon Society, anyway.

Because of those concerns, they released a statement to the press declaring, for the most part, that the new Vikings Stadium is going to be one of the largest bird death traps in history. From the Deadspin article:

We're talking about a billion dollar stadium here, and the cost to save perhaps thousands of migratory birds - and make the Vikings a global leader in green stadium design - is about one-tenth of one percent of that," said Audubon Minnesota Executive Director Matthew Anderson. "Hundreds of millions of dollars of public money is going to build this stadium, and we know the people of Minnesota do not want their money killing birds. The Vikings recently approved spending millions and millions of additional dollars to make sure the stadium is 'iconic' - surely they also want to make sure it's not a death trap. We're asking them to change their minds and do the right thing."

As early as December 2012, the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources had urged the stadium to incorporate bird-safe design into the new building. A few months later, a special committee of the Minneapolis City Council specifically recommended that the stadium adopt Audubon's suggestions to create a bird-safe structure through glazing techniques and special site lighting.

Audubon staff communicated regularly with stadium developers until April 2014, when they were told that another meeting would be scheduled before a July 15 decision on the type of glass to be used. That meeting was canceled, and Audubon staff were told on July 17 that there would be no change in the stadium glass choice to protect birds.

Well, I don't mind if it kills Falcons, Seahawks, Ravens, and Cardinals with impunity...and yes, yes I did see lines like that come across my Twitter feed faster than a bird flies into a glass window. No, I won't apologize for using it, because it's low hanging fruit.

Anyways, tax payers of Minnesota, you are now, by allowing this to happen, taking part in state sanctioned bird genocide. HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF? HOW??

Wait, this is stupid. There's a lot of glass buildings in downtown Minneapolis, and I don't think the nickname for Minneapolis or St Paul "The Killing Fields", or anything.

It isn't, is it?

I would just put some fake owls up on the roof.  It works for keeping birds away from my yard.  Just sayin'.

TL;DR--The Vikings are building a cool ass stadium. The Minnesota Audobon society thinks it will kill a lot of birds. It probably won't.

Pass the chicken, I'm hungry.