We all make mistakes. I'll be the first to admit it. Well, actually, I've heard a LOT of people admit that before and this is probably the first time I've ever admitted it, so I suppose I really won't be the first to admit it after all. But whatevs.
See, last year I tried to continue the proud tradition that has become the centerpiece of the Daily Norseman's reporting: revealing the season results for our beloved Minnesota Vikings in advance. I figured that dogs, being nature's epitome of goodness as well as natural seers (dude they can detect cancer! Hey, why is my dog sniffing my side again? He keeps doing that and whining. STOP IT DAMMIT) would be the perfect prophets, so I rounded up a bunch of them and got to work.
Unfortunately I live in an area with an abundance of squirrels. Look, life catches us all off guard from time to time and nobody thinks of everything in advance. Another first for me to admit that about myself, but I really can't dodge this bullet. Anyways, apparently they all got so distracted that their predictions ended up being a garbled mess of nonsense about Christian Ponder being a decent quarterback, Jared Allen humping Cam Newton's leg, and Antoine Winfield destroying Rick Spielman in Seattle. Lesson learned guys, lesson learned.
Oh, the dogs? They're fine, of course. I couldn't take care of all of them but it's OK; the vast majority ended up becoming writers for First Take, so they're set. The rest ended up becoming instructors at Michael Vick's Doggy Discipline Center, so I'm fairly certain they're good too.
Anyways. I did some research at my local library- which began by google searching whether or not libraries still existed- and discovered an ancient document that suggested the existence of something called the ‘Tome of Knowledge'. Kinda odd that an ancient Egyptian parchment scroll was just sitting there at the Pinellas County Community Children's Library; I mean, it wasn't even hidden. Totally indexed and everything. You'd think researchers and history people would all be interested in it, but then again, historians probably lack the funding required to do a google search revealing that libraries still exist.
After registering for a library card (dude that lady was SUPER excited that I wanted one) so that I could check the parchment out for a period of two weeks (oh CRAP I forgot to return it... whatever, COME AND GET MY 40 CENTS LATE FEE GUBMINT), I set off on a great quest of exploration to find said Tome. It wasn't easy guys- I had to scale the Wall of Doom, fight the Tree of Doom, sneak into an Illuminati Party of Doom, and unearth the Shrine of Doom. (It's like it was all trying to tell me something.) And not to mention, I had to deal with Brad Childress, who was determined to stop me all along. But through it all, I kept my motivation- that the dear and loyal readers of the Daily Norseman were counting on me. Also, that Arif Hasan would increase his daily quota of big cat slaughter if I failed. DUDE WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST BIG CATS HASAN, THEY ARE MAGNIFICENT CREATURES.
The trick is, translating this thing is insane. So I'm going to have to do it piecemeal, and release each result the day before the game. It's just in time for you to place your life savings in a wager at Vegas! Today- THE PATRIOTS.
HOW IT HAPPENS
Tom Brady proves that he's not getting older- he's actually getting younger, thanks to a special elixir developed by Bill Bellichick that consists of stem cells harvested from dead fetuses, the blood of Aaron Hernandez's hundreds of victims, and the tears of the innocent. Zimmer has his hands full on this one, folks. The Patriots do suffer a big loss in the receiving department, however, since during the first half Anthony Barr hit Rob Gronkowski so hard it caused the TE's arms to fall off.
On the sidelines, Teddy Bridgewater has some trouble holding Norv Turner's massive playbook because he forgot his gloves in the locker room. He tried to catch it with his knees but they were too skinny. (OBLIGATORY TEDDY SMALL HANDS SMALL KNEES JOKE +1)
The game is shockingly back and forth despite Brady's deal-with-the-devil resurgence, thanks in large part to a Patriots receiving corps that can't catch a cold, and an angry, angry Vikings defensive line. The Pats do pull ahead midway in the fourth, however, when Brady surprises everyone... and actually does catch his own pass for a touchdown. (Gisele Bündchen just gets up and leaves the stadium at this point.) Zimmer is furious and warns his defensive backs to pick it up before he goes to 7-11 to find some replacements. (The players nervously laugh at first... and then realize this dude is NOT kidding when he shows them he has already scouted the stock boy.) Ahead by four, the Patriots pull back into prevent defense, determined to hold the lead.
After a touchback, the Vikings attempt to increase their odds with a Matt Asiata run, but Vince Wilfork simply throws Charlie Johnson into poor John Sullivan and stops him in the backfield. After two Matt Cassel passes fall flat, the Vikings are faced with a dilemma- no timeouts, two and a half minutes remaining, and the possibility of trying to stop Brady in time to score again. Zimmer puts on his big boy pants and decides all or nothing, the Vikings will go for it on fourth down deep in their own territory, with 14 yards between them and the first down. (@4thDownBot on Twitter subsequently explodes.)
The play begins poorly when Chandler Jones jukes out Matt Kalil by telling him pre-snap that his shoelaces are untied, and charges clear towards Cassel. Just as everything seems lost, Cassel sees Cordarrelle Patterson with a narrow lane for a quick shovel pass, and... FLASH... AHH AHH... SAVIOR OF THE BROKEN PLAY! Patterson catches the ball, looks at the oncoming linemen, and literally lifts off and flies clear over their heads, soaring majestically straight to the end zone. The YouTube upload from his Google Glasses during later breaks several viewing records. The Vikings go crazy on the sideline, as Bill Belichick stares icily at the field while calmly ripping a small animal apart with his bare hands.
The Vikings are worried that the Patriots will have enough time to drive down the field and tie with a field goal, but reminded of Zimmer's 7-11 warning, the Vikings defense holds fast. Little known Vikings DE Everett Griffin makes the game winning sack, and Jim Souhan writes an entire piece on it entitled "SEE, YOU TWATS?". The Vikings do the impossible- they beat the Patriots, and surge ahead to 2-0.
After the game, Christian Ponder is seen sitting on a curb outside TCF Stadium, chugging away at a 12 pack of Natty Ice. After he finishes them, he lines the cans along a fence post and attempts to knock them off with some spare footballs; after actually hitting the 11th one with a shockingly crisp, laser-rocket pass, he raises his arms in victory and desperately looks around- only to despondently realize nobody saw.
FINAL SCORE: Vikings 30, Patriots 27.
P.S.- Don't worry too much about Gronk. He was still able to party that shit up after.