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Your Moment of Zim, Starring Zim Tzu

Press conferences are usually boring. Nothing is ever boring with warrior poet and philosopher Mike Zimmer, aka Zim Tzu

Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

Sun Tzu was a Chinese general who lived a long time ago, thousands of years ago, actually. Sun Tzu's teachings, and his book The Art Of War are required reading for damn near every military officer in the world, as it provides valuable lessons on, well, war, tactics, and philosophy.

And much like that great general, our general, Zim Tzu, is developing his own tactics and philosophy on how to lead a group of men in a pseudo-battle. What are his tactics like? What is his philosophy in certain tactical situations?

In short, what can Zim Tzu teach us about football and life in the 21st century? Everything, that's what.* Because Mike Zimmer is coach, philosopher, and warrior poet.** And he dispenses his philosophy bombs*** every Monday (or Tuesday if the team plays Monday night...or Friday, if they play on Thursday night). And we'll cover it for you, right here at The Daily Norseman.

*I'd really take that statement with a grain of salt. Can't emphasize that enough.

**He's actually is a coach, that I do know for a fact. I have no idea if he's any of those other things.

***It's just his weekly press conference, which we're having a little harmless fun with.

Let's check on on your weekly moment of Zim, starring Zim Tzu. As always, what Zim Tzu actually says will be in block quotes, and what Zim Tzu means*** will be interpreted below.

*** Yeah, no idea what he means. At all. Not a clue. But after these last few days, you need to laugh. I need to laugh. Let's do this.

One more note: I'm purposely avoiding any questions that directly asked about the Adrian Peterson case, but stuff like how it affected the team, I thought we could have a little fun with. I'm a jackass, I get it, but even I won't make light of child abuse allegations. Hope you enjoy and understand. if you don't, feel free to call me names. But could someone at least call me a Libertarian? The neocon fascist and liberal clown labels have already been used.


Zim Tzu Speaks: I'm here to talk about the game yesterday and the situation what it is. New England played a very good football game and we obviously didn't play very well, especially towards the end of the second quarter. The blocked field goal for the touchdown kind of put an extra damper on it. With the four interceptions, we didn't do enough good things to win the football game.

Zim Tzu Means: If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain to be in peril. That said...Adrian who? Ohhhh, yeah him. No, never heard of him. Well, okay I have. But I'd MUCH rather talk about the ass pounding we took at the hands of New England. Seriously, it was terrible, but I'd rather talk about that situation, Matt Cassel's four interceptions, and the blocked field goal returned for a touchdown all with my hand being put through a wood chipper than talk about all the Adrian Peterson stuff going on. Anyone got a wood chipper? Serious question here.

Question for Zim Tzu: How difficult is it for all of this to be thrust upon you after your first game as a head coach?

Zim Tzu Speaks: I've been in the NFL for 21 years. I've seen a lot of things. We just go about our business and keep working as hard as we can and try to get the football team better each day.

Zim Tzu Means: Much like the skyline of Minneapolis has changed over the years, so does the level of absurdity of the things I've seen since I've been in the NFL. I was with Bobby Petrino in Atlanta, and most of the rest of my time was Cincinnati. But that said, HOLY MOTHER OF--WHAT IN THE--DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT, MAN. FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU. Seriously, I bust my ASS to finally get a head coaching gig, and it has to be the friggin' Vikings. Seriously, this team is more dysfunctional than a Kardashian and Miley Cyrus mashup show. If we had any more issues Jerry Springer would call and ask us on his show.

What? He did? When? Ohhhhh. No, we can't on Thursday, that's install day. Friday will work, though.

Question for Zim Tzu: Did you think that this is what you were signing up for when you became a head coach?

Zim Tzu Speaks: You sign up for everything when you become the head coach. You sign up for the good days and the bad days, the days where you get beat whatever the score was yesterday, 30-7, and the 34-6 wins. It's not my most favorite time, but that's the way it is.

Zim Tzu Means: Opportunities multiply as they are seized, and that shitshow of a performance we saw on the football field almost put me into a seizure. As to the other stuff, yeah of course I signed up for it. As a matter of fact, when I was surveying the landscape for head coaching gigs, I made a list of things I wanted in a job. And I put down for my top priorities in taking a job:

1. Have an all time great player that I can focus my offense around.

2. Have said all time great player get swept up in the biggest controversy to hit the NFL in years and risk losing him for most, if not almost all, of the season. OR, bring him back to more controversy than a Miss America contestant playing with some friggin' plastic cups or something.



Question for Zim Tzu: How has your role changed in these situations being a head coach compared to being a coordinator?

Zim Tzu Speaks: It's obviously different just because Marvin (Lewis) handled a lot of those things, when I was in Cincinnati and as it will be here, we're going to work extremely hard to get the guys to understand what kind of people that our fans want them to be like, what kind of team we want to have and what kind of individuals we want to have. We did that when I was in Cincinnati and we will continue to do that here.

Zim Tzu Means: To be a good leader, one must first learn to be a good follower. So naturally, I reached out to Marvin Lewis, Warden of the Cincinnati Penitentiary and Itinerant Squad of Footballers, to seek his wise advice and counsel.

Marvin Lewis hung up on me. Think about that for a second. Marvin Effing Lewis hung up on me. He not only hung up, he laughed first AND THEN hung up. For the love of all things holy, the Bengals put stripes on their uniforms a few years back so they wouldn't have to change clothes when they went back to general population once the game was over, and Marvin Lewis would not return my call.

This is such bullshit, man. So right now, boys, I'm like a blind man in an orgy--I'm just feeling my way through. Maybe I'll grope around and latch on to a nice par of Christina Hendricks--like life preservers, but lately it seems every time I reach my hand out for something, it feels like Ron Jeremy is standing right there AND THAT IS SO GROSS AND THIS IS NOT FUN RIGHT NOW GUYS NOT AT ALL.

Question for Zim Tzu: What are your thoughts on the return of Mike Priefer?

Zim Tzu Speaks: I think it's good. I'm proud that Mike did the things that he had to do. I'm proud that we didn't ruin a guy's career because he made a mistake. I'm glad that we were able to stand by him. I appreciate all his hard work and the things that he has done during these two weeks, we're glad to have him back.

Zim Tzu Means: In the midst of chaos, there is opportunity, and I would like to take this opportunity to talk about something non-controversial for once. Oh, wait. Yeah, never mind. DOES ANYTHING GOOD EVER HAPPEN TO THIS TEAM, I MEAN SERIOUSLY MAN, COME ON!

Question for Zim Tzu:  Was there a recurring theme with what went wrong with special teams yesterday?

Zim Tzu Speaks: I could have done a better job, to be honest with you. I could have done a better job. Put that one on me

Zim Tzu Means: If one can pretend inferiority you will encourage your opponent's arrogance. Yeah, we weren't pretending shit there, cubby. We got smoked on special teams. How's that for your theme? Way to end this on a high note.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go get ready for the New Orleans Sa[F*** THOSE GUYS]ints.