So it would appear that I may or may not have misinterpreted the Tome of Knowledge last week when I gave you the results of the Vikings vs. Patriots... game? Are we calling that a game still? "Massacre akin to Little Big Horn" seems more apropos right now. (But hey, at least we're not the Suckaneers AMIRITE?) Anyways, I want to remind you all of two things: first, that I don't fluently speak ancient Sumerian so some words naturally are going to get mixed up; and second, that it was ERIC, not me, who told you all to wager your life savings in Vegas on the Vikings winning.
Anyways, as it turns out, there is a particular phrase in Sumerian that actually can mean one of two things in English: either that Cordarrelle Patterson will literally fly through the air into the endzone, or that Matt Cassel will throw a metric longship-load worth of interceptions. These translations are prone to flaws, folks, but I'm fairly certain I got it right THIS TIME. So... go and wager your change jar in Vegas on this one baby cuz it's guaranteed*!
*For all guarantees please see the Daily Norseman Director of Getting it Right, Mr. CCNorseman. He will fully refund any and all lost wagers made on the wisdom of this piece.
HOW IT HAPPENS
Mike Zimmer is aware that, with Drew Brees, it will be difficult to get our somewhat ragtag secondary to keep up with the passing game. Instead, he opts to go heavy on rushing the passer with-
-whelp, Brees started crying because Everson Griffin was mean to him, so the refs threw a penalty. Apparently, Brees is unhappy with a team that hits the quarterback, but doesn't have the courtesy to prepare a slideshow in advance. Understandable. Unfortunately, the penalty does lead to a Saints scoring drive. Ugh.
On offense, Matt Cassel is eager to redeem himself after... hmm, it appears the ancient Sumerians did not have any words or phrases for what Cassel did last Sunday. It's just a hieroglyph of a dumpster on fire. Truth be told, I don't think the English language has any words for it either, so that works out. Anyways, he starts off by throwing a nice pass to Greg Jenn-
-dude what the hell? Apparently Jennings breathed on Keenan Lewis, so the refs threw another penalty. Damn, it was a nice completion, too. Cassel has some trouble getting us back up to the first down marker after Matt Kalil sees a butterfly, and forgets that he's playing a football game. For three consecutive downs. Ugh.
On the punt return, the Vikings-
-OK BUT SERIOUSLY? We pinned the Saints on the 5 yard line, but Mike Zimmer scratched his nose so the refs decided to award New Orleans a penalty and moved the ball up to the forty. This is getting a little ridiculous. I mean, it's almost as if we can't trust referees to call a fair game when the Vikings are playing the Saints. That's ok though; Captain Munnerlyn rushes up on a blitz on their first possession, causing a fumble and making the recovery-
-ARE YOU SH*****G IN MY CEREAL NOW?! According to the Tome of Knowledge, this time the referees converse, shrug their shoulders, then collectively flip off the Vikings sideline and hand the ball back to Drew Brees. He then scores, and the referees award the Saints 10 points for the touchdown (before the PAT, which they then decide is worth 4 points after its good). Ugh.
Honestly, the rest of this portion of the Tome of Knowledge is a bunch of hieroglyphs of zebras sodomizing men in horned hats, with some of children crying mixed in. I don't think this game is going to go well, you guys.
It's just a hieroglyph of what looks like Mike Zimmer, but with x's where his eyes should be.
P.S.- FUCK THOSE GUYS!